My DDad is selling my late Mum’s house to buy a new home with his fiancée. I’m struggling with resentment.

[GelatinousDynamo]

I’m feeling completely lost and I think I need some perspective from people who aren't in the middle of this. I'm sorry if this is all over the place.

My DM passed away from cancer 5 years ago. It was devastating. My DDad fell into a deep hole of depression and alcohol. I’m an only child, and for that first year, I did everything to keep him afloat. I live four hours away, but for a long time, I’d finish work on a Friday and drive the 8-hour round trip every single weekend to look after him. It put a massive strain on my own marriage and my mental health.

Eventually, he got better. He’d met an old school friend and they’ve been together a few years now. Honestly, at first, I was just relieved he was "back." I was so afraid that I'd lose him, too. But I can’t lie—it stung that I wasn't enough to "save" him, but she was.

He’s now told me he's getting married in October, which was a shock given he said he'd never marry again. But the real kicker is that he’s also told me he’s selling the family house to buy a new place with her. There's barely anything left of my mum at that house by now, and now he's selling it too.

I don't want to be "that" person who cares about inheritance, but it feels like she's just being erased.

I’ve never thought of myself as a "greedy" person. I always felt that what my parents built was theirs to enjoy. But now, seeing mum's legacy and our family home potentially being signed over to someone I barely know... If they buy this new house as Joint Tenants and he passes away first, my mum's entire life’s work and her share of that house will automatically pass to this woman, and eventually to her son.

It feels like the last physical piece of my mum is being sold off to start a "new" life that I’m barely a part of. I feel like a backup daughter who was good enough to mop up the mess, but now he’s happy, I’m an afterthought. I’m supposed to be happy for them in October, but right now I just want to cry.

How do I talk to my dad about protecting mum's legacy (and my inheritance) without sounding like I’m just waiting for him to die? Is there a way to suggest something without causing a massive family rift? My dad is not an easy person to talk to, he's always avoided unpleasant topics. And how do I get through this wedding when I feel like I’m grieving my mum all over again?

OP I presume you know in England and Wales a marriage cancelled any previous Will so your DF will need a new one.

I’d be really upset OP. You lose one parent, the other one falls to bits then recovers only to skip off with a new GF & your family home.

Nice. You must feel like you haven’t got anyone there for you. Scary.

Philip Larkin said it’s a problem never getting enough from your parents but the real problem is that you keep going back to find it. You do know what you want isn’t there, don’t you.

Given your DF is a difficult man, take your time about tackling this.

Check who the house belongs to now and what you want re inheritance. Not grabby. Then tackle him and remind him what you did for your father. I’d tell
him how you feel vulnerable - if you can do
that safely.

Ignore unsympathetic posters - numpties love an inheritance thread.

Oh God. Why do senior widowers with children and grandchildren so often have to do this? Friends of mine have had awful trouble with their widowed dads, whether it's getting engaged to women they hardly know; giving the woman their mothers' jewellery even after asking permission of their daughters and being told no; or not addressing the thorny question of inheritance.

Normally, the deceased mothers would never have wanted the marital estate to pass to a new woman and her children. Marriage at this age is nothing but an estate-complicator, not to mention putting medical decisions regarding the beloved dads in the hands of a newcomer.

When someone dating a senior widow or widower wants marriage, I find it highly suspicious. There is NO reason why they can't just date, as my late dad did with his companion. They remained in their own houses, five minutes; drive apart, and did the LAT thing. Living Apart Together.

Anyone Johnny-come-lately who is OK with marrying a vulnerable widower and thus taking their mother's estate away from his family is not acting ethically, in my book. If I ever date a widower and he had a family, I would be making it very clear to them that I was not up for marriage and all I want is the pleasure of their dad's company.

One of the problem widowers I know was planning to get married at age 87 when his adult kids didn't even know he was dating. He just sprung it on them. "Surprise! I'm getting married!" Well, they managed to get him to ask her to wait six months, and that finished the relationship. He's a wealthy retired dentist with a huge house in a posh leafy village, and she was ten years younger. No prizes for guessing what SHE was after, given she wouldn't even wait six months. No excuse - they lived five minutes' walk from each other! What would marriage have given them that just spending lots of time together couldn't? Oh, wait...

OP, you have my deepest sympathies. It was very hard to see my late dad with someone else, although I did want him to have someone. But thanks to the way he handled things, it never felt like we were a family again after my mum died. There was this interloper around. When I say she felt like an interloper, that's not really her fault, it was my dad's. He insisted that she be there during every second of our family time, which meant that we could not grieve together or share memories of our mum, or even talk about her really. The relationship and her constant presence put a hard stop to any family bonding in the years after her death and shut down any group talk of my mother forever. We all had to grieve separately. And my dad seemed less interested in being a dad and only wanted to be around her. There was a kind of desperate quality about it; he became obsessed with her. Anyway, those years were really hard, even without them marrying, so I have a lot of compassion for you.

Basically, IME widowers often create havoc for their families with the way they move on so quickly, are so often totally insensitive to their adult childrens' grief, want to move on lock, stock and barrel - like selling the house. Widows cause this kind of trouble much less.

I have no solution for you, OP. Many men simply refuse to get along without their nanny/mummy/nurse/cook figure. I just wanted to say that you're not alone in dealing with the challenging behaviour of a widowed dad.

This is exactly why we bought our house as tenants in common. I believe my husband is one of the good ones and wouldn't effectively disinherit our children if I died, but no one can be entirely sure.

I felt a bit embarrassed raising this with our solicitor when we were buying, but she very cheerfully told me it was the right thing to do and was so common that she and her fellow solicitors refer to it as "the floozy clause."

It rarely happens that a mother will remarry and disinherit her children, but men often do. It's worth every woman making sure they are at least able to leave their half of the house to their children when they die.

You're not unreasonable at all, OP. I would make sure that your father was aware in advance of the possible ramifications. After that, there's not much you can do.

Floozy clause!!! 🤭🤣🤣🤣

That's really tough @GelatinousDynamo, I get it.

Ultimately there's fuck-all you can do, it's well-known that a great many men men move on pretty quickly after the death of a spouse. As a daughter, particularly an only child this is a very fucking bitter pill to swallow.

All you can do, is look after yourself, he is, you need to as well.

I'd be looking for a good therapist to work this through with, centre yourself, understand this isn't a rejection, more a limited person grabbing something for themselves and not thinking about the implications.

How can anyone do that!!! If I dated a widower, I would NEVER do that! But then, I would never push my way into a family in the first place. I'd be a LAT, which would mean continuing to live apart.

Maybe he feels bad about leaning on you before and is overdoing the independence thing so that you don't worry about him or feel he's a burden.

What’s your relationship like with her? How is she to talk to? Not because it’s a woman’s job to sort stuff out, but if she’s a reasonable sort and has a vested interest (ie has a son) then having a conversation out in the open with both of them might be an option. “Hi both, I’m so pleased for you and looking forward to the wedding (a white lie doesn’t hurt). I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way, but I wanted to check as a second marriage you’re both aware Wills will become invalid, and with buying a new house together - which is lovely for a fresh start - that your individual interests might not be protected if you don’t get good legal advice. I’m not telling anyone what to do, I just don’t want anyone caught unawares later down the line.”
Doing it in front of the fiancée hopefully shows you aren’t trying to “steal” anything from her, which your dad might think is the case if you
approach him on the side, and might cause him to react badly in a skewed sense of loyalty.

It must have enraged her to see it going to my mum, and therefore me and I carry a lot of guilt , it doesnt feel fair or honest

So why can't you just give her half? You can get the will changed in court so that she won't have to pay tax like she would if it was a gift. Usually it's hard to get wills changed, but when it's to benefit the child of one of the parties, it would usually be granted. In fact, she would have grounds to apply for something from the estate, I think.

OP, much empathy.
my f died and his third wife left almost everything to her daughters. We got so little.
It is very common for a strep mother to leave everything to her own children. There is almost no way to broach this subject with a naive man.
I agree. Get a therapist and ask him now for anything of your mum’s that you would really cherish.
It’s so so painful but at least it’s very very common - you are not alone.

All I can say is, IME, widowers of a certain age are ass+oles!

If I ever hear about a man who arranges his affairs fairly for his children without depending on the stepmother’s worthless promises. I think - There is a truly wise and grown up man.

Of course you are right, you should have something of your mum's passed down to you.
Unfortunately, I think your father needs you to be direct.
Spell it out out for him. If he doesn't listen, then at least you've tried.

I understand some of your feelings. My mum also died 5 years ago (suddenly) and my dad was utterly bereft (as we all were). I too moved in for a few months just so I could help get him back on his feet and it was actually comfort for both of us.

He remarried 3 years later. They didn’t sell up but his new wife moved into the family home and (rightly so) had licence to make it her own. She was very sensitive in how she handled it (she’s a very nice lady) but it felt like the last pieces of my mum were being slowly erased. Also just the thought of there no longer really being a family home, left me feeling quite adrift. There wasn’t an inheritance issue to deal with but I do understand the complex feelings that it digs up. So I think you’re dealing with multiple issues - the grief that it kicks up and then that’s complicated by the potential issues related to inheritance.

As others have said, if you have a good relationship with him, I think you can just ask. Explain your feelings. If your dad decides to leave his share of the new house to his new wife, that’s of course his right but he needs to get proper legal advice and then at least there’s no surprises or squabbles one day when he dies. There’s lots of alternatives but I think you can gently ask the question.

Also, although it sounds trite, it really is true that your mum’s memory doesn’t live in that house (even though it feels like it does). It lives in you and how you remember her. I did lots of things which have helped ‘anchor me’ including creating a little photo timeline of my mum’s life in the study in my home - a few baby, teen and adult photos on the wall. I’ve also got a few of her things in my home (that I really liked), some serving dishes and the ‘special cutlery’. And I’ve also got some of her jewelry. None of these things are ‘her’ but when I felt like she was disappearing, they helped to orient me.

Youre going through a very complex thing and you shouldn’t feel guilt about that.

In terms of how you frame the conversation, I think you could ask if he’s had legal advice - for example, if his wife was to die first, would her share of the house have to be sold? Is there any provision for him to live there till he dies? Has he looked into all of that? And then ask if the reverse is true - make it clear you’re not chasing an inheritance and he can do whatever he likes with his own money but you’d like to know, simply because you don’t want there to be any conflict one day when he passes.

It is completely morally unjust and unfair. This is typical male behaviour and he won't be thinking of your interests. It is sickening that the law will be on that womans side. Incidentally in a lot of European countries the law is very strict and family assets must be passed down to the children regardless of a remarriage. Sadly that is not the case in the UK and your only hope is making your father see sense.

Im surprised nothing was sorted when your DM was poorly. Relatives had a similar situation, but it was DF who had the cancer which they knew would be terminal. They had it drawn up that property was shared equally between the DM and the 2 children so if DM married then tge children didn't lose what their dad had set up for them. I can remember thinking it was weird, surely their DM would ensure that wouldnt happen regardless, but I know of at least 4 families where uour situation is happening.
I think uou need to have an honest conversation with your dad about what uour DM would have expected/plans for the future.
I wouldnt be worried you 'couldn't save him ' but she could, the relationship between a child/parent is different between adult/partner and it doesn't mean he thinks more of her, its just different, not comparable.

leave his share of the new house to his new wife, that’s of course his right

In law perhaps, but not morally.

What an incredibly sensible, kind response.

I understand what you’re saying but I don’t personally think I have a moral right to my dad’s money. Just as I’m also under no moral obligation to leave my own house to someone specific. I think it’s important to be clear up front about your plans but I don’t believe anyone has a moral claim to anyone else’s funds. Just my perspective though I accept others see it differently!

I really think you need to speak to your dad, he needs to understand why this would be so devastating for you, and he needs to protect inheritance for your mum for you. It’s an no brainer, any woman worth her
salt in the new relationship with him would agree.

Is she also selling a house?
I'm a widow who remarried. No kids. I'm still in the original house. Still have photos up of my first husband.

You looked after your dad as much as you could at the weekends but please don't underestimate how hard it is for someone who is widowed when the door closes every evening.
Maybe talk to both of them together. Suggest they buy as tenants in common. Broach it from the subject of care home fees if it makes it easier

I think you can suggest the house is bought as tenants in common as both partners have children.
You mention your situation but the fiancee is in exactly the same boat.
As joint tenants, if she was to die first then everything would pass to your father & quite probably onto you, depriving her son of her assets.
I think it’s better your parents’ marital home is being sold rather than the fiancée moving in. The memories of your mother are still linked to the house & it could feel like she’s been consigned to history.
I can understand that you are upset that your father no longer wants your support however try to think of this as a fresh start. You were his carer. Now you can go back to being his daughter.

Has he made a will?

You come across as sensitive and empathetic but I’m not sure trying to talk to him would be wise after reading one of your replies in which you guessed how he would react. You know him, we don’t. There isn’t a ‘easy’ way into these kind of conversations. You risk bring disinherited, and the relationship fracturing. In the future she could also terminate the joint tenancy, if they do go for that. On balance I would say talk to him and her (how do you think she’d react?).

Having been in a slightly similar situation I would recommend having some counselling and having the conversation after the therapy has ended.

no. DO NOT make suggestions about what he should do with what he owns.