My DDad is selling my late Mum’s house to buy a new home with his fiancée. I’m struggling with resentment.

[GelatinousDynamo]

I’m feeling completely lost and I think I need some perspective from people who aren't in the middle of this. I'm sorry if this is all over the place.

My DM passed away from cancer 5 years ago. It was devastating. My DDad fell into a deep hole of depression and alcohol. I’m an only child, and for that first year, I did everything to keep him afloat. I live four hours away, but for a long time, I’d finish work on a Friday and drive the 8-hour round trip every single weekend to look after him. It put a massive strain on my own marriage and my mental health.

Eventually, he got better. He’d met an old school friend and they’ve been together a few years now. Honestly, at first, I was just relieved he was "back." I was so afraid that I'd lose him, too. But I can’t lie—it stung that I wasn't enough to "save" him, but she was.

He’s now told me he's getting married in October, which was a shock given he said he'd never marry again. But the real kicker is that he’s also told me he’s selling the family house to buy a new place with her. There's barely anything left of my mum at that house by now, and now he's selling it too.

I don't want to be "that" person who cares about inheritance, but it feels like she's just being erased.

I’ve never thought of myself as a "greedy" person. I always felt that what my parents built was theirs to enjoy. But now, seeing mum's legacy and our family home potentially being signed over to someone I barely know... If they buy this new house as Joint Tenants and he passes away first, my mum's entire life’s work and her share of that house will automatically pass to this woman, and eventually to her son.

It feels like the last physical piece of my mum is being sold off to start a "new" life that I’m barely a part of. I feel like a backup daughter who was good enough to mop up the mess, but now he’s happy, I’m an afterthought. I’m supposed to be happy for them in October, but right now I just want to cry.

How do I talk to my dad about protecting mum's legacy (and my inheritance) without sounding like I’m just waiting for him to die? Is there a way to suggest something without causing a massive family rift? My dad is not an easy person to talk to, he's always avoided unpleasant topics. And how do I get through this wedding when I feel like I’m grieving my mum all over again?

I would try and be happy for your dad, he lost his wife and grieved for her but he now has a chance to be happy and move on and enjoy a new relationship. It isn’t that you’re now an afterthought - he simply doesn’t need as much support anymore and that’s a good thing.

I would gently encourage him to be tenants in common and protect the proceeds of sale of your parents’ home in the property purchase so that your inheritance is protected even if she gets a lifelong right to live in the home or similar - this protects all the people your Dad loves

I mean this really kindly, and recognise it’s hard to keep perspective when you’re grieving.

Your mum was a bundle of life, what was special about her was her personality, and all the things she did with you. It wasn’t the walls and ceiling she lived between for part of her life.

Your relationship with your father should be that of father / daughter. That’s a very different relationship to adult partners. Neither is more or less important than the other, but one is not a substitute for the other.

Could you perhaps broach this by asking him if he is aware that this new marriage will invalidate any will he had made before and has he made arrangements for makings a new one?

I absolutely see why you would feel upset that his new wife might inherit everything including your mother's share. But of course there is nothing you can do to influence what he decides.

I feel like all you can be direct. Reccomend that they see a solicitor to make sure both of them are protected and how to make sure everyones share goes to their own children. Not to be argumentative but informative so if he decided that everything goes to his wife, it will at least be an informed decision and not assume anything.

My parents are very open about inheritance and their plans. Your dad might be happy to talk about it. My FIL has made a decision to leave everything to his wife so at least my bf is aware and not suprised when the time comes so I can also appreciate that information being available.

I also feel like you should talk to someone about your feelings about this. That is understandably a strong reaction but you talking about how you were not enough to save him is very unhealthy.

Oh I can imagine how you might feel. We have protected our property so that our children inherit if either of us die. There is no way I want any of my money going to a second family.

Two examples convinced me to do this, one was my brother who spent inheritance on renovating his home, they divorced and she kept the home on the understanding it was for the children to inherit. She went bankrupt and everything was gone. The other scenario was a friend who moved into her new partners home, he gave her a lifetime right to live in it, he died, she has moved a new man in and his children are unable to access anything until she dies.

Hopefully your DS will protect your inheritance in this situation, if not your mothers memory.

Were you hoping to live there one day? If so, it isn't unreasonable to talk about it, and take, with his blessing, certain momentos, or maybe even parts of the fittings that were special, eg lamps your mum chose with you, a garden set you all used together. That isn't being greedy, if they are genuinely meaningful to you. And you did help him a lot-it's not as if you have abandoned him and are only looking for money.

We're in the same boat and have come to realise over the years there's is nothing we can do about it. We have accepted that FIL's wife is his priority now. They've been together 15 years, which is a long time and she is currently nursing him through dementia. I understand this is all very painful, but you have to let it go or it could end up destroying your relationship with your dad.

There's barely anything left of her in the house by now, he destroyed or threw away most of her things in those first months. I've saved a few keepsakes.

I now that my reaction to it all is not rational. I feel awful that I can't be happy for him.

But I can’t lie—it stung that I wasn't enough to "save" him, but she was.

But maybe you did save him. You kept him going long enough that he was able to put himself back together to be able to love again. You don't know where he'd be without that - he might never have got that far. However I get that it must feel like he isn't repaying your kindness and support towards him right now.

I think you should educate yourself on inheritance law and then have a straight conversation where you simply share the facts and ask for what you want. Try to leave the emotions out of it - it's not fair to expect him to stay in the family home forever or for it to remain as a monument to your mum, that can't happen in the long term, hard as it is.

I don't know how to talk to him about it. He’s the type to see me questioning him as an inconvenience or an attack.

This- and If they buy this new house as Joint Tenants and he passes away first, my mum's entire life’s work and her share of that house will automatically pass to this woman, and eventually to her son
and if she dies before him, you’ll inherit all of hers rather than her son?

Just wanted to say you are definitely not BU, I would feel exactly the same in your situation, and you sound like a lovely daughter. Hope you get some useful advice here.

As @Decorhate says any will is invalid once he marries again so I would use that as an opener to ask if he has spoken to a solicitor about any new will and making sure his wishes re passing anything down to you or your children is covered. Plus her side too, protecting her children for whatever she brings into the relationship. That way you are seen as being fair.

Dh and I both lost our Mums to cancer in their early 60s. My Dad is mid 80s now and has never, ever shown any interest in anyone else. My FIL, early 80s however has dated several women some of whom have been very serious. This and having a couple of friends die in their 40s made us see a solicitor and talk it all through.

When Dh and I did our will we changed to tenants in common from joint tenants so that if one of us dies 50% goes to the children with stipulations so that they cannot force the remaining parent out of the house. It therefore protects at least half from going to any new married partner.

Also just remind him how much you care about him, that you did visit every weekend after your Mum died.

Hello OP and you have every right to be worried. I am that step daughter.

My step father passed away and left his daughter (first marriage) something in his will but did not have a specific ISA or account made that contained the proceeds from the gift in his will. My mother ignored his will and kept everything. She has named her step daughter in her own will but care home fees are going to take everything. I actually fell out with her over this as I felt she was being a b and a c to her step daughter.

I don’t know what to suggest. The only thing to do in my eyes is to fight it now or assume that you won’t get anything at the end. And for the record, it isn’t abut the money. It’s about the principle.

Thank you. I don't think he really remembers what happened back then. Or he doesn't want to remember.

@GelatinousDynamo could you phrase it by asking first if he remembers when you used to come every weekend? And say, him getting married again has raked it all up and you have questions (true). Then take it from there?

But I am an afterthought now. He never calls me, I always have to reach out first.

OP, my DM died over 30 years ago and my DF remarried a few years after. My situation is slightly different in that he moved into my DSM’s house, but it is hard when your family home is sold. My DM worked so hard to buy that house and was enjoying doing it up when she became ill. She never got to see it finished.

My DF’s wedding was held abroad very quietly so there was no invite. They wanted to do it that way - and I think it was done very sensitively. Your post has just made me wonder how I would have felt if I’d attended their ceremony. DF has not discussed his will with DB or me - we have no idea what his plans are.

My DF is not well now and my DSM is looking after him very well. Both DB and I are very grateful. She has been a wonderful granny to our DC, although yes, it is hard that DM never knew any of her DGC. We are made very welcome at her house and, decades on, I see their relationship in very positive terms.

I have one very special piece of furniture that was my DM’s, as well as cutlery and china, some artwork she did, and her jewellery. I would ask for some special items, and try to come to terms with your DF’s new relationship.

I'm sorry that you're struggling - it's not easy, and the way grief bubbles up can be so sporadic and random. I think you have to talk to him directly - but you could phrase it as concern for her son - 'have you both discussed making wills to protect your own assets? If you marry and then she dies first, I would get everything and her son would get nothing!' You can arrange 'lifetime right to live in a property' so if he's worried about his new wife, you could suggest that (so she can live there whilst alive but ultimately you still inherit, which I'm sure your mum would have wanted).

It's hard, you're not being greedy, it's a very rational way to be feeling when you've lost your lovely mum.

Big hugs to you. You're not being greedy but your dad might not understand how much the family home means to you. TELL him!!

You DID keep him going. You WERE enough. You did SAVE him. His new lady owes you a huge debt for helping him go through that time.

So let him know. Tell your dad how much HE matters to you. Tell him how much your mother's memory/legacy matters. Remind him of how you came up every weekend to be with him. People are human; they need reminders. If he was poleaxed by grief, whilst he appreciated your help every weekend, he may not have comprehended the difference it made for him.

Talk to him about how to continue your mother's memory/legacy for you. Don't just sit by, anguishing. Also, get to know his new lady; involve her in your life; explain how rock bottom your dad was and engage her.

Ou feelings after a parent dies and the surviving parent moves on are difficult I think. I found it difficult when my father started a relationship after my mother died. At the time the widow/widower is treated as the major bereaved, but actually romantic partnerships are often replaced but no one can ever even partly fill the gap left by the loss of a parent.
Luckily in our family the possibility of a surviving spouse moving on and all the assets ending up with the new partner was all out in the open as it happened to my mother after her own mother died. There wasn’t a lot of money but she didn’t have so much as a vase or a bit of jewellery from her mother’s possessions. I don’t think any loving parent would want that to happen and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say “you are buying a property as tenants in common I assume”, and if he says he hasn’t thought about it, “well do you feel ok about Jane’s son getting mums share of your assets if you die first?” It’s not difficult to protect against and the new wife really has no justification for objecting.

If your father passed away still a widow and you inherited the house... would you live there?

I can 100pc empathise with you OP and my heart goes out to you.
One step at a time. You were obviously a wonderful daughter to your mum.
I don't have any solutions to the situation you are in, other than to take care of yourself and don't say anything in the heat of the moment.
I do think that you should have a conversation with your dad at some point about protecting your mum's legacy with your inheritance. That isn't being grabby in any way at all, it's simply honoring your mum's legacy. Take care of yourself OP, you are dealing with a cocktail of emotions.

I didn't think about that. Maybe I should speak to her instead.

Surely they will both think about and discuss this, because if the fiancee passes first it will all pass to your dad and then you and her son would lose out. Surely theyl have the sense to make new wills.