AIBU to think my mum is in the wrong for this?

[Quirkypenguin]

When it comes to my child I feel my mum is taking over, she frequently does things without asking me and today she has done multiple things that I do not agree with while I have been present.

If I dare to bring this up with her I will get sulking or an argument in return- she gave her bonjela without asking me after I’d said earlier in the day I didn’t think they needed it, I had to ask her if she had given her it as I saw it on the side. While my child was eating tea she started saying the broccoli was too big (it had been steamed to practically mush) and that my child would choke, I was watching them closely while eating and they have teeth- my mum proceeded to put her fingers in my child’s mouth and get out the broccoli. She then sarcastically said ‘that’s how you do that’.

I have stated on multiple occasions there is no need to sterilise my child’s things anymore as they are old enough now to not need it- she sterilises it anyway, I was told that it helps build up there immune system to not sterilise? Or is that not true?

Anything I say I feel is ignored or I’m wrong. I am a first time mum but I feel any opinion I voice is just stamped out, I’ve never posted on here before but I feel so frustrated with the situation now and just need some advice on what I can do?

We had an argument a couple of days ago my mum then said I’m hormonal (I get really bad PMS symptoms) and that’s why I am having a go at her which completely undermines anything I say then as she makes jokes about my ‘moods’

Your mum will ruin your relationship. You're not a child anymore, you need to stand firm and don't let her railroad you.

She shouldn't be coming to let herself in your house, unless it's an emergency and if she can't do that, then he the keys off her.

Just ask her for the keys next time she's over.

She's doesn't respect what you say or respect you as a mother. You don't need to fall out over it z but you need to be firm with her.

Reduce the amount of time you see her and get the keys off her.

You need to get this sorted before your child gets older because before you know it your DD will be turning to your Mum to see what she can and can't do, as if she has the ultimate authority. Your Mum is treating you like the child you were and doesn't see you as an adult. It's totally undermining your choices and position as a Mum.
I had a similar situation with my MIL. She would do things like cutting my children's hair without my consent and when they had also said no. Both of us were annoyed about it but the first time, we just asked her to stop. Of course she didn't, because she used to cut her kids hair and thought she was "helping". However she continued doing it and she didn't listen to my daughter, who said she didn't want it doing. That was the last straw and we had to be very direct and tell her to stop and apologise to our daughter for going against her wishes. She didn't take it well at all but it was worth the short term pain because she realised that she couldn't just do what she wanted. Especially when my husband's sister had to lay down the law too, as MIL was feeding our niece with a diagnosed dairy allergy cheese. She didn't agree with the hospital doctor and thought she would continue to give it to her!! It ended up with our niece having a severe reaction and needs to carry an epi pen now. So having been a nursery nurse or in our MIL case, having 6 kids doesn't make them experts or right.
Good luck with the talk but be vigilant for her overstepping your boundaries and challenge her every time she's does

Please take the good advice and stick up for yourself. Your mum mustn't usurp your position as mum.

Agree with BeNavyCrab

"You need to get this sorted before your child gets older because before you know it your DD will be turning to your Mum to see what she can and can't do, as if she has the ultimate authority. Your Mum is treating you like the child you were and doesn't see you as an adult. It's totally undermining your choices and position as a Mum."

Please stop feeling guilty.

"Yes it is getting to the point now that I need to spend less time around her I think but I do not want to offend her"

She isn't worried about offending you!

Agree with GoldDuster too...

"You don't have to 'have it out' with her, you're not looking for her agreement.
I wouldn't bother bringing up examples from the past, because she will just argue the toss about why she feels it was a reasonable thing to do and you're in the wrong.

Less said the better, you state how you feel and what you need and what you will be doing."

Good luck OP.

Then these are the people you can chat to about sterilising and things like that. For a start, things have changed since your mother had a baby. But talking with other parents is bonding as well as helpful and it will help you form relationships. Better and healthier ones.

Your husband is quite clearly sick of your mother interfering in his home life. He’s told you in a straightforward way. Your sibling seeing your mum a couple of times a month has a more normal relationship with their mother than you do. That’s a normal amount of interactions.

I agree with the posters saying you don’t need a confrontation with your mother. Get the keys back. See her less. Do things with other people more. Prioritise yourself, your baby and your husband. That’s your family.

This is very difficult as she obviously feels comfortable enough to take over or to get too involved. I would start by distancing yourself slightly, not spending so much time together. She is obviously feeling like she is entitled to have an opinion when grandparents do not.
either consciously distance yourself, or tell her outright to mind her own business when it comes to your daughter.

You need to put some boundaries in place . Tell her you are the parent and you will decide what your child needs and ask for your key back. Ideally do this at her house without child so you can leave when you want. If she’s angry/upset point out she makes you feel this way regularly.
Then leave it a few weeks to let things calm down. Then see her on your terms, decide how much time you want to spend together. And instantly shut things down, if she does something after you said no you leave.

Tell her you want your keys back, or change the locks. I would tell her she’s getting to much and overstepping your boundaries, you’ll ring & arrange to see her from now on but she’s not to just walk through your door anymore. Stick your keys into the lock and lock the door so she can’t in the meantimeZ

She is still thinking of you as a child and hasn't adjusted to the fact you are a grown woman, so is still trying to actively parent you and your baby!
I think my own mum and in-laws could be a bit like this - it is hard to make the adjustment from parenting teens to parenting adults and allowing them to do things differently.
I agree with previous posters that you are going to have to 'force' this change - it won't fix on its own.
I do think you need to get the keys back - even if you just change the locks you will have to have a conversation around why she isn't getting another set of keys. Tidying your bedroom and the whole photo thing was utterly bonkers and really you should have a conversation about that. Your husband has been very patient because most people would be extremely angry if their in-laws came into their most private space in the house and took photos to criticise them with!
Look at this from his point of view - do you think he's going to tolerate her interference with his child forever? He's said to you that your mum is too involved with you but because it's your mum and not his place to correct it, he's not forced the issue. But as your child gets older this is a potential flashpoint that needs to be dealt with. Most parents wouldn't sit back and let their in-laws take over with their baby. I do think you owe it to your husband to stand up for him and make it clear that the bedroom incident was totally unacceptable.

If it helps you to find the will to deal with the inevitable fallout that comes from establishing your independence, view it as an act for your child. You need to be able to advocate for them in the future and so you have to find your voice.
Best to do this while your baby is young.

Who cares for your DC while you both work?

Is your mum providing child care? This might be allowing her to think she has more say than a grandparent not providing childcare.

Your partner sounds like an absolute diamond putting up with that shit! My husband would deffo see his arse and be setting boundaries.
Your priorities should lie with him and your child now, not your overbearing mother- what a ‘mare she is!!

My sister has this with my mum. Different scenarios but same overbearing, over opinionated, overstepping boundaries. Her children are 10+! Mum doesn't do it with me as I wouldn't take it from day one. My sister is constantly exasperated with her and it doesn't help that mum lives 30seconds away from her and has nothing else going on in her life, it's her daily routine to go round just to criticise.

I suggest you get confident in your choices. If your mum feels like you need her, whether you do or not, she'll find a way to shoehorn her way in. Get comfortable with being stubborn. Get comfortable with being firm and a little harsh in saying 'no' to her. I'd be so offended and disrespected if my mum thought I still needed her guidance when she approached it that way.

'that broccoli is too big! She'll choke!'
'its fine, she has teeth and will manage it.'
Mum sticks fingers in babies mouth.
''what the hell are you doing, leave her alone to eat!'
'i know what I'm doing, I'm stopping her from choking'.
'you need to leave. I'm not having you bothering her while she eats.'
'you're being erratic! Your hormones are making you act crazy!'
'go on, go home. I'm not having this.'
'your partner is making you be like this!'
'no, you don't know what you're talking about. You need to leave now.'

Be firm. Very firm and consistent. It feels weird and horrible at the time but she'll soon learn. If she doesn't, that's her problem caused by her own issue. You parent how you see fit. Being a new mum doesn't mean you're helpless and clueless. Being her child doesn't mean you need parented all your adult life. I've kicked both my (separated) parents out a few times over the years. Home is your safe place to relax. You are the one to create boundaries inside your home and around your baby. Sidenote: my other sister used to say the same about my partner. It's basically them not being happy when you start standing up for yourself so think he's influencing you. Utter bollocks. Protect your family unit. (So long as he is a good guy and isn't controlling you, as you've said.)

Yes you’re right it does feel very uncomfortable and harsh to put boundaries in place because everytime I try I get walked all over or gaslit. She said my partner is feeding me ‘poison’ about her the last time I tried to confront an issue and it’s like I can’t think for myself or anything negative must of come from him which is not the case at all, as you have said. She makes me feel like I’m really stupid and incapable

Your own mother is ABUSING YOU!!! If this was anyone else you’d have done something about it so you need to protect yourself and your child from her!!

You have to practice a load of useful phrases, so when she starts you have your words ready.
Also take back a bit of control. Don’t have the baby sat close enough to her for her to stick her fingers in!

It will take a while, but you’ll gradually get better at sticking up for yourself.
‘No thanks she’s fine’
’I don’t want to’
’We’re doing it this way’.

Big guns- ‘Don’t be silly!’.

And ‘ok, we’re going out (home/to bed) now, see you next week’.

She sounds infuriating. But this is typical mother daughter dynamics at their worst.

I would drastically reduce the amount of time spent together and research staying within your window of tolerance. Prepare ahead of time for ways that you can firmly and assertively push back rather then seething in silence. You can also be radically honest and tell her that you've been finding her intrusive and as much as you appreciate her presence in your life, you feel the need for space to find your own way. You'll be working on your boundaries and making those clear to her from now on. She may not appreciate them so you understand if she wants to take some time too. If she wants someone to blame, you could say you're acting on a therapeutic recommendation which is confidential.

But she's probably always going to be infuriating.

Take back your keys, then. Because that's a step too far.