AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

As a shy child, I couldn't disagree more with half of this. Forced participation just made me fucking hate forced participation and it took me decades to undo feelings of obligation that have got nothing to do with resilience and everything to do with adults forcing their will on you when you're a powerless child.

Exactly. There's a lot of bludgeoning.

True resilience comes from within, from a place of safety. Forcing kids into school when they are anxious about it is going to do the opposite.

I find it so I interesting that if an adult is struggling at work, very stressed and the environment is not good for them, the advice is to find another job or go off sick for a bit. But children, who are less mature than adults, are expected to just suck it up.

Never did I say force them.

I have one very socially outgoing child. One very very shy introverted child. I didn't force either but I absolutely taught both to be able cope with situations they weren't 100% uncomfortable with. That's part of life.

That's well put.

And it makes things out to be All Important that sometimes are just goals or values that don't pertain to the individual. I guess it's a kind of enforced Group Think that means they are frowned on and told they are a failure for not buying into.

Another insightful comment.

I note a similar attitude in many situations where children are expected to be more adult than the adults.

Part of what makes children feel safe is parents being in charge. When you are in charge you take responsibility, you make the decision. The most secure children are those who don't need to worry - because mum/dad have got this. They feel safe, they know exactly where the boundaries are, they know mum and dad won't let them stray too far off the path.

This doesn't mean crazy authoritarian parenting but parents do need to be the ones in charge, not the child.

I agree with this too, but I do think they need to feel there is a "help" button.

I agree with you but would nudge and encourage and explore and listen to feelings.

So I would ask how they were feeling before hand and address any fears. I would suggest they try to sit through and tolerate some discomfort in their own awareness.

Most importantly I would get them to check in with their feelings after the activity - as often the fear has subsided, didn’t materialise, they coped fine with the activity or they even enjoyed it. In my workplace this is called ‘after action review’.

And then the next time going to a similar activity I would ask them to remember how they felt AFTER the last time and tap into that feeling rather than the anticipatory anxiety which we all feel throughout our lives.

I am an extrovert working in a very stressful and exposed role - and everyday and every meeting I have to take a deep breath before stepping forward. I tell myself to be brave, to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’, to have ‘courage’ - knowing there cannot be courage without fear - it’s part of the package - that moves us forward.

But that isn't the advice always given? People are regularly told, speak to your line manager, reach out to HR, see if you can improve the situation?? You don't just give up your job and hide at home when the going gets tough. Yes if it's really awful you seek another job - and if someone's child was really unhappy in an awful school I'd absolutely say yes consider moving schools. I wouldn't however, suggest just giving up entirely on school?

Does your DC know what they want to do and what they need to get there?

I do think that for those struggling like this focusing on the core subjects and any others where they have a particular strength (e.g if talented in art) makes sense.

Trying to teach kids struggling with English another language just seems pointless. Rather than missing random days, having a few periods free to catch up makes sense.

But randomly missing days and getting behind in everything will only increase stress.

Meet with the school and see if there's a better plan all round.

AI can be helpful here in gathering your thoughts and suggesting questions or actions points - or just making everything more neutral in tone so it becomes about solutions rather than grievances.

And how are they going to manage when they decide they don’t like work? Because workplaces won’t accept them constantly taking time off for no reason other than they don’t like work! You need to build resilience in your child and keep allowing them to take time off isn’t doing that! They will fall even further behind in GCSEs with time off and it will only become harder!

Would you say the same thing if they were in employment?

I think a PP said to go off sick with stress

Hard to know TBH - as it depends on the child.

We expected them to go in and did in primary have to force it a bit - they were fine and there's been no lasting effects - there are at uni doing well socially and acadmcially. We worried given personalities involved that once would quickly be all the time.

Secondary with DD2 it was school without consulting us or asking for GP information decided DD2 could miss some lessons due to anxiety in Y10 - we had to encourage and find ways to keep her in the lessons having no levers to pull once she was in school - ear plugs rescus remedy fidget toys and constant remider sshe be better of being taught by subject teacher. We also had to for two subjects basically teach them at home - and she did well in end.

I think generally it is better to keep them in as much as possible - or switch to home schooling. However once you hit mental health issues like self harm - it's much harder to actually tell what's best - and some kids do well with a break as they just can't cope in the school. Makes it very hard as a parent to know how to proceed - and think comes down to knowing the actual child involved.

If the reason for skipping school is due to "pressure", this won't be helped by missing lessons and getting behind with the learning.

Speak to your child and get a full understanding of what the issues are with school. They need to try and be as specific as possible. I.e The Maths teacher goes to fast in his explanations as opposed to I just don’t like Maths.

Look at the issues and determine if anything can be changed simply.

Speak to the school and ask them what they are experiencing from your child and share his issues with them to see if they can be resolved.

I would let your child have tomorrow off school to go through all of this and try and get a handle on what’s going on.

Most people who have never experienced this, will think you are a weak parent, you don’t care, you are setting them to fail, what happens when they get a job blah blah blah but this is different.

You know your child, you know if they have genuine issues or if they are taking the piss and want to stay in bed all day on TikTok.

I had a “school refuser” we tried everything. I understand the situation.

They left school with no GCSE’s, but immediately started an apprenticeship and is absolutely thriving.

I wouldn't however, suggest just giving up entirely on school?

Well they can't anyway: it's illegal.

But equally I think banging your head against a brick wall to build resilience isn't a good way forward either.

Other schools, home-schooling options ... Op needs to have a think and I don't think she needs to feel those kind of readjustments are some sort of failure or carry the stigma of failing to instil resilience. True resilience is the ability to really figure out what works for us and how to go about it, not to hide in the masses feeling depressed.

Which will rack up time off sick and result in the workplace taking action regarding excessive sick leave! So the result is the same and their job is on the line!

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path;

If my parents had taken this stance I would never have gone to school at all. Primary was OK but I hated secondary from the day I started to the day left.

Just based on what my DC’s school is doing - if school agrees to reduced timetable or similar especially in year 11 check what attendance level is needed for prom attendance and ask that it be adjusted to something achievable for your child, if prom is important to them. My DC’s school has said any unauthorised absence this half term means no prom and if already bought tickets will be refunded and cancelled.

I would never drag my child physically to school and if they were in year 10 I’d be unlikely to be able to as they are already bigger than me apart from the smallest!
My eldest one is in secondary school
now and is doing ok but primary was very different. Due ASD he struggled had no friends etc and was always an outsider. Some days when he was crying and begging not to go in, he stayed at home.
I managed to keep his attendance up by agreeing I would pick him up early if he went in or he would go in fractionally later etc
The current school system fails some children, it is very different to when I went.
I would speak to the school and see if a reduced timetable can be agreed, where core subjects are attended and others aren’t.
School is just a small snapshot, I have a friends that left school at 16 with no GCSE’s who had families early but then when back into education when their children were older and they now have degrees and work in a whole range of jobs.
Once she has left secondary school, doing her choice of a practical course at college she will probably fly.
In some ways I wish they’d let some students do apprenticeships little earlier if not academic like they used to. My Dad hated school left at 14 for an apprenticeship, my brother who has ADHD struggled with school/behaviour and left at 16 to do an apprenticeship and now runs his own very successful business.
School is not the be all and end all and if it’s affecting your child to the point of self harming etc mental health must come first.

I would say that you put them in situations which are just outside their comfort zone, but which you know are likely to be achievable for them. And if they don't manage it the first time, you keep encouraging them to give it another go.

Resilience comes from pushing yourself, knowing you might succeed and you might fail but giving it a go anyway. Support without judgement, so they feel safe to try but not afraid of failure.

I see this a lot with volunteering with girlguiding. Many children seem to be being raised to be fearful about trying anything new, many parents too tbh. We encourage them to give new things a go, and keep gently nudging them forwards, with lots of support and praise. Seeing them be so proud of themselves at achieving something they didn't think they could do is such a joy

Does your daughter do any extra curriculars? Sometimes having something to focus on outside school can be helpful, if school is challenging. It's can be counter intuitive as may feel that already overloaded, but doing something active may be better for her mental health than being at home, where temptation can be to just go on screens

Unless Monday morning's lessons are all non-academic subjects, it’s really not a good idea to miss the same ones every week. If, for example, DD misses a maths lesson every Monday, she will find the maths lessons she does go to much harder to understand.

Obviously I don't agree with them.