AIBU to think my mum is in the wrong for this?

[Quirkypenguin]

When it comes to my child I feel my mum is taking over, she frequently does things without asking me and today she has done multiple things that I do not agree with while I have been present.

If I dare to bring this up with her I will get sulking or an argument in return- she gave her bonjela without asking me after I’d said earlier in the day I didn’t think they needed it, I had to ask her if she had given her it as I saw it on the side. While my child was eating tea she started saying the broccoli was too big (it had been steamed to practically mush) and that my child would choke, I was watching them closely while eating and they have teeth- my mum proceeded to put her fingers in my child’s mouth and get out the broccoli. She then sarcastically said ‘that’s how you do that’.

I have stated on multiple occasions there is no need to sterilise my child’s things anymore as they are old enough now to not need it- she sterilises it anyway, I was told that it helps build up there immune system to not sterilise? Or is that not true?

Anything I say I feel is ignored or I’m wrong. I am a first time mum but I feel any opinion I voice is just stamped out, I’ve never posted on here before but I feel so frustrated with the situation now and just need some advice on what I can do?

We had an argument a couple of days ago my mum then said I’m hormonal (I get really bad PMS symptoms) and that’s why I am having a go at her which completely undermines anything I say then as she makes jokes about my ‘moods’

Would you be raging if your MIL let herself into your home, cleaned up, poked about and criticised the state of it.

Because that is effectively the position you have put your partner in. Your DM should not have a key to your home because she cannot be trusted with boundaries.

First step is to ask for the key back, or change the lock. And tell her very clearly 'I'm limiting the time I spend with you, because frankly you constantly make me feel like shit with your criticisms and you are not good for my MH. I'm going to prioritise myself for a bit'

They are 14 months old, I thought after 12 months it was okay to sort of phase out sterilising but I could be wrong!

You're not wrong.
Babies of that age stick rubbish off the floor in their mouths!

You don't have to 'have it out' with her, you're not looking for her agreement.

I wouldn't bother bringing up examples from the past, because she will just argue the toss about why she feels it was a reasonable thing to do and you're in the wrong.

Less said the better, you state how you feel and what you need and what you will be doing. Focus on that, starting with the locks.

Do you have a good relationship with your dad, to the point that you could ask him for advice on how to handle it as he knows her? This is difficult but you are not on your own and there's heaps of resource online about controlling parents and how to detatch them to arms length. You can do it.

Change the locks. Tell her you lost your keys and there’s no need for her to have a replacement set. Repeat as needed.

You need to stop being so available to her, put her on a strict information diet.

She will react, either with anger or with pathetic drama, or even The Mystery Illness. Prepare yourself but do not budge!

I have to say that I'm not entirely surprised to hear that your mother and father aren't on speaking terms.

Yes, I was definitely just putting everything in the dishwasher by then. But mine are teenagers now and guidelines change, just google it or chatGPT it to find out for sure.

Her behaviour is terrible! I am a Grandmother and have keys to my DS and DIL house as I sometimes take our DGS home but I would 100% never enter their house without a specific reason. Your Mum's behaviour is not normal here. My DS and DIL have total respect for me but that doesn't give me the right to take over their lives like your Mum is doing.

Sounds like she is trying to live her life through you but she is not your responsibility. You're going to have to be very brave and talk to her about how this overstepping is making you feel. It will be difficult for you but for your sanity and your relationship with your DP you must do something. I would get the key back from her - don't give her any notice she may get another key cut - wouldn't surprise me! Honestly OP this is not right. I hope all these posts will give you some confidence to get control back of your life from her.

You need to build a life of your own. You are someone’s mother.

Your mammy doesn’t need a key to your house for emergencies for a start. You and your husband should be doing 90% of activities without your mammy. Have you got friends with children the same age as yours?,

Change the locks, you can get a little key safe on the wall and if there is ever and emergency text her the code.

You aren’t being unreasonable. If she cries or shouts ask her to leave

I have spoke with my dad on a few occasions about my mum since they separated but I can see he is trying to not say too much but agrees she’s always been overbearing with me.

Check out the sub Reddit raised by borderlines. I guarantee it will be like a light has been switched on in your head.

The main reason for sterilising baby bottles is due to potential residue which contains certain bacteria in the formula powder itself being left in the bottles after washing. It's the same reason you're meant to use water above a certain temperature for preparing most formulas. Most people think you boil the water to kill bacteria in the water itself but it isn’t really about that (although also relevant to an extent). That's why boiling water then using it later in the day is kind of pointless because then it isn't hot enough to kill bacteria in the powder.

Anyway, the point is does your child still have powder formula? I sterilised bottles until all of mine stopped formula. But I didn't sterilise anything else!

Also, your Mum is massively overstepping and belittling you. Experience or not. You are the child's parent and your Mum has to accept that she isn't and you also are not a child anymore either.

She has no problem with offending you though...

I do have a few friends that have children similar age, I also try and take my child to playgroups etc when I can.

I agree we should be doing things alone

She complained you went somewhere without her

She lets herself in to tidy your bedroom (and then criticise you for it, with photographic evidence).

She constantly puts down your parenting

OP read that back, it's so far from normal behaviour for a parent of adult children.
In your shoes I'd actually be hoping she did throw her toys out the pram when I laid some boundaries, I might get some peace while she sulked!

It isn't unusal for parents to have keys, both mine do. But the difference is my mum has used them once in 4 years when she did me a favour and waited for a washing machine to be delivered the week I moved in.
My dad uses them on (pre arranged) days he visits, as his bus gets him here an hour before I get home from work.
Neither of them would dream of just turning up and letting themselves in uninvited!

No they are no longer on formula just normal milk now, I just give them a good wash in hot water and washing up liquid

Offend away OP. She has no issue offending you. It’s your child. You must stand up to her.

Ach you're fine then!

Pack the steriliser away out of sight.

I genuinely didn’t know this. Thank you!

Were nursery guidelines 30 years ago to stick your fingers in a child's mouth while they were eating? (Not choking)

She sterilised your child's things but still stuck her fingers in your child's mouth. Your mother isn't following out of date nursery guidelines, she is only undermining you.

Your partner is right, she is overbearing and controlling. Sulking in her 50s (at least 50s) is emotional manipulation. Please do offend her and spare your child from this behaviour in the future.

Wow this is batshit, she has no respect for you as an adult in a relationship with another adult.

I would be livid if my mother or mil did this.

If you really want things to change you have to decide what is and isn't acceptable.
Then tell her.

Mum please don't go in our bedroom, it's our private space and we don't need you cleaning it.

Mum it's our house and we both like it how it is.

I need time to sort stuff out when I get home from work, let's meet up on Tuesday after dinner if you want to come for a chat before baby goes to bed.

And so on.

She's not going to like but she's being completely unreasonable, you're not doing anything wrong and you have to put you and your family (your baby and dp) first.

Wow, I haven't read the full thread yet, but she is massively overstepping. If I were your partner, I would be furious at her coming into my bedroom and taking photos and cleaning it. What an invasion of his privacy.