AIBU to think our neighbours are singling us out as foreigners?

[BloodyForeignerNeighbour]

Me and my husband have been living in the UK for more than 10 years. I am Eastern European and he is (white) American. We have left London and bought a house in the south east a few years ago. Back in London we used to live on a nice street of terraces with many international families. We never felt out of place there and made an effort to be friendly with our neighbours.

The current house is in a little close of about 10 detached houses and bungalows. Most owners are very elderly (we didn't know it before we moved). Naturally we don't have very much in common with them but we are nice and polite. I have noticed that a few of our new neighbours prefer to talk to my husband, even though I am normally the more social one, and work from home way more than him. Our next door neighbour didn't even know my name until last year. I have a gut feeling that she is uncomfortable to address me, but she got along quite well with my husband who helped her with a few things.

The close is ruled by John, a middle aged ex-forces man in one of the bungalows. He is a type I would not be surprised to find supervising a Raise the Colours operation on one of the roundabouts on the weekends, not that I actually spotted him, so this stereotype might be on me. When there is a problem, like a sewage blockage or an unfamiliar car parked in the close the elderly neighbours ask John for help. He is a bit like a proud rooster protecting his flock of hapless frail hens.

John sends us Christmas cards, but he dislikes us. We replaced a rotten down trellis in our front garden with a slightly bigger one when we moved in and John complained to the council that the new trellis destroys the character of the close (this was disclosed by another neighbour). He has complained to the dog warden that our dog is straying when he accidentally got out of the door and hung around the entrance to get back in. We never confronted him directly about these things because they came to nothing. We hoped he will eventually calm down on his own.

Two weeks ago, when away for Easter we have spotted John and our next door neighbour (an 85 year old widow who rarely leaves her house) through our ring camera, standing in our carport and inspecting the party wall, in animated conversation. We asked what's the matter and John told us that "we are ok, have nothing to worry about". They quickly walked away.

A few days later we received a very officially worded formal letter accusing us of attaching a water pipe to the party wall without asking permission, which has caused cracks in the neighbours house. We were requested to pay for damages and arrange for structural inspection within strict timelines.

We did not attach anything, the pipe was there for the last 10 years, and it is easy to prove if it came to it. Our issue is with the shocking hostility and invasion of our privacy.

I feel very put out that this really normally quite proper and nice old lady who gave our kids Easter eggs a week before and asked us to roll out her rubbish bins on collection day felt emboldened to stride right into our carport when we were away without asking permission and then accuse us out of the blue of tampering with her wall, without even attempting to talk to us first. I cannot imagine how she would react if I was doing it in her carport. It destroyed my Friday morning and I am fuming.

AIBU to feel like we are being singled out and targeted (presumably as foreigners) or is this a typical curtain twitching and low level neighbour to neighbour aggression? And if the former what can we do?

Xenophobia is possible. Racism isn’t as you’re all white…

This, they are everywhere. Kill them with kindness.

Oh come on. This is ridiculous advice. The OP won't know if the dog incident was even this man nor the trellis others than on someone else's word.

And looking at a party wall for damage, obviously not an issue.

We had a similar issue at our old house, infact it's why we left, but we're white British, so not xenophobia, just our neighbour thought he was king of the walk because they had been in their house since it was first built. Also, he was a retired police detective, used to being deferred to by everyone. He really didn't like us. I think he saw my outgoing, helpful husband as a threat to his status in the cul-de-sac (yes I'm aware how pathetic that sounds).

He caused us no end of issues and created a horrible atmosphere, and then, when we sold that house he had the brass neck to ask us to give him a small piece of our front garden so it was easier for him to park his caravan. I was honestly open mouthed at that point, but said calmly "Why would we do that?" His answer was "To be neighbourly"! We didn't give him any of our garden.

Some people, particularly men, like their tiny empires.

No idea whether it is because you are foreign or simply because you are new. Our former neighbour was swift to inform us that she had been there for 40 years on the day we moved in, and then went on to behave in a very similar fashion but we are white British so it wasn't about race, just control. We couldn't have a workman round to our house to do anything without her accosting them demanding to know what they were doing. Multiple unfounded complaints to the council, river catchment board etc. In the end we had to involve solicitors to get her to stop.

OP I am from an EU country as well and moved to a small Kent seaside town after 30 years living in London. I have quite a few elderly neighbours too and in the beginning they were a bit nosy & I could feel I was a topic of conversation. I just got on with my life and integrated well with the local community.

Older people can be unsettled by newcomers in general and you will likely always have a couple of retired busy bodies with too much time on their hands in all neighbourhoods.

Also I have been in my house for 4 years now People just got used to me. Also quite a few of my elderly neighbours have gone into care homes, are selling their home to downsize or have died. So we will get some newcomers soon in our street.

I'd love to hear your neighbours side of the story.

He needs a Dear John letter.

As in,

Dear John,

Fuck off.

It's a small street with only 10 properties. When I moved to my current address several years ago a neighbour told me that another neighbour, I'll call him John, was really good at DIY and was really handy with just about everything. Fast forward a few years, my DH died and I needed an opinion not actual help but advice. Who did I ask but John.
Can you not see that this is how it happens? Elderly lady asks John to help because he's capable and she's nervous /does not know what to do?
You are new to the street, people have probably known each other years. What you do OP is carry on being friendly, you check if your water pipe is causing damage, if it is you rectify it. In time you will just be neighbours, not the newbies. Older people will die / go into care homes, others will move in. The dynamic will change. I'm no longer the newbie where I live. I know the local trades, I can give advice on that, and I'm officially old! Sometimes it's just a question of finding out how that street operates and trying to fit in. Or don't try and keep yourself to yourself.
P. S when my DH died the whole street was so lovely and helpful.

We moved into a little close (not London) and we are white British.

I was very attuned to the fact we are newcomers in a close of older people who have been neighbours for over 30 years. Their kids grew up together playing by on that street.

I made sure I was very easygoing and I ingratiated myself with them in the first several years. I didn’t expect to make friends with them all right away. You’re the outsider amongst old people - it’s not easy whatever the colour of your skin.

I think your anger about the party wall problem is misplaced. Is your temperament generally prickly and hot-tempered? Perhaps the neighbours are picking up on some vibe.

End of the day - the old lady did what you yourself says they all do - she consulted her long-time friend and neighbourhood leader, John, who took a look and advised that rather than having the anxiety of tackling you head on, the best thing would just be get a legal letter written so you can take that to a builder and insurance company and get the problem fixed.

It doesn’t matter in the slightest who put the pipe up - if it has damaged your neighbour’s property you’re responsible.

I would invite her over for a cup of tea along with John so she doesn’t feel anxious and ambushed and say to her, you are very sorry her property has been damaged by the pipe the previous owners put in place and of course you’d like to help put it right. Say that you’re sorry she didn’t feel she could come and talk to you about it directly - that you always want her to know you’re very approachable and want to be good neighbours and on good terms with everyone. Mention that you’d like to see if you can get it fixed on your insurance and ask if she’s found someone to do the work.

I would just get a formal reply written refuting the claims and send it. If they want to play it that way just do the same. If you try to talk to the 85 year old they will say you were trying to bully her into dropping the claim so I wouldn't do that just keep it through formal channels.

They went into their carport,knowing they were not home. That is trespass. If it was to look at adjoining wall it could have been viewed from the neighbours property. There was absolutely no reason to be sulking about in their carport. And if they did need to look then permission should have been sort.
I'd also suggest more cameras in carport and around house with warning signs to make ut clear.

Well, first, you do need to get this checked out - is the pipe causing damage?

Second - I agree with so many - it's because you're new, and young.

Although obviously you're also going to be culturally different to the locals, which you do need to acknowledge to yourself and decide what the best way to handle that is.

When I moved where I live now, a couple neighbours came round clearly to scope me out - check if I had kids/animals (warn me that the farmers would shoot dogs that got out) etc. When they discovered I was foreign of course they were extra emphatic about that - they only have stereotypes to work on, they don't know me, they don't know what I know about how it works here vs. my home country.

In turn, as I made friends, I'd ask them for advice - what was socially acceptable or expected (and I still made plenty of mistakes).

That's like saying the postman is trespassing when he delivers letters. Of course they had a reason, they were inspecting the other side of a party wall.

Was it technically trespass (a civil crime BTW)? Maybe. Was it a culturally normal thing to do - yes. Of course popping down someone's drive to look at the other side of a wall is normal. If they were home it would have been polite to knock first, but OP wasn't home.

You sound like really hard work and ageist. You have decided John is a racist with no evidence, complain about your neighbour trying to see what is causing damage to her property and have no interest in fixing it. And you object to John helping his neighbours because you've taken a dislike to him. Minor complaints about a dog you allowed to escape and a trellis are small stuff.

If there is damage to a neighbours property because of a pipe on your property you need to investigate that. What does the pipe do and have you got anyone to look at whether it is leaking? You cant "refute a claim" you havent investigated. We need a diagram to understand where the pipe is and why they were on your property.

You’ve made awful assumptions about John! What evidence do you actually have that he’s xenophobic?

Youve moved somewhere and you’re new. Neighbours all know each others. There’s always one, like John, who designates themselves king of the hill.

If there is a pipe attached - it doesn’t matter if you attached it. If it belongs to you and it’s causing damage to your neighbours property then yes, you have to pay for the damage.

John sounds like an interfering twat. It’s interesting that they were unable to wait until you were back from holiday before inspecting the pipe.
Sending a demanding letter is also quite passive aggressive. If your lady neighbour gave your children Easter eggs then this pipe business may be being steered by John, it certainly sounds that way.

I would communicate via letter regarding the pipe so you have a paper trail and sign and date everything.

Jeez.

Talk about overreacting and escalating.

The police will laugh at you and tell you it is not a crime.

At best it is a civil matter.
They have not remained after you've asked them to leave.
You have suffered no loss.

@BloodyForeignerNeighbour
You have no right to privacy in your curtilage.

Others suggest talking to your neighbour. That's the smart thing to do.

I suspect OPs attitude might be getting in the way of normalising relations. Many Eastern Europeans come across as quite brusque, no-nonsense, no filter, "tell it like it is" is not the British way of understatement and social-face.

I was put off initially by many, particularly women, who I'm now friends with because I've reconciled their exterior brashness with their interior niceness. But sometimes their bluntness still provokes a visceral reaction in me.

Thanks for all the responses! They made me feel better.

Just to clarify, there is no moisture damage. The neighbour claims we sneakily drilled into her wall to connect a surround for a garden hose/pipe and that drilling caused cracks in her wall. But the surround and the pipe has been there for at least 10 years, before she herself bought her house (which by the way was only 2 years earlier than me - she moved over herself to live closer to her kids. I wish she consulted them and not John!) So there is really no physical issue for which we could be actually liable, luckily. The problem is the attitude.

I would have no problem whatsoever with her coming over to inspect the wall if there was an unexpected issue while I am away, but I would expect her to contact me before/straight after and state her concerns (she has my number! and used it in the past!), especially since she knows I saw her via my ring camera. Instead she choose to write me a mean officious letter, with a header, a date and her full name...it is just so rude and also the claim is based on such improbable assumptions!

The police will just tell you that trespassing is not a police issue unless it is with intent to commit a crime.

From the tone of her letter and from what you know about her, do you think she actually wrote the letter, or do you think John is behind it. I would do as someone else suggested, go and speak to her and be all nice to get her onside. You’ll soon see who’s pulling the strings.

Wow, talk about overreaction. I’m sure the police have got better things to do, like solving actual crimes.

We had a 'mayor' on the Crescent too. He seems to have gotten bored and resigned from the role though.

Older people do write letters and it sounds like she wanted it to be formal. You sound an angry person - perhaps she feels intimidated by you?

So, a couple of things.

You may not have drilled into the wall the way she claims (in the dead of night and without asking her, lol) - and she (or her surveyor) may not have noticed the way the garden hose was set up when she bought it and that it COULD cause issues. However, you both own these properties now.

I do agree with a previous poster you need to check what is happening now as you are the current owners and will be responsible if there is a problem.

That's just how it is. Not the bit about constructing it w/o her consent - that is bollocks- but whether something which is part of your property is causing her an issue. Can you get a builder to look at it before things escalate?