AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

Sorry to say, but children need to build resilience and learn to cope under pressure.
Life is hard. We cannot as functioning adults hop in and out of commitments in the home, Life and work.
Doing things that make you nervous, uneasy, uncomfortable and that you judt dont want to do build resilience, and completing exams and coursework help you work out how to cope under pressure.

There is a whole other argument about how the school system needs an overhaul and I agree to some extent but at present, to succeed in life you generally need to come out of school with decent grades, have resilience and common sense to get you through life's uphill battles and know how best you cope when under pressure / stress.

Avoiding things does not solve the problem. It compounds it.

There is a really good book on anxiety/resilience and courage called "face the fear and do it anyway"

This can be applied to any situation, we all feel tired at times, cba, dont want to fo things, we need to though.
Giving your child odd days off is damaging to their education, and what example does it set for work ethic?

It's worth asking, better to present them with a solution.

Since you WFH, it might be possible to look into online schooling for her.

I dont agree with this. He could have chronic stress caused by years of school with a learning difference. Doesn't matter if its mild, its still a masking effort every day, for many years. Add the stress of GCSEs and it can get overwhelming. It doesnt have anything to do with resilience if this is the biology thats going on in his body. If this is whays happening give him a day off here and there as a pressure release. Its not a bad thing to teach kids to respect their body and mental health even if it means pushing back against the done thing now and then.

I do agree with this.

I come from a family of high achievers, but as I have got older and wiser, I have had pause at times to re-evaluate what really matters.

I think there is an awful lot of emphasis on concepts like resilience and drive, which I don't disagree with as desirable values, but I don't always agree with the standard package dished out by society as to how those things are achieved.

Is it really such an inspiring end goal to become conditioned to grind along to a 9 to 5 job, set your alarm, brush your teeth, trundle to a job that does little for you because you can't think of a better one, lunch, home for "tea", watch a bit of something, bed to a regime... I mean it's safe.

Some of the people I have known with the most fulfilling lives have had the courage to recognise what works for them. Of course that has to be tied to a realistic plan to get there, but maybe training your dc to be a path dependent 9 to 5er is not playing to their strengths - especially if it is making them that depressed - and you need to really look hard at how you can point them towards what works.

Ultimately, schooling is a legal requirement at your dc's age but there are options. Many more people are opting for various home-schooling options. I don't believe that flogging someone along a path they are not suited to is a desirable result or "win." But I think an overhaul of the arrangements is better than plodding on with school that just isn't being properly attended. That isn't an alternative plan, it's a botched attempt.

Like many others - and I think increasing numbers of others - I don't necessarily think "the system" is all it is cracked up to be for preparing dc for life. It's more a case of inuring them to uninspired, tooth-gritting endurance, which, let's face it, isn't really living.

The more school you miss, the harder it becomes. It’s a vicious circle.

Thank you. Will do

I sympathise, but it's important that you both realise the impact poor attendance may have on future options. I was a form tutor for over 30 years and encountered a few times students being refused places at college due to poor attendance. One has dipped just below 90% and wanted to do a plumbing course, but the college would not consider him.

I think so too op.

They can't avoid for ever but sometimes we need to find the right path, and having support to do so is far more likely to result in a healthy outcome for your dc than cowering to the pressure to look resilient from the outside.

Build real resilience, which doesn't always involve looking like everyone else. But you do need a plan of some sort, not just a dipping in and out and hiding from the issues.

Good luck - and well done for listening.

I do believe they have a chronic stress dealing with the pressure of learning every day for 11 years. It takes a lot of mental effort for them; sitting in a classroom trying to assimilate all that information. It takes them at least double the effort than other students.

I need to agree something that works for them, school, and us as a parents.

i also have a dc yr10 with mild learning difficulties (seriously slow processing amongst other things) so you & your dc have my sympathy - it’s really miserable at school when you can barely keep up with the lessons as they happen, let alone recall with any clarity what you’re meant to have learnt. My dc is utterly exhausted by the basic school day and has also had some mental health issues as a result. Do ask if you can reduce the number of GCSEs they’re doing - maths, English language, double science and an extra option (or ideally 2) should more than suffice to get them onto college BTEC or T-level courses. Dc has chosen coursework heavy options where they can spend time at the weekend on it (and have some parental guidance when needed). The reduced timetable also gives them time to go over what they’ve done in the subjects they’re still taking - if they are not allowed to spend these in the library or a supervised alternative study space then at the back of another class with noise cancelling headphones and some basic worksheets/revision sheets to work on would be fine.

Really? Are any of us the same person as we were at 16? As adults we have fully formed psychological processes for coping with adversity, we have many more practical resources, and much more choice an autonomy. We can choose our working environment and the people we associate with.

My DS is in first year of high school, he’s doing really well but with the best will in the world the school is chaotic. We expect kids to move around every 45 minutes in crowded corridors, with different teachers with different expectations in them, they change focus every 45 minutes, barely have time to eat and the behaviour of some kids is off the scale. And that’s before ridiculous rules, pressure to attend and pressure to succeed.

It’s reasonable to think that environment would cause significant stress for some young people, who have no choice but to be there. Most of us won’t work in such a challenging environment and can pace what we do, who we associate with. It’s ridiculous to say a child that can’t cope with school won’t be able to cope as an autonomous adult.

Reduced timetable considerations.

What (option) subject(s) is causing most stress / workload / most likely to fail.

Where on the timetable do the lessons fall? Are there some days when the lessons are at end of day or start of day / adjacent to non examined subjects such as PE? If so that would enable late starts / early finishes rather than trapped time if logistics would work and you want that.

If trapped time then approach school with a plan - where would DC go and what would they do? Would it be 'decompressing in library' or 'working on homework in inclusion unit' ? They would need to be supervised.

What has the school said about the absences?
Do you know why your child doesn't want to go to school specifically?
GCSE time seems a crucial time to attend and if your child isnt able to they will need support if they are to fulfill their potential and have choices moving forward.

Year 10 is a walk in the park compared to year 11 so I would worry that not teaching them resilience now, is really setting them up for a traumatic year next year.

We’ve had wobbles at times with our teens but what we’ve always said is that you have to at least try to go in. To call or text me if they need to come home and I’ll be at the school straight away to help them.

9 times out of 10, once they were there, they were fine. We made sure the school was aware of issues and they had a teacher they could “escape” to if overwhelmed.

It’s hard, but I think it’s important to teach kids that sometimes you don’t want to do stuff but you have to just get on with it. That’s life.

That’s interesting given a previous poster has said she didnt allow her DC to take Mondays and Tuesdays off as that’s when after a weekend anyone is at their lowest (there is even a No1 song about it) - and would also chime with my earlier post of pushing through mornings when our biology is creating some resistance. IMHO the time for contemplation is after a therapy session not before it.

How is she at the end of the day rather than the beginning. Does she have friends, does she participate in any non academic stuff at school sport / drama etc? Or is she accessing these important social and emotional development opportunities in settings outside of school. My family have lots of ND and academics were not brilliant but the now successful adults tapped in to the school system and community to learn important social skills that have allows them to flourish in careers and lead very enriching lives. Quality social connections and accomplishment in any hobby/interest is critical to build an inner confident drive.

@Calliopespa

I think there is an awful lot of emphasis on concepts like resilience and drive, which I don't disagree with as desirable values, but I don't always agree with the standard package dished out by society as to how those things are achieved.

Is it really such an inspiring end goal to become conditioned to grind along to a 9 to 5 job, set your alarm, brush your teeth, trundle to a job that does little for you because you can't think of a better one, lunch, home for "tea", watch a bit of something, bed to a regime... I mean it's safe.

I completely agree.

You do undoubtedly need to apply yourself to whatever you decide to focus on.

But one of the hardest things to do as a teenager or young adult, is to decide what it essential and what you can afford to ignore.

Resilience, in the sense of working hard at what you are good at/want to achieve, is incredibly important. But school, by its nature, often doesn't allow people much autonomy to decide that. It funnels kids into the machine and tells them they have to do absolutely everything. When a kid is confused, burned out or depressed, its very difficult to disentangle what you hate from what you just feel resentful about.

They are only in half days on Mondays and so these are the days that they should absolutely be made to go in.

I think Mondays are the worst days to have off anyway as it adds to the anxiety but you’re in a great position to tell that him that he needs to go in as they’re only in for the morning.
It’s literally only 3 hours.

It’s a great way to improve resilience without feeling like a bad mum for forcing them to go in.

I would then allow them to have other days off if they need to but try my hardest to encourage them to go in, as once they start having time off it can make the situation worse - but sometimes we all need a day off to recharge and I wouldn’t feel guilty over it.

I would speak to school and explain that he is struggling and ask that they support you to help nip it in the bud.
Tell them that you have come up with an agreement that he’ll come in every day but if he is really struggling then they can be picked up at lunchtime, with the hopes that once they’re in they won’t need collecting early.

Yabu

Not by forcing them into situations they find distressing. A lot of people of Mumsnet seems to be big fans of the idea of 'resilience' through forcing kids into situations that upset them but actually resilience is taught and learned through what you're doing - supporting your child through a tough time. It sounds like you're doing a lot right and seeking the right external help and support. There's such a mismatch between expectations and the general principle of resilience - it doesn't mean you're able to cope with everything perfectly at every stage. I'm a grown adult and very resilient but still take time off work if it's needed, take time out of social activities of it's needed, ask my daughter's dad to pick up the slack if its needed. Part of being resilient is understanding your limitations, putting in place boundaries, and seeking and gaining support. It's not about just forcing people, children, into hard situations to sink or swim. It's about learning how to navigate hard situations. You need support to be able to do that in a healthy way. God knows there are enough bootstraps types in the word who do NOT manage tough times and pressure healthily.

For the specific time off school question, only you can know that. You're, again, seeking support for a plan to keep them in school as much possible so until that's in place, you're the best judge along with your child of what is manageable and helpful for them.

Just to say-my children being allowed to have the occasional day off appears to have had no negative impact on their success in adult life.Obviously I can’t prove it, but I am as sure as I can be that it’s had a positive impact.

For one thing, you don't start when they are like 10, or 13, or whatever.

Its starts right from when they are tiny.
When they are 2 or 2.5 years old and don't want to join in at toddler story time at the library, you firmly encourage them because actually they'll be fine once they sit down. You don't just give up and say 'oh he doesn't want to'.

When they are 4.5 and in reception and don't want to do the reading book because it isn't all easy, you persevere and say no come on we need to do this, 'yes it's tricky but reading is really important, tell you what you read a line then I'll read a line, stick at it'. And if needed you say 'I'm not putting the telly on til we've done the reading so come on we are getting it done, end of'. Yes the child might have a bit of a tantrum but you ride it out, you don't give in a put the telly on or let them off doing it.

Because it's a damn sight easier to have this battle with them when they are small. Too many people give in to the little stuff with a young child because they don't want to put the work in but actually this is when it matters. By age 12/13 it shouldn't be a battle, my kids wouldn't dream of just giving up on something because they've learned over the years to persevere. And I don't have to 'force' them to do anything, they learnt years ago that in our house parents are in charge and there are consequences if you don't do as your asked without bloody good reason.

Resilience is built through their whole childhood.

@usedtobeaylis

There's such a mismatch between expectations and the general principle of resilience - it doesn't mean you're able to cope with everything perfectly at every stage.

Absolutely. I loathe the way "resilience" is trotted out all the time unthinkingly as some stupid buzzword by people who don't know what it means. And the suggestion that the way you teach it is bludgeoning your kids into doing things they hate, riding roughshod over their feelings and ignoring their needs.

There's a spectrum here: obviously a kid can't be encouraged to avoid anything which makes them uncomfortable or anxious. There is definitely a problem with the pathologisation of ordinary, everyday feelings and which, frankly, some kids manipulate. The epidemic of people removing their kids from school because they didn't want to deal with school uniform, for example, or because they couldn't be arsed to get them up in the morning, is an example of where resilience really is lacking.

But learning resilience doesn't mean blindly going along with everything you are asked to do without questioning anything. It doesn't mean working yourself into burnout or suicidal ideation, forcing yourself to accept bullying or misery just to keep up appearances.

It's about deriving strength from overcoming hurdles when you can but also learning enough about yourself to recognise when the stress you are under is doing more harm than good. And finding ways to study and learn which fit you.

I let my DC skip school to study and revise at home.

I don’t think you know what resilience means.