My DDad is selling my late Mum’s house to buy a new home with his fiancée. I’m struggling with resentment.

[GelatinousDynamo]

I’m feeling completely lost and I think I need some perspective from people who aren't in the middle of this. I'm sorry if this is all over the place.

My DM passed away from cancer 5 years ago. It was devastating. My DDad fell into a deep hole of depression and alcohol. I’m an only child, and for that first year, I did everything to keep him afloat. I live four hours away, but for a long time, I’d finish work on a Friday and drive the 8-hour round trip every single weekend to look after him. It put a massive strain on my own marriage and my mental health.

Eventually, he got better. He’d met an old school friend and they’ve been together a few years now. Honestly, at first, I was just relieved he was "back." I was so afraid that I'd lose him, too. But I can’t lie—it stung that I wasn't enough to "save" him, but she was.

He’s now told me he's getting married in October, which was a shock given he said he'd never marry again. But the real kicker is that he’s also told me he’s selling the family house to buy a new place with her. There's barely anything left of my mum at that house by now, and now he's selling it too.

I don't want to be "that" person who cares about inheritance, but it feels like she's just being erased.

I’ve never thought of myself as a "greedy" person. I always felt that what my parents built was theirs to enjoy. But now, seeing mum's legacy and our family home potentially being signed over to someone I barely know... If they buy this new house as Joint Tenants and he passes away first, my mum's entire life’s work and her share of that house will automatically pass to this woman, and eventually to her son.

It feels like the last physical piece of my mum is being sold off to start a "new" life that I’m barely a part of. I feel like a backup daughter who was good enough to mop up the mess, but now he’s happy, I’m an afterthought. I’m supposed to be happy for them in October, but right now I just want to cry.

How do I talk to my dad about protecting mum's legacy (and my inheritance) without sounding like I’m just waiting for him to die? Is there a way to suggest something without causing a massive family rift? My dad is not an easy person to talk to, he's always avoided unpleasant topics. And how do I get through this wedding when I feel like I’m grieving my mum all over again?

I'd have the conversation even if it's awkward. Surely between them they have enough common sense to realise they need to protect their own assets when they both have ( adult) children.

That sounds ideal. And this way the cash you give to your children, when you move, should be free of IHT (assuming you live for 7yrs + after you've given it to them).

Your DD could make a will leaving his part of the house to you, I have done this with my DC

But if they become joint tenants and hhe dies before her, the house automatically becomes the property of the other owner because of the right of survivorship rule, which overrides the part of the will where he could specify x percentage of the house goes to OP.

This would be my worst nightmare for my children and I’m sure it’s not what your mum would have wanted for you.

The case that makes me want to weep with sadness and frustration was that of the actor Linda Bellingham who married late in life, died, her husband inherited everything and her two sons got nothing. Her husband shared nothing with them, because he didn’t have to.
He saw her coming and she didn’t consider her children properly.

I called him, asked him if he thought this marriage through (as in, the implications it has legally) and if they will be making wills. I tried to ask if she will be his medical PoA now, because it's been me until now.

He told me that it's between him and her. And that it's none of my business. And that whatever he decides, he will tell me in due time. I told him that I miss mum and started crying, he said he hopes I won't make a scene at the wedding.

I wish I had done nothing, now I know. He has moved on completely. After he's already managed to throw away almost everything of hers that was in the house (he was depressed and drunk at the time, and I've forgiven him,but it still hurts). He burned her journals.

I might as well get used to the idea that my dad just wants to forget he used to have a family, mum's money will go to a stranger and that my dad will never just pick up the phone and call me first. I won't be back to this thread, but thank you everyone for being so understanding.

I honestly wouldn't go to the wedding and cut him off.

Its bloody selfish thats what it is. Id never do that to my DS. My blood comes first not someone elses child. My sons father did that (we're divorced). Ill never let my child down.

Yup. I am in my fifties, divorced, no kids of my own but three dear niblings. I want my entire estate split between the three of them. No way am I marrying again at my time of life so that a potential partner gets everything and, in turn, his kids. I know there are ways to try to prevent this, but they don't seem very watertight to me, and he could challenge a will or simply not give my niblings the valuables I want them to have, etc. Meanwhile, you can avoid all that sh&t by just not marrying or cohabiting again later in life. You can still be in a close, committed relationship.

More people should be LATS later in life, in my view. It stands for Living Apart Together. My late father and his partner lived five minutes' drive from each other (in their long-time houses that they were in when they met). They spent weekends together, Sat mornings to Monday mornings, plus every Wednesday and Weds nights. They didn't spend oodles of time and money and hassle selling up and moving in together, or upsetting all the apple carts and both estates by marrying. It was perfect. A LAT set-up is my ideal. If someone was pushing for marriage or cohabitation, they wouldn't be the right person for me.

I can see why, and I'd be tempted to do that too. But that's what the new wife would want though. So I think I'd go the kill them with kindness route.. And hopefully the dad will see sense in time, and remember blood is thicker than water.

How do you know that what the new wife wants? She may be as keen as the OP protect her assets and make sure her DS inherits what is hers.

Dear OP,

Take care and I know a bit of how you feel. It took me a very long time to get over it . My dad was so so selfish and I am over it now. He did his best I guess but his best was not great.

I have always envied people with loving kind and fair dads.

I think your feelings sound perfectly legitimate. Did he consider how you'll feel about it all? Is he accommodating your needs or prioritising you like you did to him?

It's possible he doesn't call you because he realises exactly how much a burden he was before and doesn't want to bother you anymore than he already has. Of course you were the one who got him through the terrible loss of your mother, but the role in his life his new wife will play is of course different to the role you have as his daughter. I feel like you need to try to talk to him however difficult it feels. Word it like... "I'm so happy for you that you've found x and are happy... so I feel terrible saying this, but I'm so sad that you're selling the house because it feels like all we have left of mum, and I miss her so much. I totally understand why you want to start your new life afresh, without all the memories of mum, but can you understand how I feel too?".... and depending on how he reacts to that... then tactfully broach the subject of wills. But the wills is a more touchy subject. It is his money. You could ask him something straightforward like... "have you worked out wills with x? I wouldn't want to take away her son's inheritance should she die before you... and vice versa. And it's something I feel you should have arranged before you get married... blended families make things more complicated"

@GelatinousDynamo Have you spoken to his new partner? I appreciate you don’t know her that well but I would consider speaking to her. Explain you have nothing against her or you dad marrying her but you feel he has erased your DM and has pushed you away. Explain you are concerned about the future, the implications of marrying again without protecting assets both from his and her side for her DS. You’ll get a feeling from the conversation how she responds, then you can make a call on the future.

it does sound like your dad is likely still hurting over your DM but it also sounds like he is being a selfish asshole too.

is there any other family you can talk too…..on his side I mean. Aunts or uncles?! Perhaps someone else may be a sounding board to maybe have a chat to him at least to make him realise he risks losing his daughter if he carries on being so selfish.

I would attend the wedding and wouldn’t say anything more about his will and inheritance planning. This is the best way to do what you can to protect your inheritance.

Where did it say that is what the new partner wants?
I would hate people to think like that if my husband who I married after being on my own as a widow.

Northermcharn, "blood is thicker than water", means the very opposite of what people imagine. It actually says " the blood of the battle is thicker than the blood of the womb". Going to my late FS wedding a year after my late DM died was very hard. (She was actually dieing in the hospital where I worked, because of the GP,that added a whole other level of awful) I wasn't even invited to the last wedding,6 weeks before he died, just 3rd wives 2 children as witnesses. That really hurt. I still stand by it was HIS life, his discussion. He also didn't come to my second wedding,10 years after my divorce, I suspect because of second wife.

"Blood is thicker than water" originates from ancient German literature, with the earliest known variation appearing in the 12th-century beast epic Reinhart Fuchs (Reynard the Fox) by Heinrich der Glîchezære (c. 1180) as "kin-blood is not spoiled by water". It implies that family ties are stronger than other relationships.

Origins and Evolution:
12th Century (Germany): The earliest form suggested that blood ties (kinship) cannot be erased by "water" (often interpreted as baptismal water or simply the outside world).
18th/19th Century (Scotland): The modern phrasing gained popularity through Scottish literary works, including those by Sir Walter Scott.

Misconception regarding "Covenant/Womb": Claims that the original phrase was "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" are modern inventions (1990s), with no evidence suggesting it is the original, older phrase

And the Dad / husband is being rude to his wife about it too? Unlikely. Very unlikely.

It doesn't say that - we don't know for sure.. you are right I was making an educated guess / assumption. She'd deny it of course, but the way the dad is acting, the things he has said, do lean towards the fact she's in his ear. Stories like Bellingham, Sellers and many others, show these things happen.

I am so, so sorry, OP. My dad moved on from his role as a father and grandfather after my mother's death, too. He just wasn't as interested in us anymore. I've read stories of similar too, when it's the mother who dies first. Makes me so mad when I consider that people rarely have the same trouble with their widowed mums. My dad could not understand, at all, even a tiny bit, how odd it was to have a cuckoo in the nest and that we sometimes wanted to spend time together just as a family. He said he didn't want that, and he chose her over us. You have my sympathies.

Let memories of your dear mother warm your heart xxxx

Unfortunately ive seen this happen before to a friend of mine. His dad had an Italian cafe that had been in the family years. His parents split, dad remarried and everything went to his second wife when he died. As another poster said, talk to your dad about protecting your share of inheritance.

He burned your mum's journals? I think this has been a long time coming OP.

I hope everyone who has said YABU reads that.

I think your assumption is based on nothing. OP has barely said anything about her dad’s fiancé. Also, there was no record of Lynne Frederick deliberately persuading Peter Sellars to leave everything to her in the event of his death, same with Lynda Bellingham, who wrote in her last book that was published in the year she died that she wanted her kids to support themselves.

Deluded

https://www.express.co.uk/expressyourself/138306/The-mystery-of-Sellers-millions#comments-wrapper