AIBU to think my mum is in the wrong for this?

[Quirkypenguin]

When it comes to my child I feel my mum is taking over, she frequently does things without asking me and today she has done multiple things that I do not agree with while I have been present.

If I dare to bring this up with her I will get sulking or an argument in return- she gave her bonjela without asking me after I’d said earlier in the day I didn’t think they needed it, I had to ask her if she had given her it as I saw it on the side. While my child was eating tea she started saying the broccoli was too big (it had been steamed to practically mush) and that my child would choke, I was watching them closely while eating and they have teeth- my mum proceeded to put her fingers in my child’s mouth and get out the broccoli. She then sarcastically said ‘that’s how you do that’.

I have stated on multiple occasions there is no need to sterilise my child’s things anymore as they are old enough now to not need it- she sterilises it anyway, I was told that it helps build up there immune system to not sterilise? Or is that not true?

Anything I say I feel is ignored or I’m wrong. I am a first time mum but I feel any opinion I voice is just stamped out, I’ve never posted on here before but I feel so frustrated with the situation now and just need some advice on what I can do?

We had an argument a couple of days ago my mum then said I’m hormonal (I get really bad PMS symptoms) and that’s why I am having a go at her which completely undermines anything I say then as she makes jokes about my ‘moods’

Why are you spending so much time together? This is the kind of situation that you manage by avoiding opportunities.

Yes it is getting to the point now that I need to spend less time around her I think but I do not want to offend her

Nailed it.

Unless you live together there's no reason these situations should keep coming up.

Keep busy. Or pretend to be busy. Be unavailable and pull back.

OP she doesn't care if she offends you. So just remind yourself of that whenever necessary.

And yes be busy, pull back from her a bit. You're a new mum, you have your own way of doing things. I'm a grandma now and things are so different from when my kids were babies, I'd never disrespect a new mum for doing things differently.

But she's always offending you by criticising your parenting.

Do you invite her or does she just turn up?

Well you're offended, currently. One of you is going to be either way!

The difference is, you're offended because she's being rude, controlling and generally out of order.

She'll be offended because you aren't letting her take over and be unpleasant to you.

Thank you for this perspective, another comment I get a lot from my mum is that she used to work in a nursery (30+ years ago) and that me and my sibling are both fine! But guidelines have very much changed since then and I find the constantly undermining very draining

You are right, my mums behaviour is causing issues within my relationship now as well as my partner has always said my mum is controlling of me and my life, but since having my child it’s ramped up to the point it’s unbearable. My mum then says my partner is controlling and trying to cause a wedge between us.

Try one proper conversation about this and if she won't listen you'll have to find ways to limit the opportunities for arguments. You can do things like meet for a walk rather than eat together.

A bit of both as she has keys to my house, also comes round to my house and starts cleaning (without me asking for help also my house is not messy or dirty to begin with) and moves things around.

I will try a proper conversation again when my child is not present however last time I got shouted at or she will cry.

I mean this gently but… so? If she shouts, show her the door. If she cries, show her the door. Don’t let yourself be manipulated by her big emotions either way, she isn’t the young child in this set up.

I’ve always been told to not disrespect my parents so I find it hard to go against her, but now as an adult I’m finding that she isn’t really respecting me or my feelings

It's time for you to take up some space. You can't stay stuck between your DH and your Mother, you're a grown adult and a mother yourself. It is very reasonable and necessary for you to be able to state preferences, and have needs without it causing an emotional outburst from the other person.

Do you feel there could be any truth in what she says about your DH controlling you?

If not, I would tell her that you've had to change the locks on the house for security reasons, and change the locks so she no longer has a key.

Join some local groups and become very busy, get into a weekly routine that involves one visit with her for a couple of hours and leave when you're ready, or a walk around a park so she's not in your space.

This isn't going to go away on it's own, you are going to need to work out your boudaries and get comfortable with implementing them and sticking to them, regardless of whether she likes it or not. Boundaries are necessary for good healthy balanced relationships, not detrimental to them.

Change the locks! She is breaking into you home uninvited and meddling with things. You need to put yourself and your relationship first, this is the kind of situation that could cause you to break up. She is controlling and totally out of order, you need to put yourself foot down and prioritize your family.

I personally have never found my partner to be controlling, he doesn’t stop me doing anything or make comments about anyone else around us but my mum. He simply thinks she’s far too much and tries to control our lives, he also says that I tell her way too much and that she has too much input.

I do struggle to set boundaries with my mum as I always end up feeling guilty, me and my partner went somewhere without her once and she made a massive deal about it and said my partner isolated her on purpose.

Yes the reason she has a key is for emergencies but she shows up at my house before I’m home from work and I’d come into her cleaning the kitchen down and then she would complain my partner isn’t doing enough, she actually took pictures of our bedroom once and showed it to me and said how disgusting ‘he had left it’ and how clean it was now she had done it all for us.

So many issues.

Stop spending time with her at all. So sorry you're dealing with this.

I also have to say that putting your finger in her mouth to get out the food is the ABSOLUTE WORST thing you can do. If they are actually choking, she'll only push the food further back and get it more stuck, and if she's not there a good chance that the finger will lodge it!!!

Get yourself on a baby first aid course for your own peace of mind, you can find them quite cheaply, I think - maybe someone knows if the NHS do any? (I had my babies outside the UK).

Big hugs. Take control, your the Mum and your instinct seems apt on!

Oh my God, you need to change the locks, she is massively overstepping. I can't believe shes coming into your house without permission and taking pictures of your bedroom. Thats fucking unhinged! Also you need to be able to spend time away from her, just your little family, she can't be involved in absolutley everything. How about DHs Mum is she half this involved.

Honestly she might be jeopardising your relationship with your DH emotionally blackmailing you not to spend time as a couple!

@Quirkypenguin why does your DM think it’s okay to keep sticking her fingers in your DCs mouth? Bonjela and broccoli!

But then she sterilises everything else. 😂

How old is your DC? This will determine whether or not there’s any need to sterilise.

Your DM sounds infuriating tbh. See her a little less so that you can parent your way. You shouldn’t have to keep explaining your reasons for doing something or not doing something. Parenting is tiring enough without this on top!

me and my partner went somewhere without her once and she made a massive deal about it

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you are going to have to be prepared for her to make a massive deal out of things for a while until the dust settles.

Taking photographs of your bedroom is completely nuts behaviour.

Change the locks, and brace for the fallout. You're going to have to find your voice, this isn't going to go away.

Your husband is correct though, isn't he? She does try and control your lives. If she made a massive fuss because you and your partner went somewhere without her, does she expect to be able to be included in everything that you do? If so, she is being totally unreasonable.

Does she have other children and grandchildren? Is your dad around?

Yes that particular incident was before we had our child, the bedroom was left a bit of a mess until I returned home from work as we both got up at like 5am so we weren’t doing house work at that time! When I returned early afternoon I’d do it all then but my mum beat me to it that day and proceeded to make me feel terrible for it!

My partners mum is the complete opposite of mine, she doesn’t really get involved at all and doesn’t comment on our parenting, we’ve had different upbringings so I was putting my partners opinion down to that but now seeing why he made these comments.

There is no other grandchildren yet, I have one other sibling but they maybe only see my mum once or twice a month if that.

My dad is around but they are separated and have nothing to do with each other, I see my dad once a week or every other week with my child, he is very laid back and never comments on my parenting.

I think I have to be honest with myself and accept maybe I’ve been avoiding admitting just how bad her behaviour is- I never had the picture incident out with her and my partner said he was sick of been told what to do in his own home and felt uncomfortable when my mum was present. I fear that you are right it is going to be a battle to set these boundaries