AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

But in adult life you can to some extent choose your job / working environment. Not everyone goes to work every day in a building with 1000 others, crowded corridors, moving every hour, being asked to do work you can't do.

I let my teens have one day per term when they can call in sick if they’re not actually sick, I think we all just need a mental break or a duvet day sometimes. They don’t always utilise it anyway, they know that one day is the absolute limit and they are working hard on the whole so I feel this is a good balance.

Obviously OP your situation is more complex so I guess it depends on just how many days he’s taking off as to whether it’s ok, and does his therapist have an opinion about it all?

I'm sure when they don't turn up for their job because they don't feel like it, that will go down well 🙄 great lesson to teach your kid. Not.

I think your default needs to be that you encourage your child to express their worries and difficulties to you, listen openly and without judgement (and yes, there will be things in the school experience that will sit badly with you because school is not always the best), and frame it all as 'life can be hard, and you can do hard things'.

Be your child's advocate and problem-solve as appropriate but the first-line response is to listen and acknowledge their feelings (also the best way to keep channels of communication open so you really know what is going on).

Very occasionally it might be right, reading your child closely, to allow a day off, not to avoid a tricky event but for general recuperation, but this needs to not be the default response as (a) it teaches avoidance rather than resilience and (b) it is far harder to reenter a structured programme of lessons if you miss some.

All this assumes that you believe your child needs to be at this school taking GCSEs next year. If you have a better alternative, best to seek it out right away rather than allow them to "fail" at this school through avoidance.

Exactly, and DD's burnout reminded me every bit of when I was burned out at work. And got another job. It's like having the worst job you could imagine and being forced to do that for years.

I think its fine to let them do something vocational rather than A levels. However I think its important that they attend school until then. It may feel pointless but it's about giving the right messages that in life you do have to do things reliably whether you want to or not, something's aren't optional etc. You don't want a situation where whenever something is difficult they think they can just stop. What if they carry that forward to college or a job?
I think it would be better to support them to get through the days, knowing there's an end in sight and they can go to college.
Obviously in the case of serious MH issues as you allude to in your update, you take professional advice on what would be best in your specific case.

This is what has happened to some dc I know. They didn't want to sit their mocks so didn't. And then came back into school to everyone else getting their mocks and marks back and going through the papers. They panicked because they didn't do the mocks and now they barely attend at all.

Much better to work with the school to support the child to have breaks etc when they're in.

Nit getting your basic qualifications will impact for years. I would do absolutely everything to prioritise getting them.

Why do people on here think that just because someone can't cope with everything that secondary school demands of them, that the student will turn out to be flakey in an entirely different environment of a vocational course at college, or work?
At school up to GCSEs the curriculum is such that some kids are forever being asked to do things that are way too hard in an environment that overwhelms them.
Stick them on the right course at college that leads to the right kind of job and they can fly.

By giving children confidence that they are capable of things that currently feel a bit out of reach to them.

So, that will involve allowing children to take risks and try things they haven’t tried before, letting them know that it’s not the end of the world if they don’t manage it but that you have confidence that they can. Sometimes that means allowing things when you’d rather keep them ‘safe’ at home because it stops you worrying. Encouraging independence and trying new things (say for example letting your 15 year old go camping with a friend) often means that you as a parent have to put up with worrying if they’re ok whilst they’re actually doing it, but the long term gain is huge. Of course if you allow the camping trip (again just an example) you will want to put in several ‘scaffolds’ the first time they do it, like talking them through what to do in case of emergency and making sure they have all the right equipment and that the person they go with is sensible etc. You also let them know they can always call you if needed but that you’re sure they’ll have a great time and they will do a great job. And then you let them do it! And watch their confidence build as they discover what they’re made of.

When my DS was about 12, I started getting calls from the school medical room on a Monday afternoon that he was ill and needed collecting. This happened three or four times until I twigged the pattern. I sat down with DS and asked him about Monday afternoons and it turned out he was a bit scared of the art teacher (nothing untoward he was just a bit sarcastic and not very tolerant of those with zero talent for art). DS himself hadn’t realised that’s why he always had a tummy ache on Monday afternoons, so we talked it through, laughed a bit at how he and his dad both struggled with art at school and how it doesn’t matter really as long as we do our best. We talked about not taking something to heart when the teacher says something sarcastic and reframing it in our heads and he was fine after that. No more Monday afternoons to the medical office and DS had learned that he can put up with the discomfort of a teacher with a bit of an attitude problem and not let it affect how he feels too much.

I was talking with DS (now 29!) about this recently and he said ‘You and dad were always really good at sheltering us from things that are for adults to worry about, not children, but also helping us to navigate the things we did have to face and giving us the confidence to do them.’ I made loads of mistakes as a parent, we all do, but I’m really proud of the fact that DS (and his completely fearless younger sister) have grown up to be confident, resilient adults.

How often?

And how intense is the distress?

Self harming is quite a drip feed.

Once a week because they just don’t feel 100% about going in or Once a month because they are self harming?

It makes a difference.

But I hope the therapy is helping.

GCSEs are a stepping stone to whatever the next step is. Are they on course for what they would like to do?

Agree. I sympathise too because I had a horrible job where I burnt out last year; however I will speak with DD and school to see how we can help so missing school doesn’t become a habit.l; so I know DD find all this learning mentally draining.

Resilience is probably the most poorly understood, misused concept. My DD is the most resilient teenager, she’s dealt with more adversity in her young years than most people encounter in a life time. She massively struggles with school.

Yes part of building resilience is about supporting young people out of their comfort zone, however when you are daily going into a situation that causes high levels of stress it basically undermines resilience because there is no respite. An important part of being resilient is knowing how and when you need to stop and recover. To be able to manage your environment to support your wellbeing - by slowing down, taking breaks and through constructive activity that helps you reset.

It’s not about “I don’t feel like it”, it’s more I need to stop for a day so I can keep going in the longer term. If your child is self harming they are screaming that they aren’t coping, regardless of whether everyone else can, whether people think they should or whatever. Pushing past coping point isn’t resilience, it’s abuse.

Id be looking at the supports available, but part of that support for my child would be taking time out of school if need be.

I'd personally not be allowing them to miss school.. when they have a job they won't just be able to miss a day if they feel tired or stressed will they? Think you may be setting them up for a struggle when they do start working.

Instead I'd try to see what may make school better for them. What things can you do to make their week easier? What they can do to make mornings easier etc. Can school do anything to support?

it’s a no from me. It’s your responsibility that this child gets to school on time every day

ETA just seen your update and in that case I’d say something different: if your Dd is self harming then double down on therapy. Not school. Get all the support you can

No, this should be authorised absence on medical grounds (mental health, exhaustion, burnout). School should be putting support in place.
Note my use of should...

I think I might be in a minority, but yes, I did let my children miss the occasional day. I trusted them to talk to me and not to overuse it.

'Reframing it' or dressing it up in therapy speak doesn't change anything other than trying to shut down conversation through a toxic be kind narrative.

I agree with others that teaching avoidance rather than resilience is not how to grow healthy, fully functional adults

I understand, those saying ‘resilience’ are missing the Learning difficulty aspect. This child isn’t by virtue of regular attendance going to meet the bar for the academic exams, they’re just going to be in a failing situation more. College will be better, once they can access an appropriate practical qualification. They just need to get through school first with the mental health and confidence to succeed in appropriate study. It’s a really really difficult balance in year 10 and 11 when you have a child who doesn’t meet the demands of GCSEs and the attached pressure. You want them to do their best, but not learn that however had they try it’s not going to get them to the goals that everyone is talking about of sixth form. They can end up disillusioned and reluctant to take next steps. If you talk them up, talk about a good future and take a bit of common sense and balance in your approach then it’s usually best.
listen to them, go with your gut as the first that knows your child best and review the situation regularly

Yes, YABU. Send them. You can’t let them bunk off just because they can’t be bothered. What sort of message does that send?

Op, this is one of those situations where context matters.

eg
my year 10 child has cancer and is expected to die within the year. Should I make her go to school? Clearly no.

my year 10 child is severely disabled and not capable of getting any marks in the GCSEs much less passing them. Should I make her go to school? Well - maybe talk to the school because a kid this severely disabled shouldn’t be put under this sort of pressure.

my year 10 child is due to get all 9s in her GCSE’s but is panicking because she might drop a mark in one of her mocks - talk to her, do some work on her perfectionism, reassure her that you love her etc etc.

the context really does matter and your initial post didn’t really give it.

make a new post with the context.

It’s tempting - my son often doesn’t want to go in. He’s very bright, no learning difficulties, but isnt very popular at school, struggles with social exclusion and has had problems with bullying (he’s year 6.) In my experience, on the few occasions I’ve capitulated, if his makes it worse and then he never wants to go. It doesn’t help him in the long run and he’s not a kid who would thrive being home schooled.
My daughter had big issues with anxiety in year 8 and 9 which made concentrating and processing content really hard. I’m so glad she never wanted to miss school because she always felt it made it even harder to catch up.
I’ve been on the periphery of parents whose kids have school refused and had big issues with non attendance (supported by their parents who no doubt felt they were doing right by their kids.) In none of the situations I’ve seen has this turned out well.

I don't think this is the right thing to do. You are setting a precedent for the rest of their life.

I would definitely speak to the school about dropping some GCSEs to lower the pressure a bit while still doing enough to get into college and do something more vocational. But allowing them to just skip school might make things worse. I can see it with some of the children in DD's year, they started skipping lessons due to bullying and friendship problems and their parents obviously were trying their best to be understanding and supportive but they started missing more and more school so now I'll be surprised if they pass the year, they might be held back and have to repeat the year (not uk) which will make things even tougher on them. That said, last year DD was suffering with stress that made her physically ill and I let her stay home quite a lot but also worked with the school to set up counselling to help get her back.

By not giving them the choice to opt out.

Speak to the school, discuss a reduced timetable, see if there is an alternative location where they can be at school and do their work without being in the lesson.

I work in a secondary school and we have provisions available for those that struggle with 5 lessons a day. You need to work with the school.

Yeah not a good approach to life, avoidance.... let's see how well that goes with his future employer.
Old habits die hard OP. The principles you teach your son now will last a lifetime