AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

That sounds really positive. I’m interested in why you’d need to lie to school though, surely you’d tell them they need a day off and the school would understand that as part of a wider plan to help them manage the stress associated with school. Telling the school a fib about why they’re off won’t get the help and support your child needs. I’d just be honest with them.

Agree and DC was feeling this way like they were alone and noone was on their side.

This.
they’ll end up doing the same in their jobs.

You build their sense of safety before challenges/discomfort/'firm encouragement'. Not the other way around.

It also reinforcing the ‘I can’t cope’ mentality. When actually, they need to learn to cope and build resilience

I believe this too.

I think the reverse order engenders ostensible copers, who manifest their discomfort in other ways.

I actually agree with this also, though I think some people are talking it through as starting with discomfort and then not being able to cope with anything that might be a bit difficult. However there are also so many variables - a PP mentioned their child doing really well at a local tech and maybe for a lot of children colleges are a better fit for their needs, for example. School is utter shit for a lot of children, it's square pegs and round holes, and resilience doesn't cover it anyway.

Absolutely.

The more they miss, the more they get behind, the weaker the connection with their friends/peers, the greater the stress.

The answer is either greater support in school or a different educational approach.

I am on the fence. As a teacher I see how this will not help them when it comes to their exams, it is impossible to catch up on missed work. Every day is 5-6 lessons where he/she is missing teacher explanation and then when they may attempt to catch up they have homework to contend with too. I have lots of students who have gaps in their knowledge that will never be filled.

However, the current school system is not fit for modern society. The world has changed since the Victorian period and it is about time our school system was replanned for the 21st Century. Forcing 1,000 people into an outdated building for 7 hours a day, learning a curriculum that does not resonate with them at all, being told to remember hundreds and hundreds of pieces of knowledge that they’re tested on at the end, pointless homework for the sake of OFsted box ticking. I can see why students like your child become disenchanted and overwhelmed. I am the same as a teacher.

The thing is, many schools don't understand. I never lied about why DS couldn't make it in but that didn't stop the prosecution letters and threats of fines. This still happened when they were supporting him. The issue is, huge secondary schools will never be the right environment for many children.

Why does everyone need to feel safe all the time? It is good for both adults and children to feel mildly unsafe some of the time because that is how we work out what is risky and what is not, what we can do and not, and how we overcome anxiety.

It is neither necessary nor possible for everyone to feel "safe" all the time.

But what about the children who do thrive in that environment of which there are many?

I loved doing exams at school. I honestly miss the challenge. I absolutely hated coursework. I’d hate to love to a system without the academic vigour and pressure.

you can’t have a system that suits every child. It is impossible.

Actually I would argue that lots of the academically able students are surviving rather than thriving. When did you attend school? The world has changed drastically in the last 10-12 years.

I’m shocked and saddened at some of these replies. Where has the compassion and care gone? Not all children thrive in the current model of education and that doesn’t mean they will go on to be lazy, incompetent adults at all. Teaching our children to recognise their needs as well as their responsibilities is not a bad thing in my opinion. A gentle approach with my son worked, he usually goes to school but not always, is predicated all 7-9 in his exams and I think he is a kind and caring individual, both towards himself and others in society. There’s no one size fits all but OP you are definitely not a terrible mum for struggling with this!

not the experience of my children at all. Have enjoyed school the whole way school. Never struggled. Thrived with the competitive nature of exams. So have much of their friends. I only agree do primary in as far as it wasn’t challenging enough so could have moved onto harder things in year 6

Don't lie to the school. They can't support if you don't tell the truth.

That is fine and therefore you think the system works. I have taught thousands of students across my career and I don’t think the system is fit for modern society. We can agree to disagree.

Tone Deaf award.🏆

How? That’s the point I was making. That for many people the system works. They don’t ever get a mention. They just turn up, go to school and thrive but somehow they aren’t important to be considered by anyone. People want reform to disadvantage them. I’m not saying reform isn’t worth it but to suggest that every child hates school and isn’t thriving isn’t true.

I think the point, however, is a wider one about whether the system is really doing any of them any favours. Yes, some are good at moving through it, but is it really doing them any favours. My dc are also high achievers in the system, but I don't for a minute think it operates in a way that is as valuable for them as it could be. So I do think the high achievers are being considered or "getting a mention."

I honestly agree with you. My DC are all grammar educated and then have been to, are at or will go to RG unis. They struggled with a few things but preserved to get through them.

You absolutely could have a system that suits more however.

Gove went too far . Because of how schools are measured / funded fewer schools are offering BTEC options for the less academic. Offering these options never prevented the more academic doing a full set of GCSEs.

When DD1 did GCSEs there was an option of BTEC science, and Food Tech was a BTEC and there were a couple more offered.
When DD2 was due to do GCSE 6 years later the BTECs had all gone, turned into GCSEs, with even more exams and even more content.

What high paying careers would these btecs lead to?