My DDad is selling my late Mum’s house to buy a new home with his fiancée. I’m struggling with resentment.

[GelatinousDynamo]

I’m feeling completely lost and I think I need some perspective from people who aren't in the middle of this. I'm sorry if this is all over the place.

My DM passed away from cancer 5 years ago. It was devastating. My DDad fell into a deep hole of depression and alcohol. I’m an only child, and for that first year, I did everything to keep him afloat. I live four hours away, but for a long time, I’d finish work on a Friday and drive the 8-hour round trip every single weekend to look after him. It put a massive strain on my own marriage and my mental health.

Eventually, he got better. He’d met an old school friend and they’ve been together a few years now. Honestly, at first, I was just relieved he was "back." I was so afraid that I'd lose him, too. But I can’t lie—it stung that I wasn't enough to "save" him, but she was.

He’s now told me he's getting married in October, which was a shock given he said he'd never marry again. But the real kicker is that he’s also told me he’s selling the family house to buy a new place with her. There's barely anything left of my mum at that house by now, and now he's selling it too.

I don't want to be "that" person who cares about inheritance, but it feels like she's just being erased.

I’ve never thought of myself as a "greedy" person. I always felt that what my parents built was theirs to enjoy. But now, seeing mum's legacy and our family home potentially being signed over to someone I barely know... If they buy this new house as Joint Tenants and he passes away first, my mum's entire life’s work and her share of that house will automatically pass to this woman, and eventually to her son.

It feels like the last physical piece of my mum is being sold off to start a "new" life that I’m barely a part of. I feel like a backup daughter who was good enough to mop up the mess, but now he’s happy, I’m an afterthought. I’m supposed to be happy for them in October, but right now I just want to cry.

How do I talk to my dad about protecting mum's legacy (and my inheritance) without sounding like I’m just waiting for him to die? Is there a way to suggest something without causing a massive family rift? My dad is not an easy person to talk to, he's always avoided unpleasant topics. And how do I get through this wedding when I feel like I’m grieving my mum all over again?

My dad remarried late in life. They made sure that their wills meant money went to their own families - they even divorced under French law to protect each other. (She was French.) I got nothing from her will, her sons got nothing from dad's. They made each other very happy during their last years after they had both had partners die from cancer after protracted and painful illnesses.

OP I really sympathise with what you're going through. My MIL died and FIL erased her. All her things were disposed of, he redecorated and took up with a friend of theirs, who was wrapped up in her own family and she had no interest in his. DH and his sister went from being a close knit family to effectively parentless in a few months. FIL sold his house, moved in with his new wife and spent most of his money doing her house up. It was made clear that her children would inherit and DH and SIL would get nothing.
DH resigned himself to it but SIL was very bitter, understandably. They wanted their dad to be happy but the way he did it was unforgivable.
No help I'm afraid OP but just letting you know you aren't alone.

I'm sorry for your loss
It sounds like you need to have two completly separate conversations with your dad

1. Telling him that you love him and that you're happy he's found a way forward after your mum's death. You very much want the best for him and want him to be happy, but there's a small part of you that finds him getting married again very difficult because it reminds you what you've lost.
2. A conversation where you ask him to think about what he wants to happen to his money on his death. This isn't a grubby money hungry conversation on your part. This is a sensible grown up conversation where you're prompting him to think about what he wants to happen when he's gone. And suggesting that he has a conversation with a solicitor about it. You can tell him that any previous will he's made is void when he gets married again. And If he dies without making a new will after getting married, all his money will go to his wife if he dies before her. Also ask if he wants to think about estate planning either for inheritance tax or preventing the full value of his new house being eaten up in care costs should he/new wife need care in their old age. You could start the conversation by saying that you've been thinking about your will and wondered if he had thought about his, given that he's making a big change to his circumstances by getting married again

Is the new women putting anything in to buying
or is it all your dad money

If they are both putting in the to the house
then I would play it as you should both own it 50 -50
with each half being left to you / her son
in a lifetime interest trust which means they can stay there
the house can be sold and the trust simply moves over to the next house

it’s will also mean that at least 50 percent of the house is protected if one of them dies
and the other one lives then if being assessed for care home fees it can only be assessed on their 50 percent of the house

Would it help to think of what your mum would have wanted and would have appreciated?

Would she have appreciated and been proud of you caring for your dad? Would she have been relieved he found someone else and wasn’t a long lasting burden on you?

Ive just buried my mother, 5th March

She lived with us these past 20 years. We bought the house especially to house both her and her husband

She had three personal rooms, which Im now having to deal with so we can reconfigure the house and make it our home

I can tell you, to dispose of a parents personal belongings does not come easy

I can do just a couple of hours a week, its heartbreaking to realise that most of her belongings are ending up in landfill because I have no need, and not even the charity shops want half of it

Im sharing this because Im sure your dad never rushed to get her belongings gone.I do understand that a lot went during those first few months when he was under the influence, my dad destroyed everything of my mums when she left him . Going through mums belongings now I have one desk tray of papers, photos etc from my childhood saved

Mum benefitted from her late husband. Now Im dealing with her estate, Im in touch with his daughter - I cant repay any cash mum benefitted from, because I have no idea, he died intestate as he had written over his will but never had it rewritten and co signed , so mum copped the lot But I can repatriate any personnel belongings that he took to the marriage . His daughter said that when he died mum did give a lot over, but there's still a lot here

It must have enraged her to see it going to my mum, and therefore me and I carry a lot of guilt , it doesnt feel fair or honest

Difficult conversation needs to be had. Your dad needs to know about inheritance law and if he wants to make provision for you and any siblings, GC, - a will needs to be written

"Blended families " are a complete nightmare tbh when it comes to inheritance. My mums previous will, which she changed about 2 years ago, stated "BLOOD relatives only to inherit. Yet it was my step children and step grandchildren that were part of her life , her own having disowned her years previously - not even attempting to make a visit whilst in hospital or attending the funeral

Speaking as a widow I agree with @WelshRabBite and @Corvidsarethebest Feelings are valid, they are not controllable and its impossible not to feel what you feel but you really can't expect your father to make the choices that you would like him to. I honestly don't know if it would be a good idea to talk to them about wills...possibly not unless you can do it without showing how you feel.
To me, clearing out my beloved husband's possessions was a part of the moving on process and its honestly essential to move on. Certain items I cleared out really quickly because I just could not bear to look at them.
I agree with the others who said that you got your Dad out of the pit and that is no small thing....but he has to move on from continuing to need you because you have your own life to lead and there is no way that a daughter can fulfil the role of a wife.

My husband was in a similar situation. I think if they haven’t brought it up, you can initiate the conversation from the perspective of both you AND her son - after all if she goes first you get his inheritance too. Are you in any way able to get her son on side for the conversation??

This is good advice. Sit with your Father, his new partner and her son, and discuss. I wish we'd done this with my Father, whose partner and adult children literally conspired to take everything. And they won. Long story, but an open discussion at the beginning will at least give you an idea of how everyone is thinking about it.

I would definitely NOT tell him (or even suggest to him) what he should be doing with what is his own. I would go no further (if I had any conversation at all) than to remind him that they both need to make wills to ensure that their wishes are followed.

I think you need to try and separate the issues out in your head a bit

1. selling "your mum's house". This was also his house and there might always have been a time when he would want to move away, downsize etc. It is sad when your family home is sold but it is also completely normal. Most families outside the aristocracy do not continue to live in the same bricks and mortar building for generations.

2. he makes little effort to initiate contact and you feel unwanted and/or unappreciated after helping him so much in the first year
   I think you need to park what you did the first year - that doesn't mean he owes you something now.
   However, it is totally reasonable to be upset that he appears to put little effort into your relationship. This is not an excuse but it is quite common for men to do this - I suspect your mother facilitated your relationship with him a lot.
   He probably won't change on this point sadly. It will be entrenched. So my advice is accept what you can't change and keep picking up the phone every week/fortnight or whatever you seem reasonable and keep it going.

3. the inheritance point. This is reasonable. It's not grabby or whatever some people will tell you here. Your mother contributed to his wealth.
   It's an awkward topic and given his way of dealing with things, I think it might be better to put in writing so he can digest it with time. You should point out that both parties have children to protect. Get someone else (or a couple of people ideally) you trust to read it first to advise on tone.

@GelatinousDynamo - not RTFT but my mum had a second marriage after divorcing my dad in her 50s. She and my stepdad owned their house as joint tenants and made mirror wills so that when the first person died, the house would pass to the survivor and on the death of the survivor the survivor’s estate would be shared equally between the 3 children (my sister, my stepbrother and me), with some bequests to the grandchildren also. Very sadly, they have both now died. My mum died first; my stepdad died nearly a decade later. The house became part of his estate.

Really really feel for you. You have every right to feel upset. My MIL died and my FIL went off on holiday 3 months later with a lady who he then moved her into his house and married her 1 year later. FIL cleared all her clothes out within a week of her dying. FIL has since died and step MIL still living in the house 25 years later. Step MIL sold her house and gave the money to her kids.

I guess you could talk to your DF and ask if he’d consider buying the home as tenants in common with the condition the surviving partner can live in the house until their death.

Ask him if he will buy as tenants in common and leave yiur mum's share to you, giving new wife a lifetime tenancy/until she cohabits/remarries.

I expect your dad and his new wife have already thought about a will and have done one to protect their own assets so they go to each of their
children but just have not told you but should have done.

OP you can’t really expect your DH to remain single the rest of his like if he doesn’t want to so you can inherit the house?

I'm sorry op, I don't have any advice. I will say though that it can be healthy for a couple to start fresh in a new house, rather than one that belonged to a prior partner. I hope that doesn't sound harsh.

I know someone who married a divorced man (I know your dad wasn't divorced, but still) and it was as mistake to have her move into the house he used to share with his first wife, they eventually bought a different house.

I'm sorry that your dad is distant and hard to talk to.

I would haunt anyone who deprived my children of their inheritance that I worked all my life for. OP YANBU but people on MN think it's grabby to talk of such things.

That’s a stretch!

You need to be direct. If he doesn’t protect you in the will, and you’ve said he makes very little effort to contact you now, at least then you know that if he gets sick or needs help in future you don’t need to feel obligated to help. His new wife can sort it out.

Following her divorce, my mother moved into her partner's house. They're not married and neither of them has a will. If he dies first, his kids will kick her out within weeks and she'll end up living with me.

Of course I've told her they need to make wills, but they don't want to spend the time and money, or admit they're actually mortal. Sadly it sounds like the OP's dad may have a similar mindset, in which case she needs to start coming to terms with the fact her parents' estate is probably lost to her.

is it though? he threw all his first wife stuff, took what he could from his daughter as a moral support when was depressed, does not call now at all and now is all about him just because he has a new wife

Ohh so tough OP, but if your dad is happy surely this is better than constantly worrying about him? Try to be happy for him. I woukd talk to him about protecting assets in the marriage. It could go in either direction, so best for both of them.