AIBU to think our neighbours are singling us out as foreigners?

[BloodyForeignerNeighbour]

Me and my husband have been living in the UK for more than 10 years. I am Eastern European and he is (white) American. We have left London and bought a house in the south east a few years ago. Back in London we used to live on a nice street of terraces with many international families. We never felt out of place there and made an effort to be friendly with our neighbours.

The current house is in a little close of about 10 detached houses and bungalows. Most owners are very elderly (we didn't know it before we moved). Naturally we don't have very much in common with them but we are nice and polite. I have noticed that a few of our new neighbours prefer to talk to my husband, even though I am normally the more social one, and work from home way more than him. Our next door neighbour didn't even know my name until last year. I have a gut feeling that she is uncomfortable to address me, but she got along quite well with my husband who helped her with a few things.

The close is ruled by John, a middle aged ex-forces man in one of the bungalows. He is a type I would not be surprised to find supervising a Raise the Colours operation on one of the roundabouts on the weekends, not that I actually spotted him, so this stereotype might be on me. When there is a problem, like a sewage blockage or an unfamiliar car parked in the close the elderly neighbours ask John for help. He is a bit like a proud rooster protecting his flock of hapless frail hens.

John sends us Christmas cards, but he dislikes us. We replaced a rotten down trellis in our front garden with a slightly bigger one when we moved in and John complained to the council that the new trellis destroys the character of the close (this was disclosed by another neighbour). He has complained to the dog warden that our dog is straying when he accidentally got out of the door and hung around the entrance to get back in. We never confronted him directly about these things because they came to nothing. We hoped he will eventually calm down on his own.

Two weeks ago, when away for Easter we have spotted John and our next door neighbour (an 85 year old widow who rarely leaves her house) through our ring camera, standing in our carport and inspecting the party wall, in animated conversation. We asked what's the matter and John told us that "we are ok, have nothing to worry about". They quickly walked away.

A few days later we received a very officially worded formal letter accusing us of attaching a water pipe to the party wall without asking permission, which has caused cracks in the neighbours house. We were requested to pay for damages and arrange for structural inspection within strict timelines.

We did not attach anything, the pipe was there for the last 10 years, and it is easy to prove if it came to it. Our issue is with the shocking hostility and invasion of our privacy.

I feel very put out that this really normally quite proper and nice old lady who gave our kids Easter eggs a week before and asked us to roll out her rubbish bins on collection day felt emboldened to stride right into our carport when we were away without asking permission and then accuse us out of the blue of tampering with her wall, without even attempting to talk to us first. I cannot imagine how she would react if I was doing it in her carport. It destroyed my Friday morning and I am fuming.

AIBU to feel like we are being singled out and targeted (presumably as foreigners) or is this a typical curtain twitching and low level neighbour to neighbour aggression? And if the former what can we do?

Yes.
This.

If i had to guess anything i'd be more inclined to think it's that you are " young" / new so he thinks he can boss you both

Vile man.

Some men John’s age still think men are in charge, hence preferring to deal with your husband.

I’d pop over to see what the problem with the wall is. That’s a bigger issue than John’s odd ways.

And on the basis of divide and conquer, keep up the friendly talk with the neighbour. Give John less to work with!

There is a lot about your post that indicates that you feel you are never in the wrong.

At the end of the day is there actually an issue with pipe that you own feeding onto a wall of your neighbour. Regardless of how long it's been there it's your responsibility and you are likely to be liable for damage. Somebody standing on your driveway to assess damage to their property is not harassment.

John just sounds like a busybody, drama seeking tool. I think it’s nothing to do with where you’re from, just that you’re strangers and that they disapproved of the trellis. Sorry ye have to deal with this

It’s because you are younger and new to the neighbourhood. May be nothing to do with your race. John is a busybody and nasty piece of work. Avoid like the plague. Speak to your neighbours directly.

Ask John not to go onto your property again.

Could be a mixture of being the big shot and being xenophobic. We have a similar woman on our road on London.
only speaks to the men and writes aggressive letters about minor issues.
she focusses on the new people in turn, but is more vicious to those who are black and brown and the ‘foreign lot’. Shes a ridiculous person and people are now warned about her on moving in. She’s largely isolated due to her own behaviour. I found her intimidating when we first arrived but now just walk straight past her. I don’t even bother with a greeting anymore.
I suspect new families will be moving in over time and your dynamic will improve.

Go to the next door neighbour, lay it on thick how much you like her and how nice she is etc etc, then drop in in that John is escalating his harassment towards you and you are left with no choice but to go the legal route regarding his behaviour and that you wouldn't want her to be implicated.

Divide and conquer, play John at his own game!

Have you ever thought it might be your age OP? I am sure your or your DP could do those jobs, which on my street often account to changing lightbulbs or hearing aid batteries.

Win the oldies over with some cake or flowers, they often love to talk about their life. Check if they have diabetes, sadly a lot like to talk about their health a lot as it is often the only reason they do go out. John will be seething. If you find him unpleasant I suspect you are not alone. You sound lovely BTW. I would start with your neighbour go over, just you and ask her what the problem is in a nice way, it will be very interesting as to why John was there.

Send footage to the police with a complaint of trespassing. With people like this you need to set strong boundaries.

I suspect it may be newcomer who moved down from London being the main reason, though xenophobia or racism may be the views John holds.

Unacceptable either way. Agree about setting boundaries.

I live on a close with a very similar demographic - mostly over 70s/80s. They are all a bunch of busybodies. We’ve lived here for a few years and I don’t know most of their names, I just keep my head down. DH on the other hand talks to everyone. There’s always a crusade or an argument going on between neighbours. Our postman regularly knocks on to ask me for the latest gossip. Honestly, they’re like a nest of vipers!

Does anyone think that the police are going to be interested in 2 elderly people going onto a driveway to inspect a party wall? I mean that's what they are both going to say, isn't it? ' I noticed damp on my side and asked John to take a look as he's practical. I thought we might speak to the owners too'.

It might be because you’re new and trust me I believe you cause I been through the same, moved in somewhere had this dirty jobless drunk as your John. Nothing better to do but conversed the other rats in the neighbour hood to make constant complaints about me, the complaints turned into lies after and he eventually got arrested for harassment, I moved out shortly after, now I live at peace.

it is harassment what you’re going through but police like to drag on harassment cases mine went on for four years before they did something

So being in the British military makes you a racist? Is the UK not allowed to have a military? Why pick a country to live in, were you have such hostility towards people who would risk their lives defending it? I'm immigrant background on both sides and I always find attitudes like yours strange. Perhaps your negative stereotyping shows and that's why he doesn't like you?
You are very condescending about the help he gives to his neighbours. He's fir and able, so the bastard uses his spare time to help the elderly people around him. People can walk onto your property, especially if they think there's an issue with a party wall, it's called reasonable access. The way you are coming across, you are the problem. Also you can have things in common with older people and just by looking at someone, you don't know their heritage.

I too, think John has had his nose put out of joint. He’s no longer king pin in the close and he doesn’t like it.

I think you should act pleasantly towards them, acknowledging that they are sad, pathetic losers, and just take it on the chin and try to win them over, but don't bother trying too hard too of course. People like this will never change.

I'm guessing it's because you're new.

But I also think you're overreacting. You were away, the neighbour has a problem with her wall, and needed access to the other side to see what the cause was. I wouldn't find it unreasonable, given that I was away, for them to take a look, though I recognise we often have a visceral response to people being on our property.

John is obviously an unpleasant guy, but don't take that out on your neighbour who has been kind. She wasn't unreasonable to take a look at your side of the wall in your absence.

Explain and show proof that the pipe was there before you were, so that they're aware you didn't do it. But of course that doesn't mean you don't need to fix it.

The police won't do anything. It's not a crime. And is it really worth winding these people up and making life even more difficult?

I couldn’t say if he care if your are foreigners or not, it’s probably equally your age if you are an anomaly on a street full of elderly people. Sounds like he is just trying to assert his dominance over you!

So being in the British military makes you a racist? Is the UK not allowed to have a military?

Do you want some liniment for the neck injury you must have got from that stretch, @Ponoka7 ?

I agree with the divide and conquer, I bet the old lady next door is feeling uncomfortable that you caught her and John talking on your property and she knows you have received a letter.
I would bypass John, knock on her door, ask to see the damage to her property and explain the work was done by the people who owned the house before you. I think you will have to get work done, could house insurance cover it? She might be able to claim for work done to rectify damage on her side.
She might of been hesitant to tell you herself and John the cockerel has used that to big himself up in the neighbourhood.
There could be an element of you moving from London to where you live now at play too as Londoner’s are seen by some as earning lots in the city and then moving into villages and having more disposable income than those around them blamed for pushing prices of properties up until the locals are outpriced.

Perhaps it was bit of a stretch for the OP to think John would be out painting crosses everywhere.

How on earth do you know this has anything to do with your being foreigners? Why not your age?

It sounds like he likes to take charge of everything and feels like a big fish in a small pond with all these elderly people deferring to him. You say so yourself:
He is a bit like a proud rooster protecting his flock of hapless frail hens. You're obviously not going to be doing this.

What has he actually done to warrant your comment about being the type to put flags on roundabouts? Has he given you any indication that he's racist? Or are you profiling him based on something else?

It could be this is happening because you are new, and that's causing a stir rather than race. Nothing you have said is due to race, in fact you are the one with prejudiced views against him.

Speak to him and tell him that you think he is involving people unnecessarily and it would be more efficient to speak to you directly if he has concerns.