AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

@Sunriseseaview I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I followed the advice of educational professionals and forced my clearly distressed child into school and it ended in burnout for months. School does not suit everyone and the one size fits all approach is so damaging. You can take exams at any point in your life, there is no timeline that everyone has to follow. Go with your gut you know your child better than anyone x

What's the difference between forcing and 'firmly encourage and don't give up'?

The would they miss the morning if they’re already going to miss the afternoon? That’s the day I’d make sure they definitely went in. They only need to do the morning!
You wouldn’t take a whole day off work for an appt. Also missing time off then causes anxiety of missed work, how to do things etc it become a vicious circle.

You can only encourage them to explore once they feel safe in my experience. I was shy and my daughter was a shy baby, absolute no way in hell was I pushing her forward the way I was, against every fibre of my own being. I was judged quite a lot by my own family for approaching it the way I did, as a responsive parent first and foremost - I didn't make her sit with any discomfort. She had a particular quirk she used to do when she was feeling shy and I know the prevailing idea was to just push her forward, don't let her be shy. Instead I let her quirk out as much as she needed to. She's 11 now and the most outgoing, social person in my entire family but she is not afraid to step back or to say she needs to step back. She's very, very strong in her boundaries and feels safe to express and enforce them, but also feels safe to push herself, and actually she is capable of making that decision on her own to a large degree. I strongly believe it comes from feeling safe first and foremost. Just pushing without the a scaffolding doesn't benefit any child imo.

I allowed mine to miss school. They are both AuDHD and I genuinely thought it was okay.

But it a slippery slope as one day here or there becomes one day a week, becomes multiple days. Then you have (in my case) one child who is then unable to adjust to regular attendance at 6th form so was asked to leave twice -ended up doing an access course and going to uni 3 years later; and another child who SHOULD have got high grades but fluffled his GCSEs because you can’t really catch up from online notes/text books and there is so much stuff communicated in class about exam technique that they miss.

DC1 is still struggling with uni and likely to be kicked out and/or repeat a year. I have low expectations they will ever hold down a FT job at the rate they are going. It’s heartbreaking as they are an Astar/gifted student. I feel [know] it is our fault for behaving as though they were special and should be allowed to not attend all the time.

DC2 was devastated by GCSE results and started at the only local tech that would take him with his grades. Has missed one day due to migraine in 2 years, and is projected to get A/Astars in Alevels. They have turned their life around but only by understanding that they HAVE to attend every lesson, every day.

If I could go back to yr 10 for my eldest, I would have physically walked them into school every bloody day and insisted they make it through the day, even if that meant visiting the pastoral hub regularly.

Speak to the school and get support - counselling, support from the pastoral lead, establish what options there are in the day if DC is overwhelmed/low/struggling. But, no, I wouldn’t encourage MH days off.

If they didn't want to physically go to school, would you work to facilitate learning but just at home? I think that's fine and sensible. My DC have skipped school,yes, but to revise and study at home.

Making children sit with mild discomfort says "you can cope with mild discomfort".
Never letting them sit with discomfort says "you are not strong, you need me to cope for you because you cannot cope".
I think where PPs are wrong is that they won't let their child do anything that causes them even mild discomfort.
If things are a cause of major distress they need to be cut down to the point where they are only a cause of mild distress - not avoided entirely.

How do you people teach resilience?

Not sure you can - you try and teaching coping techniques and provide props/aid and support.

Our DC have SEN and ND - they took longer to pick some basic skills like reading and maths concepts up but they did it and then flew with them. There was a lot of "advice" of accepting they'd never get there which we thankfully ignored.

One of DD2 friends who failed to turn up to one of the maths GCSE papers so convienced there was no point - passed level 2 at college first re-take. She often missed lesson and her mother was telling her it was all fine not to have GCSE and she's never pass plus school had low expectations. She found post 16 she needs GCSE - but has found college is a better place to learn not least because they tell her she can do things and she found they are right.

If you have turtoing in place and she still struggling - I would be trying to get a reduce timetable - she need five GCSE grade 4 and abov inlcuding maths and Enlish lang to open as many doors as possible post 16 - and if that's looking unlikely you need to look now at what your area has so she knows what options are there.

I'm not against the idea of eeduc8ng demand but I think I'd want to be clear what that is. At the moment it looks like your teen is extending the weekend into Monday and tbh if they are missing thet time and still wanting to achieve good exam results that's going to mean catching up their own time which I think you'll agree isn't feasible.

You'd be better making a plan for whatever success looks like for them. Maybe that's 5 good GCSEs to get onto the next course, in which case I'd still push for full time attendance but only expect them to really work hard at the 5 agreed subjects and revise for them. But that of course is a deliberate decision to narrow the scope of their future so it is a trade off.

I think you're better off deciding what outcome you all want to achieve and then planning for that rather than just accepting that a teen knows their limits and can manage that.

I know you won't want to hear it but as adults we all think our parents should have made different decisions so just prepare yourself that if you do narrow options, they may resent you in 10 years if life isn't going as they expected so just do what you think is best and stand by it.

On the home days would the person just study at home?

I think it largely depends on whether or not they are making effort to keep up with the rest and not fall behind. I've missed a ton of classes in both high school and college and I knew there woukd be consequences so I did my best to still learn everything I could've missed to make sure I'll do fine during the exams and tests. If anything, it taught me that some situations, in fact, could be well avoided as long as you're ready to face the consequences and do something to stay in line.

Personally I believe children should be in school all tge time unless really ill. Sets them up for real working life.

I agree. But then there are people who use the real working life argument and say they shouldn't be made to do homework.

YABU

I think describing it as 'discomfort' is minimising. I was a school refuser. Forcing me in would not only have been impossible, but also wouldn't have taught me anything about resilience and everything about how many people are jerks.

I hold down a job just fine - but I also recognise when that job is burning me out, and when something needs to change, and as an adult, I have that power. I also recognise when I have to power through and just get shit done. I actually think skipping school and studying for my GCSEs/A-levels alone was what taught me that skill.

Forcing a child into school who's burning out is teaching them that no-one is on their side, and that's a terrible place to feel you are. I know this.

What was your scaffolding to ensure she felt safe?

There is a middle ground. You find a way for them to complete the work, with the support of the school and if that means supervised working from home when they need a quiet day, then fine.
Taking a day to play Minecraft or hang around the shops because they can't be bothered is not.

I had similar, my daughter had a few random sickness days and then she opened up why. I wasn’t happy with her just missing days even though I understood why. I spoken to school about it. She is ND and was struggling. The agreement we came to is that when she feels like that she emails the HOY just a single word. This tells them she is struggling and the will give extra support. She has done this a couple of times and has not asked for any more sick days.

High school teacher here. I really sympathise with you/your DC, but would ask you to look at how missing multiple days might make school MORE stressful due to missing the GCSE curriculum. I have students in similar situations to your DC, and it can be a negative spiral, as they come in having missed big chunks of the texts we’re studying (English) and feel lost, unable to complete assessments, panicked about not knowing the texts for the exams etc. Rather than your DC having random days off, could you work with the school’s pastoral and send staff, to work out a reduced timetable? So your DC maybe drops 1-2 of their options GCSEs, and commits to being in school for core subjects and an options subject they enjoy?

Thank you all.

I spoke with DC. They understand the situation and have requested to drop one GCSE which has been causing lots of stress (it is the optional actually) and also rest breaks during school.

I told them I don’t mind the odd day off if they really need to recharge but didn’t want this to become a weekly occurrence as is not good for them and put me in a difficult situation of having to lie to school. I have a meeting with SENCO this week.

This sounds positive and empowering for your DC, hopefully school will support and this will tackle the source of stress rather than having to use absence to tackle the results of stress. Wishing you both all the best xx

YABVU. DC can't just miss work in the future just cuz ...

If they have less that 95% attendance the EWO from the Council will arrange meetings with you at school with his HOY, to discuss strategies. Missing y10 content is unforgivable as it will affect their GCSE results. Im sure you have put Access arrangements in place, this is possible even without a formal diagnosis.

My DS has AuDHD it took so long to get the diagnosis so he'd left school by this time.
He was overwhelmed and got burnt out so often at school so I did this and I don't care what others opinions are, school doesn't always teach what children need to survive in a NT world.
I agreed that 1 day per half term he could have off, but we would do something that he liked, so we would plan the day out, it would aline with his interests and and be educational, so museums etc.
It really helped and gave him something to work in school towards.
He's nearly 30 now, has been in full time employment for over 10 years, earns well, owns a home etc and most importantly has had the total of 20 days off sick in 10 years ( he counts) this was for back surgery and he was supposed to be off longer but he wanted to go back, his work ethic is amazing, even though he's not overly keen on his job.
He still plans for his 1 day per 'half term' outing, using his allocated holiday.
I was lead by my child's needs and my understanding of them and not what others thought.

This sounds like a step in the right direction and shows you are making your child feel safe while also making clear that school is non negotiable. A good approach.

You do have to hold the line on attendance though.