AIBU to think solo parenting all weekend then this is unfair?

[AtWitsEnd21]

Maybe AIBU

DH was at a stag party last weekend. He was gone 8am Friday morning to 4pm Sunday afternoon. We have two DC 2&4. Both are bad sleepers with older DC awake at 6.30am every morning without fail. I was solo parenting for essentially three days which because they are bad sleepers is exhausting. When DH returned home he went almost immediately to lie on the couch to watch sport.
I was irate.
He promised that he would take the load this weekend so I could have some me time. He took DC at 7.30 (I had entertained them for the first hour). I had a bit of a rest and went to garden centre was home for 12.30. When I arrived home he immediately went for a run for 45mins. Then he didn’t check if we had required ingredients for dinner. Another 40 min round trip to shop on his own. Then DC join me in the garden which requires constant supervision to not stomp all over new plants while he made dinner and listened to a podcast. Went to put younger DC and there are no pull ups. He clearly used the last one changing him and never thought to replace so another solo trip to the shop to get them while I again supervise.
AIBU to just really feel this just not fair. He doesn’t see it like that at all said he’s doing his best.

I guess I have lived with it all being my responsibility because if it was down to him our lives would be chaotic. There would be no forward planning on meals or shopping. The house would be upside down. If he is going away he washes clothes the afternoon before he leaves and packs them damp. I keep the show on the road because I don’t want my children to grow up in chaos. When I came home today all the cushions were off the couches, there were plates with food on the floor, water spilled all over the floor and furniture, crayons mixed with water all over the floor staining it. When I went to tell him we needed nappies DC weee bull dozing straight through my flower bed while he sat on a wall talking to a neighbour. It’s unbearable.

He did go straight to the shop once he realised though. He just didn’t bother planning in advance

As DH clearly isn't responsive to the DC at night, which is why they come to you, you'll have to start training them to go to Daddy if it's light. Don't occupy them for an hour or more before you take them to him, do it straightaway as soon as they are up. Make sure he's awake then go back to bed. Close the door.
When you get up, go straight out, and stay out. Can you go somewhere else for a sleep every now and again - your Mum's, a friend's house?
He is being unfair. Start by involving him more in the planning. Make him do it while you are doing something else nearby ..eg you are ironing, so he makes the online meal planning and food shopping lists with input from you. He needs to see how it works from scratch, what has to be taken into account when organising the family's week, how many nappies or pints of milk or toilet rolls you need as a regular thing.
Having said that, my DH is still perfectly capable of going to the corner shop for top-ups 3 or 4 times in a day. I wouldn't leave anything as important as not running out of nappies to him, tbh, when I know it'll be me who is also inconvenienced. (Disclaimer, no DC in this house anymore).

Seems like you were trying to test him knowing food, diapers where running out. Genuinely do you really want a man to operate like a woman, or maybe reset your expectations for your own sanity. Best things to do if you want a break is to go somewhere and leave him to it.

Operate like a woman? I understand the point you are making generally, but men are 100% capable of ‘acting like women’, shopping and cooking aren’t women’s work. I agree it is pointless expecting him to totally change on one day, but OP is clearly at breaking point, maybe she needed this to prove to
her that this is a real issue for her.

I think you could both save time and energy by having a frequently replenished nappy stash and food for meals in the fridge and freezer

If he is rubbish around the house, or with the kids, this needs addressing and you might need to train him, until he does this correctly

However, I don't think you should punish him for having a weekend away

I'm so sorry but this is whatvan abusive relationship can look like.
He doesn't give a damn about you and unfortunately you have allowed it.

It will continue for as long as you allow it.
I'm sorry.
Have you any support at all?

I would of gone and got the nappies, then gone through costa coffee drive thru and sat in the car park for a hour. 😂

Why did he go to the shop 3 times?

Why were the required ingredients not available at home?

And why were the pull ups run down so low that they actually ran out?

Sorry OP but you do need to take some of the blame here - he was away, so it was you that didn’t go shopping, didn’t have the ingredients in and let the pulls ups run down to less than a days worth.
You then chose not to go to the shop or let the kids go but then are annoyed that he went to the shop on his own.

You are obviously exhausted physically and mentally.
This weekend is irrelevant. What you do need to focus on is how DH can pull his fair share.

Can you take some time off work?
I would take a week off and focus on sorting their sleep out.

They may want mummy during the night but there’s nothing stopping DH from taking over at 6:30 to give you a couple hours extra sleep, especially on weekends.

I was not testing him. He said I will make dinner, called me to say he had been to the shop with DC. Then came home to realise he never checked if he had the meat required. There were nappies when I left maybe only a few but nappies so I would assume that he would look and think I will get some in the shop. Then came home clearly pulled apart changing bag to find the last one, used it, and never thought on the subsequent two trips to the shop I should get some. Why do I have to responsible for everything because I am the female in the partnership?
j appreciate the advice of going elsewhere for a night. I should probably do that. I would feel bad about leaving DC who would be upset if they wake and I’m not there.

He went three times because he forgot various aspects of the meal on separate occasions. I refuse to take any blame here, his literal words to me were I will do everything and take over for the weekend. You will have to do nothing. There is of course other food in the house (albeit low supply, big shop is done on Sundays), he was in the middle of preparing dinner when he realised there was no meat. It didn’t seem practical to start over with another meal when all the aspects of the dinner planned was prepared. As for the nappies. In 4.5 years we have never run out of nappies. Do you know what that is. Because I monitor it all times and buy as needed. If I had been in charge today everything would have been purchased on the first visit to the shop.
I don’t have a job where I can take time off (I have allocated leave with no AL). Work is also my only break from the metal load of being entirely responsible for everything.

If it’s really the first time you’ve ever not made a point of checking ahead and buying the nappies and you happened to leave it to just a couple left this time without either of you realising then it’s just not surprising that he missed the nappies. He still went out and bought them in the end. The issues in your relationship need addressing by both of you as you are both responsible for it, but the nappies thing it’s just a human mistake that he was bound to make if he’s literally never had to think for himself with nappies before and you never normally run out.

Maybe you need to work on your communication and organisation.
Once DH said he needed to go to the shops, why didn't you suggest he waited so you could both check what was needed (if you feel he would be unable to do this himself fully). You normally do a shop on Sunday so it seems a bit daft for him not to buy the things you would buy tomorrow when he went today.
Do you write a shopping list? Could this have been shared?

He was away LAST weekend.

My mistake OP I misread and thought he was away this weekend!! Sorry!!
Hence why I wondered why you didn’t do shopping.

I personally would have made him take the kids or gone to the shop but everything else was completely his fault.

I also completely understand why work is your break - I have Uk work for my MH.
But I do think kids feel more challenging when you co-sleep and I would try and get this sorted.

As you co-sleep having a night away isn’t feasible but that doesn’t mean he can’t take them out for the day or even just let you have a day in bed.
But I guess it’s what state things will be in when you return that could make you feel even worse.

Nothing annoys me more than when men are fully capable of being functional adults but somehow can’t seem to do basic things when they live with a woman.
It’s weaponised incompetence.

Both men and women should be able to parent and look after the household just as well as each other.

I think as you do all night, every night, then he needs to step up in other ways to lessen the burden on you.

You need to have a long conversation when the children aren’t there.
Your expectations and his actions are miles apart.
4 options:
carry on
you change expectations
he changes actions
you split.

Yes it's very unfair. But your DH is not going to change overnight because being hopeless is working for him at the moment. You need to make it less easy for him. Either you get out of the house or he takes the kids out. You might have to stand over him while he packs a bag, it won't immediately relieve all your load, but if he cares about your family he should understand that tiredness and resentment will kill any marriage.

Next weekend you take a few days off. Can you have a sleepover at a friend's house?

For your sake, not his, can you buy nappies online for delivery? Then provided they are ordered regularly enough, no one has to go to the shop or lug them home, which is what I assume you do.

And yes, start introducing your kids to dad doing things for them or this will never improve. Eg one night a week, at the weekend, is daddy night when he co sleeps and you get the spare bed to yourself. Talk about it as a treat. Then move it up from there.

I think you might have to check your expectations of him so resentment doesn’t build. You can’t expect him to be as good as you it seems from your posts. I’m genuinely better at running the whole house but I’ll de dammed if I do all of it. Yes I do the birthday cards, shopping orders etc but I almost feign unintelligence when it comes to the electric bill, sky deal etc. Just pick the bits each of you are good at, or the bits you like. I think giving him a good chunk of time with the kids is a good idea like other posters suggested - he won’t be as good as you but hopefully he’ll appreciate you more xx

It’s because he’s so used to me doing absolutely everything.

Well, he's not going to pick it all up just like that. Until he walks in your shoes for a while he won't learn.
How did you get into the position where the father of your children is so inept?

His best is shit.

Does he do this in his workplace?

Give him an evaluation and say you needs to see improvement in these areas, and name them. He's slacking because you pick up his slack.

Maybe you should have a nice, relaxing spa weekend away and he'll just have to deal. Of the place is a mess, he pays for the cleaning put of his budgeted funds for fun money.

Was he like this before you had children? Was he like this after you had your first child?

I think with the solo sleepless nights etc anything he isnt doing seems a much bigger issue due to resentment.
He could have went and bought pulls ups but you are a team. You were going out, you could have bought what was needed. I find it strange that you didnt and he maybe didnt notice (?) And this resulted in another shopping trip which isnt down the road.
I think sleeping alone in a king-size bed is not on, why are you it for all wake ups?? I think you need to nip this in the bud ASAP.
My dh started lots of projects before I gave birth. This meant he left me alone with baby alot while he did diy. This bothered me eventually as I started to feel like a single parent! Anything he did wrong I was then quick to jump on it. Oh he is now cutting wood when there are bottles to clean, fuck him!! I then realised improving our home is lovely but its also disrespectful to assume I have nothing I want to do and so to just leave me with baby all day with no help. So we chatted and I said just that. He was arsey at first, ie oh I need to ask permission to do DIY??? But he then fully understood its about coordinating our time. By all means go do painting or cutting wood but check with me first so I can let you know what needs doing or what I would like to do! We do this all the time now and it has improved things soo much. What I'm getting at is, it seems he has been allowed to do whatever for so long. So for course he isnt going to think ahead for pull ups or dinner if thats not what he usually does. Yes its shit but it means u both need to talk. So maybe you both decide every Sunday what dinners are or what needs done during week. You both need to do the work though, not just you. Also he shouldn't be agreeing to help out more he should just be doing it that it doesnt need to be an agreement! I hope everything I said makes sense