AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

Depends on the child. I routinely missed a week of school every month from 10-18 due to such intense period pains I couldn’t walk, let alone go to school. I still did incredibly well. But I was motivated and happy (no mental health issues).

I can’t say what I would do in your situation, but my child’s motivation and ability to self study would be a huge factor in my decision.

Have you actually spoken to the school about this?

While your child might not want to do A levels, college can be more strict regarding attendance, even if they end up doing a level 2 course. The colleges near me do not chase absences and if your child doesn't attend and is therefore not meeting the requirements they generally get kicked off the course. So it's not ideal to get your son into the habit of thinking attendance is not compulsory.

'The drive from within' is a ridiculous statement for any y10 child, let alone one that is suffering additional struggles. Best to teach resilience now, yabu.

I have a meeting with SENCO this week. I will work out a plan so hopefully they can continue to attend.

How do you people teach resilience?

DD2's attendance at secondary school was <50%, she has AuADHD and we ended up withdrawing her and she completed her education at online school and took GCSEs as a private candidate at an exam centre.

She started her job in September and has not missed a single shift.

It seems that something else is going on, which is not "lack of resilience". Like secondary schools not being fit for purpose and creating mental health problems for perfectly healthy, resilient, well behaved children who want to learn. She had only the odd day off for illness throughout primary school and always had good reports. She would have full on panic attacks about going to secondary school and developed anxiety and depression. She would try so hard to attend for a time and then burn out. As soon as we withdrew her from school she started to become herself again, much more mentally and physically well and her usual sunny self.

What support is in place for your child in school?

My child had school anxiety for about 6 months. Crying, screaming, refusing to go. I ensured they attended every single day, they realised there was nothing to be fearful of eventually and they got beyond it. Happy, settled, academic high achiever now.

The very worst thing to teach a child is that avoiding something that they find hard is ok.

Its a good point and I think sometimes people parrot “resilience” without engaging with what that actually means.

As a general rule instilling the idea that kids can’t opt out of school or anything else which is hard is important. Nine times out of ten a child just needs to be made to show up and get on with it.

But there are sometimes scenarios where school triggers a serious trauma response and a child can’t cope. The difference isn’t always clear. Which is where the therapist comes in.

As others have said I would lean heavily on the school for support.

I think you should work with the school. See if they can offer alternative ways of learning, eg watching videos not reading books, that might suit your DC better. And can your DC drop a couple of subjects and focus on the rest?
Skipping something they don't like is not a great approach to life and it's always harder to go back after time off.

If you let them pick and choose what days they go in now, you are sending the message that they can do what they want. Colleges do not tolerate absences in the same way schools do and your child could end up being kicked off their course.

OP, don't let anyone make you feel like a bad parent. Unless you've been through it, you can't possibly understand.

Just to add to my previous post, my DS attended a specialist college in Y11 which went well but all fell apart again when he went to mainstream college the year after. There is help out there.

I agree with this. If you project the idea that they are not strong enough and that they should avoid anxiety they will become anxious about anxiety itself.

Were they 15 at the time? Think on for a minute about the logistics of that?

DD2 was 5'7" in Y7. A couple of times (on the advice of school) we did bodily (between us) force her into school. After she ran away from home and disappeared for an hour, and the other time did that from school, we thought her safety and wellbeing came above attendance. Plus it went against every fibre of my being to force her in, it felt like abuse.

You give them opportunities to fail. They try, fail, the world doesn’t end. It’s a good lesson.

In sport, they compete and feel pressured - sometimes win, sometimes lose. It’s a good lesson.

With drama - same thing with going through the pressure of performance.

Art - the pressure of submitting work for criticism.

Are you providing them with opportunity to be subject to failure so they can grow resilience? At school there are too many opportunities to opt out. I believe a parent’s role is to seek out these chances at home.

I struggle with anxiety. I’ve missed work for big chunks because of it, and spent a lot of years on medication for it. I’ve also had school avoidant kids and a kid with a lot of absences due to physical illness. My DS14 has had quite a lot of stress at school caused by missing some important maths lessons and it’s having a major impact now. Other subjects haven’t had the same impact.

There’s been good advice above about working with the school. There is a high risk that things will get worse due to high levels of absence and getting a plan in place with school should help you all. A reduced timetable with less GSCEs seems sensible.

i find that what is therapeutic at times of acute mental illness (hiding away) can also be damaging in the medium to long term. So I have to work very carefully to find the balance. If I could, I would never leave my bedroom. But then my anxiety would be replaced with depression eventually. It’s taken me time to better identify when a break is the only realistic option, and when I need to push through. And when I take a break, I need to set limits and boundaries on this otherwise it gets harder to reengage with normal life.

I have also had to learn to anticipate and manage. So if I know there is something stressful coming up at work, I don’t schedule any social stuff until after. I build in recovery time each week, which doesn’t mean missing work or missing out with the kids (I work PT to allow this).

I wouldn’t say you are doing the wrong thing by letting him stay off, but it’s not a long-term solution, and will ultimately likely cause more problems. You need to work with school to find a level of attendance he can manage and try and stick to that. Prioritise what he attends, and set goals for him when he isn’t at school to supplement learning at home.

its not easy or straightforward, but together with school, you and your DS can get more in control
I think. Good luck.

Definitely. Those platforms are really dangerous to depressed teens as they can look at sites about depression, self harm etc and then the apps use logarithms which send them in a spiral.

Mainly by sensitively supporting your child from a young age to step out of their comfort zone. I mean that in a broad sense, not just to do with school. Life for all of us is about encountering new experiences and navigating the world.

in a situation where there is an extreme trauma response, obviously therapy, looking at different options outside mainstream school etc are appropriate. However, alongside these situations there seems to be a growing number of children who have very very low levels of resilience and are afraid of being in situations where they don’t have total control. It’s pretty worrying when you think about their long term well being. Life is full of things which we can’t control and learning acceptance of that is ultimately part of being an emotionally well adjusted adult.

The thing is your childs going to have this learning difficulty for life, she won't be able to opt out when she's in employment and finding things tough.
I'm an adult with a mild learning difficulty, what i would say is you need to build up her confidence and resilience. Teach her to advocate for herself and not be ashamed of the things she struggles with.
By missing school she's being taught that she can opt out when it gets tough. When she's in employment no one will owe her that. She will end up with low confidence on top and that's just as disempowering!

Before the meeting with the Senco, sit down with your DC, what would help them? Think like reasonable adjustments in the work place. Would dropping one or two GCSEs help and having somewhere to go to study? Do they sometimes get overwhelmed and need somewhere to go? Is there a pattern to the self harming e.g. dreading a particular subject or teacher? Would a reduced timetable help? Does the school use alternative provision? If so, you could ask and perhaps a day a week there might help. Do they have any therapy style sessions in school that your DC could access e.g. therapy dog, lego, music or art therapy etc. It does depend on the school and how supportive they are but there’s often a lot going on.

no you should not let them miss school.

Teaching resilience is all very well.

My DD in some ways could be viewed as not resilient given that at times she still struggles to cope and collapses for a few days.
However with a better perspective she is incredibly resilient as she has pushed through all her difficulties and is still trying and trying.

Kids with learning difficulties / SN are resilient every day at school when they keep trying in lessons that are too hard or fast for them, when they cope with the corridors and canteen, when they are teased / bullied by others.

It isn't about 'being a bit anxious' or worried about failing a test, it is about getting completely overwhelmed by the excessive demands that upper secondary places on them.

What doesn't break us makes us stronger. True. But some things break us.

I understand the instinct, but it won't help then learn resilience for the future. School isn't the only place with systems to follow, time to abide by, expectations to achieve.

Perhaps you could build in a "calibration day" to the month where one day they have off to recalibrate, breath, come back refreshed. Just the one so they are working towards it, and then appreciating it when it comes, then back to school again.

The more achool they do miss, the harder it is tbh. I know it's already hard but missing days means missing chunks of learning so they'll be playing catch up even more.

Yeah well, I did that. DD2 performed on stage, took tests and performed in many sports competitions, among other things before the age of 11 - experiences that would have many adults quaking in their boots at the very thought. But she could not manage secondary school. But you know what? School is not life. The rest of her life she is doing pretty well so far.