My DDad is selling my late Mum’s house to buy a new home with his fiancée. I’m struggling with resentment.

[GelatinousDynamo]

I’m feeling completely lost and I think I need some perspective from people who aren't in the middle of this. I'm sorry if this is all over the place.

My DM passed away from cancer 5 years ago. It was devastating. My DDad fell into a deep hole of depression and alcohol. I’m an only child, and for that first year, I did everything to keep him afloat. I live four hours away, but for a long time, I’d finish work on a Friday and drive the 8-hour round trip every single weekend to look after him. It put a massive strain on my own marriage and my mental health.

Eventually, he got better. He’d met an old school friend and they’ve been together a few years now. Honestly, at first, I was just relieved he was "back." I was so afraid that I'd lose him, too. But I can’t lie—it stung that I wasn't enough to "save" him, but she was.

He’s now told me he's getting married in October, which was a shock given he said he'd never marry again. But the real kicker is that he’s also told me he’s selling the family house to buy a new place with her. There's barely anything left of my mum at that house by now, and now he's selling it too.

I don't want to be "that" person who cares about inheritance, but it feels like she's just being erased.

I’ve never thought of myself as a "greedy" person. I always felt that what my parents built was theirs to enjoy. But now, seeing mum's legacy and our family home potentially being signed over to someone I barely know... If they buy this new house as Joint Tenants and he passes away first, my mum's entire life’s work and her share of that house will automatically pass to this woman, and eventually to her son.

It feels like the last physical piece of my mum is being sold off to start a "new" life that I’m barely a part of. I feel like a backup daughter who was good enough to mop up the mess, but now he’s happy, I’m an afterthought. I’m supposed to be happy for them in October, but right now I just want to cry.

How do I talk to my dad about protecting mum's legacy (and my inheritance) without sounding like I’m just waiting for him to die? Is there a way to suggest something without causing a massive family rift? My dad is not an easy person to talk to, he's always avoided unpleasant topics. And how do I get through this wedding when I feel like I’m grieving my mum all over again?

That’s a good way in, frame it from both the children’s perspective and ask them if they are planning to write a will.

A member of my extended family did this after his first wife died, and when he passed away it turned out he had earmarked her "share" of their joint assets for her relatives and included them in his will (they didn't have any children but she had nieces and nephews). Maybe your dad is planning to do the same, I think given the situation it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask if he has thought about it, but it depends on the relationship you have with him.

Actually @GelatinousDynamo you could talk to both of them and say something like ‘please both take advice, discuss with each other and ensure your Wills leave what you each want to those you wish, rather than doing nothing in which case the results could be nothing like you intended’. So from a ‘be careful’ perspective.

You probably did 'save' your dad, when he was at his lowest. But time has helped him heal and he is trying to be less of a burden to you. He's not replacing your mum. Could you talk to him about how he and his new wife should both protect their investment in the new property, or is he putting in significantly more? If she dies first she would probably want to ensure that her family inherits something eventually, even if they leave each other a life interest in the house.

As someone who said earlier I think it would be a good idea to speak to them both together
but it would be a good move to say to her about sorting it as if she went 1st it goes to your dad effectively cutting her son out

If she has children too then it’s a sensible conversation to have to make sure that everyone is considered in new plans / will.

You can broach it as protecting both sides - so that both parents have lifetime interests in the property to give them security and that the property is split as inheritance between both sides.

Your reaction is totally rational, it's fine. Felt the same thing with dad's girlfriend (who he hooked up with 3 months after mum passing). She threw so much of mums stuff away, all her crockery, loads of bits and bobs. Dad just watched her.

It felt like mum was fading all over again esp so soon. Your feelings are very valid and it's hard to watch a parent move on, even if you're happy for them or not. When we grow up it's 'mum and dad', not another person in the mix later down the line.

Suggest they get legal advice as she would be wise to protect her own share in a similar fashion - there's no guarantee that your dad will predecease her. That way you are looking out for her son as much as yourself so no one can accuse you of being mercenary!

so this man : threw everything from his first wife, used his daughter to nurse him back to reality and sells everything now to enjoy new life with a woman

seems he sees women just as appliance to enjoy and throw away when done with them

But I can’t lie—it stung that I wasn't enough to "save" him, but she was.

It doesn't sound as if that is the case at all. I think clearly you did save him. You did a massive amount of supporting him and that made him able to go out and start living his life again. And you are obviously an incredibly caring and devoted daughter to have done that.

I absolutely get the emotions you feel. I think it's perfectly normal. You don't sound unreasonable or greedy at all; it is totally natural to feel sad.

I think you were so busy throwing yourself into supporting your dad, you've not given yourself time to grieve your own loss.

Let me give you the point of view of a widow.

Depression is a natural and normal part of grief. For the first year your Dad struggled through this and whilst you (very admirably) visited every weekend, Mon to Fri he was alone in a house full of memories and reminders that his present and future life was changed forever, as was he.

You yourself know that the weekend visits were not good for your life, your marriage or your mental health, he would have known that too. So he pulled himself out of depression and away from the path of alcoholism probably for you, his child, and because of you.

At some point he met someone who made his present more enjoyable and made the future look worth staying alive for, someone who spent time with him not out of duty or pity but because they enjoyed his company. He then didn’t need to pressure you to visit so often and that was good for BOTH of you, and both of your mental health. You should be happy about that.

In more practical measures, your dad has made changes to the family home, but quite frankly in the last five years who hasn’t done a bit of DIY? Covid and post-Covid time saw a massive boom in house renovations and repairs. Your Dad shouldn’t have to keep his house as a shrine to his dead wife to appease anyone, it’s a home that he has to live in, he needs to be comfortable, physically and mentally there every day and yes, sometimes that means having a big clear out.

If your mum was still alive, and your mum and dad chose to sell their current home and buy a different one, would you expect to have a say in that? You may have an emotional attachment to the house you grew up in, that’s understandable, but a grown adult with their own money and (from what I gather) fully functioning mental capabilities has chosen to move house, most adult children don’t expect to have a say in where their parents choose to live.

So, in short, you’re sad that your dad’s focus is on his bride-to-be most of the time, but I’m willing to bet that more of your day-to-day time and energy is spent on your husband than your dad?

You’re sad that your dad is moving from the family home, but that could be the healthiest thing for him to do mentally; I nearly moved to a different country after my spouse died, I just NEEDED to be away from the constant reminders of the life I should have/could have had.

You’re worried about a potential loss of inheritance.

Well, life is short. You may die before your dad, your “inheritance” could be eaten up in care home fees, or if your dad had stayed sad and alone he may have spent it all on alcohol by now.

Surely you’d rather see him spend his own money in a way that makes him happy, rather than stay in his current home, changing nothing, doing nothing and drinking himself into oblivion?

By all means have a chat to your dad about your inheritance, but do try to be happy for him, his current life choices have probably saved your marriage and taken the burden of 8-hour round trip visits every weekend from your shoulders; that’s priceless. Enjoy the time with your husband instead of being sad about what your dad is spending his money on, you’re one of the lucky ones whose spouse is still alive.

Could you buy the house @GelatinousDynamo You could return it to how you remember it if you wanted to.

Good plan. Suggest they get wills so it’s some fairly and neither adult child looses out

I can see this from both sides, as a widow.

I have never felt loneliness like it, being bereaved before 50. You don't say how old your dad is but I get the feeling he still has a lot of living to do.

That said, I think it's best to have upfront discussions about wills and inheritances. My parents are divorced, and we have discussed it openly. I will also leave my children some inheritance if it isn't all used up.

But- I do think him selling the old home and buying a new one is a reasonable thing to do. I can understand not wanting to sit with the bad memories as well as the good ones, especially if your mum had a difficult time of it and he remembers all that.

I would rather my parents spend every penny on their lives in the now. That might include moving, downsizing, upsizing, moving elsewhere. It's their lives.

I don't think your feelings are wrong, though, I think they are a form of grief, probably delayed as you were holding him up. I don't know if you journal or have a therapist, I found putting mine down on paper helped enormously. I think the loss of your mum is hitting you hard now. I'm sorry.

You could actually broach it by saying ‘if she passes away first, her son would lose his inheritance to me; and vice versa… what are the two of you thinking regarding that sort of situation?’ I think it’s ok to be a bit direct. It’s also ok to say to your dad ‘I am really hurting by this’ and explain what you have written here. Maybe as reality gets closer he might have some réalisations..

You definitely did save him @GelatinousDynamo and you did a lovely lovely thing going to see him every weekend. Does he realise how hard this was for you?? Has he had any counselling? Maybe you could do some and ask him to join you for a session where you could talk about the grieving you’ve both been through and subsequent things that happened.

Im so sorry for your loss of your lovely mum. xoxox

It is very hard. When my mum died, dad initially struggled but in just over a year was in another relationship. He went from being so depressed to being totally loved up and it was hard coping with my grief when he had moved on so quickly. To make matters worse his new woman had the same name as my mum.

However, I realised that the problem here was mine. I would never have wished him to be unhappy and to crumble and fall apart- I have seen this happen as well. But it was still hard. I made this woman welcome and did the best I could. They were together for ten years.

My Dad did build in protections for us. The house was in joint names with his 50% going to us, but only when his new partner died (in the end she died first). I do think you suggest that he does this. Anyone remotely sensitive to your needs would not object to him doing this.

I get where you’re coming from OP. Maybe have a discussion with him. Your dm would not have wanted her share of the home she contributed to financially to go to someone else’s family. He could incorporate something into his will to say that should he pass before his new wife, that she can remain in the house, but on her death half of the value of his home goes to his children. I know if I died I wouldn’t want my share of the family home to potentially go to my dh’s new wife and children. I’d want it to go to my family. In fact, I have a large death in service benefit that I have marked that 50% goes to my dh, and 50% to my dc.

OP please don't think of yourself as "greedy" - as you rightly say your dad was happy to accept your help and now he's found someone else you are more than justified in wanting your share of your parents' home to be protected for you!

I just read someone saying you should be grateful your spouse is alive - WTAF?! parents bring children into the world - we owe our children our support, not the other way round. I don't think for a minute he's concerned about not burdening you. He's concerned about his new relationship. As many have also said already, talk to him about making a proper will. Whatever share he puts into the new home needs to be ring fenced for you and he needs a solicitor to do that.

I am in a similar position. I am very happy he has found somebody else, and she is really lovely, and makes him happy. But it still feels strange to see them together talking about moving in together.
As per the speaking about things, I find it tricky too. What I tend to do, is try to casually drop in the conversation that "Mary" is moving in with "George" and they have put themselves down as tenants in common, to protect themselves and their kids etc etc.

So it's telling him the same information, but instead of beibg about him, you are simply stating what other people are doing. My Dad seems to find that less confrontational, and accepts the info more easily.

OP I don't think you're unreasonable - you're still feeling the loss of your Mum - because she's your Mum, and you'll never have another one. He's grieved his wife, and is ready to move on - I can feel your pain.

The way to go about this is to talk about both his and his stb wife's situations and their DC - ie. that they should seek legal advice on wills etc, because with second families, it's a lottery as to who dies first, and to make sure the joint wealth doesn't go to just one of the families - ie. this could affect his new wife's son too - he's as much at risk of losing his inheritance.

It's hard - I could never talk to my Dad about money either - much as I adored him, he seemed to just close up at any talk like this. It would have made me feel money-grabbing to even bring it up tbh. It so happened that my DDad passed away having divorced my stepmum, and without marrying his girlfriend, so the inheritance went to all his children - but I could so easily have been in your situation.

In the meantime, can you think of anything from your old family home that was your Mum's that you can ask to keep as keepsakes? It must be heartbreaking to feel she's being erased - but try to show some understanding at your Dad moving on. A lot of men move on shockingly quickly after bereavement- I knew one widower who was planning his wedding 3 months later.

Oh this all sounds really hard. I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I can't even imagine how painful it must be to lose your mum, support your dad like that and then kind of lose a bit him too. It must feel very much like grief all over again.

I do get it, OP. My FIL has done the same thing, although he moved on the moment MIL passed. It took a while to understand that it must have been lonely in that house alone once the visits from family & friends stopped. He was much happier selling up & moving into his new wife's retirement unit. It was very hard for DH & SIL at the time. New DW has cared for him well, as he's very unwell, which has taken a lot of pressure of DH (SIL doesn't help).

However, there was a lot of upset over inheritance. MIL left her half of the house to DH & SIL. DH decided not to enact this wish, as his DF 'needed the money'. He didn't, I think it was too awkward for DH to do it & he doesn't think about why MIL did it, even though she'd been very vocal about being terrified her lifelong sacrifices would go to another woman's kids, which they will. DH admits it was a mistake. They are willed 1/3rds their SM, but tbh there won't be any left as his age care fees are assessed jointly with SM, but their finances seperate. So he'll pay a much higher rate. He'll have nothing left.

We managed by accepting DH wouldn't inherit much, or anything and removing that from our thoughts. It's a bitter pill to swallow after 10 years of being drained caring for MIL, then FIL, and it almost killing our marriage, and the money goes to SM's SKs who don't even call her, let alone visit. You just have to talk to your DF, find out the plan, and act accordingly.

Come on. What do you think her mother would have thought?

I am so sorry @Lmnop22 I missed your sensible suggestion when I responded. Please accept my apologies.

A friend of mine and her siblings had this happen in a terrible way and I was too quick to answer.