AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

I got 10A* in my GCSEs and my parents let me stay off school whenever I wanted to. I did feel overwhelmed by school sometimes and have no SEN to my knowledge. My parents trusted me to make the judgement.

I find the emphasis on full attendance a bit ridiculous, more so when it is asserted as a determinant of adult experience. I’m a senior lawyer and have never had an issue with work or meeting other commitments.

For me teaching resilience is making them understand that they have do the tough things, even if they dont like it, in the end they will be better for it. Alongside letting them know that I cannot do everything for them forever, so at some point they will have to be on their own and they will need resilience to get them through. I do a an 8yo though so I'm not where you are yet, but he is very quick to give up and because he is mg pfb I do more for him than I should. I tell him we are learning/building it together as my natural instinct is to just fix it so he feels better. I am more now trying to teach him its ok if things go wrong and how to sit with the sadness. It isn't easy.

I have been in the same situation and totally 100% understand the instinct. I gave in too much at one point and it becomes a spiral. I was unknowingly feeding a breeding ground for depression and low self worth. I did realise what was happening thankfully and we got through it.

Once staying home becomes an option it becomes a thought process every single morning. A mental battle which shouldn’t exist. It’s life - we all have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. What is the alternative? It’s not easy. It’s never been easier to make childhood easy and ‘magical’ but the adult environment is getting harder and with hindsight I now think we’re failing kids when we take obstacles and hardness out of their way too readily (obviously there are nuances to that). Of course there is equally need for understanding and kindness and sometimes if not caught early enough there is no option but to reset.

If anxiety is an issue (as it was for us) then avoidance is one of the worst mechanisms to develop. It weakens the ability to cope and spreads to other situations. It’s a cliche but building resilience for life is very important. It’s sink or swim and we have to teach them to swim, even if it’s just doggy paddle. Doggy paddle should be absolutely celebrated. What’s the alternative?

If they are at home, life is predictable of course. But good things don’t happen at home. The good day, the restorative and unexpected laugh with a group, the possibility of shared experience. You don’t just take away the hard thing, you close the door on the good things.

Achievement is so important for self confidence. I’m not talking about academic achievement at all but the feeling of doing the really hard thing (and the really hard thing is different for everyone). No confidence is built from avoidance.

I would insist on school (if it hasn’t developed into full blown school refusal which is a different animal to avoidance) but acknowledge how hard it is, celebrate them going, make sure life at home is as welcoming and upbeat as possible. Depending on budget, we found a family meal out on a Friday helped. We all looked forward to it as a celebration. DH and I talked about what shit weeks we’d had (even if we hadn’t) and how great it felt to get to the weekend. You could do this at home but we just had to get DS out of his bedroom as much as possible.

The school does not own your child.

As someone who worked with young people with SEND and or autism who were in this situation i can tell you to ignore all these people with no experience of it or empathy. Talk to school and get them to come up with a timetable that works so they could be missing part days etc that they don’t need to be doing.

@IAgreeOP

'Reframing it' or dressing it up in therapy speak doesn't change anything other than trying to shut down conversation through a toxic be kind narrative.

I am doing absolutely nothing of the sort. Nothing to do with "be kind" whatsoever and if anyone's being toxic it's not me.

I've been really clear that in the vast majority of cases children need to be made to show up and learn to get on with it. Pushing past discomfort, all things being equal, is a good life lesson.

However there is a small number of children who suffer from mental health or neurodiversity problems of varying degrees of severity for whom school is a traumatic flashpoint. You don't solve this by forcing kids out of the door (in fact this is often physically impossible) and banging on about "resilience" without interrogating what this actually means.

I have two friends whose children refuse school: one has recovered, the other is coming out of it but in both cases its meant months of absolute hell for the parents and the children physically can't be persuaded to go to school. It's not as simple as just being "resilient"; it's a highly complex, and absolutely harrowing, situation.

I'm not clear from the OP's post whether this applies here. I don't think its great for kids to be told they don't need to go to school because they're not feeling it. But if a child is in the middle of a serious mental health episode you can bang on about "resilience" all you like but its for the birds if your child is self-harming, threatening suicide, locking themself in their room for days on end etc.

I'd like to see how some of you would manifest this "resilience" if you were in this position.

What is the school doing to support you? If your child can’t cope with full time school, a plan needs to be put in place to support their learning, but also to avoid you getting in to trouble for their non attendance. Your title says occasionally missing school. But your post suggests it’s not “occasionally” but is more an EBSA. This needs a coordinated and supportive approach.

School attendance, particularly in Year 10 and 11 is extremely important. Missing school means, your child isn't there for vital lessons, to learn the material, that will help pass exams. No, exams aren't the be all and end all of life, but without at least maths and English, getting into college or finding a job will be tough. There aren't the entry level jobs any more for our young people, and employers are reluctant to employ someone young, when they can choose someone with experience. Life in the job market is tough out there.

First port of call is to speak to the SENCO and/or HOY and see if you can come to an arrangement, with your son's input, so he's in school. If necessary see if they will agree to a reduced timetable, and work to do at home. Work with the school and your son to find a solution, that he can at least tolerate. He's got approximately 12 weeks of Year 10 left to go.

It would help to know the following:

1. How many days has she missed this year?
2. Is she at home alone when she stays home?
3. What does she do with herself when she stays off school?

School is not optional.
For some reason, so many kids think that it is these days.
I do not know how they’re going to cope with a full working week.

My parents were barely around but I still just went in every day as that’s just what you did.

I teach my child that school is part of daily life and just something that they have to do, like every other child.

Not going in makes anxiety worse, so it’s a vicious cycle.

That being said, if she needs a day off let her have a day off.
Its not the end of the world to miss a couple of days here and there.

My rule (unless actually poorly) was that they have to go in on a Monday and Tuesday.
I find not going in for the weekend can heighten anxiety and so I didn’t want to make it worse by giving them a Monday or Tuesday off.

I also don’t allow screens if they’re home or to go out with friends in the evening etc.
They can use the day doing revision and tidying their room, reading etc.

You don’t want to punish them for being poorly but you also don’t want to make staying home more too fun.
I find some young people literally want to stay home just so that they can be on their phones or games all day instead.

This OP. Not to mention in missing school DC is only going to fall further behind and it'll be worse when they do go in.
Rather than letting her avoid learning I would be looking to scaffold her learning more by hiring a tutor for subjects she's struggling most. If she can cover some of the material at home on the weekend in a slower more manageable way with a tutor she might then find she can cope better on school.

School avoidance is the worst path to go down at this point. It's a path it's extremely difficult to turn back from; they attend school less and less and eventually refuse to go at all and end up with no qualifications and no options in life.

I've skipped a lot of this thread as it's full of people saying take computers away as if that's all parenting is now. Also Resilience as if resilience is really some kind of personal quality not a term borrowed from engineering about metal strips and the bounce they can bear. Humans are not steels. Sorry if this is obvious or things have developed.

I sent my self-harming depressed y10 off in tears this morning. I am now wondering if I'm the bad parent for making her go because she has asd and the stress is cumulative and maybe I should have just let her have the day off to help her later on the week/month/year. If your DD seems more or less regulated and ok as a rule when you let her have the day off occasionally you might be doing it exactly right because she may be coping with school/life in a way that she wouldn't if you were forcing her in every day.

Basically there is no right answer except on Mumsnet which is full of A+ perfect parents of steel girder children.

Psycho-education.

Awareness + Acceptance + Agency = resilience.

Start by being aware of the physiology of your body and mind - first how physical body sensations (gut, chest, throat, head) become feelings/emotions (sad, bad, glad, mad) then intrusive thoughts and unhelpful behaviours.

End game is where to intercept and process the sensation/emotion/ thought in order to change gear to re-direct to a better response ie behavioural outcome rather than let it reactively run rapidly right through to unhelpful flight, fight, flop etc. behaviours.

Become aware and tuned in to bodily sensations, emotions and thoughts
and log them (when, where, what triggered it, how long did it last, what resolved it) - this is using ‘Mentalisation’ technique - where you are not all driven and consumed by your thoughts and feelings but you are allowing yourself to notice sensations, name your emotions and observe your thoughts as something your are ‘above’ - and you have the power to take control - to allow them to pass - to de-escalate by shifting gear with a coping strategy.

Having endured years of depression and anxiety where avoidance (flight) is the desire I have noted that it’s worse in the mornings and by 11 I am fine if I push through and get engaged with life. When your DC comes home from school how are they then?

This is the biology of depression and anxiety in the mornings:

Many people with depression and anxiety do feel worse in the morning. It’s a well-recognized pattern, especially in conditions like Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
A few reasons this happens:
Biology (your body clock)
Your mood is tied to your circadian rhythm. In depression, this rhythm can be disrupted, leading to what’s called diurnal mood variation—mood is lowest in the morning and improves later in the day.
Cortisol spike
Your body naturally releases more cortisol (a stress hormone) shortly after waking. In people with anxiety or depression, that spike can feel overwhelming—like waking up already tense or uneasy.
Sleep quality
If sleep is poor or fragmented (which is common with both conditions), mornings can feel heavy, foggy, and emotionally flat or anxious.
Thought patterns
Mornings can bring a rush of worries or negative thoughts (“I have to face the day,” “I can’t handle this”), which amplifies the feeling.

That said, not everyone experiences it this way—some people actually feel worse in the evening. But what you’re describing is very common.
If this is happening to you, a few small adjustments can sometimes help:

• Give yourself a gentler start (avoid jumping straight into stress)
• Get light exposure early (even just opening curtains)
• Have a simple, predictable morning routine
• Limit immediately checking stressful messages/news

If you’re able to pick them up from school early then always encourage them to go in and pick them up early if needed.

Often it’s the initial getting in that’s the biggest hurdle, but once they’re in then it’s fine.

As soon as they start not going in, it becomes a cycle and every morning they’ll have more anxiety.

But knowing that they have to go in but can leave if they’re struggling can really help to ease the anxiety.

I'd suggest a reduced timetable - just focus on the subjects she needs for 16+ plans.

Sorry to hear that. You never know whether you are doing the right thing or not as a parent

Can we ask for this? How will it work?

It sounds like you are managing his needs very well and he is getting an education in a way that works for him.

I am a teacher and I have seen an increasing number of young people unable to attend school for a variety of reasons including, but not limited to, SEND, the curriculum and worsening behaviour in schools. Unfortunately, my experience has been that most children who start out missing a few days here and there, tend to end up eventually not attending at all and they have never managed to come back in, despite remaining on our registers and being given lots of support and encouragement (not pressure). Out of 15 children like this in recent years, only one has managed to still get decent GCSE grades because they were studying at home - the others either haven’t sat the exams or end up with very low grades in just a few core subjects. All of these children qualified for a selective school, so are in the top 40% academically. I totally understand that school will not be right for everyone, so it’s not a question of forcing them in - I wouldn’t be spending hours a day trying to persuade my child in - or of letting them pick and choose, in my opinion. It’s more important to make a conscious choice to do education differently and having a clear expectation and plan around that. If that’s setting boundaries for what can be done on the occasional days that school feels ‘too much’ that still means it’s purposeful and good for their resilience/mental health, great. If it’s a plan for a reduced timetable agreed with school, great. If it’s home education and just removing the idea of school altogether, great. If it’s just being allowed to drift into avoiding difficult situations and getting no education at all bit-by-bit, it’s definitely not the kind way to support that child in the long term. Even a child struggling with school needs structure and a bit of gentle pushing along to be able to achieve what they’re capable of and to build/preserve their self-esteem.

90 percent attendance. Have missed the last 3 Mondays as they have the therapist appointment in the afternoon so perhaps feel they should miss Monday morning. Will have a chat to them as I don’t want to become common occurrence; don’t mind the old day off to recharge; will also speak to school to request additional support this week: time outs, reduced time table, etc.

Not home alone, either DH and I work from home. Have tutoring today.

It sounds like a sensible approach to me, OP. Forcing them into school was entirely counterproductive for us and is not recommended now.

How many GCSEs are they sitting. If it’s quite a few could they drop some and focus on key GCSEs which then frees up some of their
timetable (could start later or finish earlier).

For example if they are sitting geography unless they really love it do they need to? I think focusing on maths, English, science could
be the way forward. They might get better grades on the core subjects too.

You would need to weigh this up with career plans / a level plans for the future so you don’t lock them out of plans

This x 100. Why would anyone want a child to burn out?
having Sen in a mainstream school where often teachers don’t have enough knowledge or resources to support effectively means that your child is often trying much harder than their peers and dealing with fallout of not achieving, embarrassment if they are receiving extra help and so many other things draining their nervous system.
let them take time out when needed.
they’re kids with extra needs , not adults who’ve learned how to cope with all of life’s challenges in a naturally progressive environment.

Further to my post, my child was self harming in years 8 and some of year 9.
The school was absolutely amazing with her and arranged therapy. Which she leaned into and overcame. She is now in year 11. It has taken a a lot of effort and focus to catch up on her part and I’m not sure she is where she was before - but I honestly think school avoidance would not have helped her situation.
It’s incredibly scary when you are in the thick of it. But there is light and hope that with support they can grow. My child is a stronger, more grounded person on the other side of this. Props to her.

Right - NOT as bad as I imagined (ex secondary headteacher here)!

I think the advice you're taking to be pro-actuve and talk to her school, possibly arrange reduced timetable, etc is good.

I asked about what she's doing when not in school because I think you need to make sure she has a "timetable" for those times, so that her time is structured. This could be doing work and reading for the subjects she going to focus on, and/or activities her therapist might recommend. It miggt also be exercise or hobby-related - but I recommend it's "timetabled", rather than 'teenage faffing'.

The thing is, school can be such a toxic environment these days, that it is essentially abusive to send a child who is already struggling to cope - to the point of self-harming - back into it every day. I agree we need to teach and model resilience, but we wouldn’t say that to a woman living with an abusive partner. There are situations where resilience is actually harmful.