AIBU to want some time for myself

[Pissedoffwithitall1]

NC for a moan

Have flu, feeling rubbish a week in. It's coincided with the last week of the Easter holiday for DS, so I've had to keep going, albeit doing the minimum to keep him alive (whilst having bursts of extreme guilt for the endless hours of cartoons he's watched).

DH's job is a bone of contention generally as hours are long, irregular with frequent stays away. We have no other help and I have become default parent 99.9% of the time. He was away for a night during this week, couldn't be helped, but I am shattered.

The flu has lowered my mood and the inability to rest has probably prolonged the illness so I snapped at him yesterday, via text (we never get to chat meaningfully irl anymore). I just keep burning out like this, have no life outside of parenting, which never ends, have nothing to look forward to as can't commit to any kind of regular activity. I don't work currently as I ended up in hospital a couple of years ago with sepsis having burnt out in similar circumstances. I was self employed, working around DH's work and childcare and something had to give. He wasn't giving anything so I let work go and concentrated on DS. I've been trying to get back to some work since September with a view to being ready to hit the ground when DS starts reception this year. I've made little progress as my time is constantly taken by chores, childcare, elderly parents and working around DH's work and generally feeling exhausted. I can't see it being much different when he starts school as all that entails will default to me too.

I have ringfenced a night away with an old uni friend once a year and it's the highlight of my year because I do nothing else for myself. He is happy to oblige but there always seems to be come back. When I told him I wanted to look again at the childcare spilt he told me he'd already given up most of the week and 'bent over backwards to help me' by looking after our son for 2 days to facilitate the trip, and was incredibly stressed by his work load because of it. Which made it clear he regards childcare as my job, the maintenance of my friendship and sanity as frivolous and that I should be more grateful for the extreme stress he endures on our behalf. He supports me working in word but not deed. I mean if I can fit work in around everything else in the 20 hours DS is at nursery, why can't he?

I feel my life slipping away. I feel my intellect and friendships disappearing and, God forgive me, on occasion I feel resentment towards our son, who is so demanding that I can't do anything when he's around. All chores and life admin happen in nursery hours and I'm exhausted by bedtime. No matter what we do DS isn't asleep before 9/9.30pm and I have to stay in bed with him until he drops off. By the time I sort the kitchen and pets I have no energy left. I don't read or watch TV anymore, haven't a clue about current affairs, I barely socialise, I can go days without any adult conversation.

I've tried to claim some rest today, my body knows I need it, and my husband just made a crack about everyone apart from him in the house being lazy. I feel like packing a bag and going, I know not where, but I've just had enough of the guilt on top on the thankless slog and erasing of any meaningful activity in my life.

AIBU to think there should be more to my life than this? I usually suck it up but I'm so frazzled I just can't help but feel short changed today.

Can you buy in more labour? More childcare, more cleaners, a housekeeper, a dog walker, more support for your elderly parents? This can be paid for by you going back to work.
If you have a large house with a lot of rooms but there’s only 3 of you, can you
shut certain rooms off? Okay they will need airing now and then but otherwise buy dust sheets and put the rooms to bed until you need them for guests. Similarly spare bathrooms, run the shower and the taps and flush the loo once a week but otherwise they can be closed off.
you’re burnt out which probably means you’re in survival mode rather than thinking and working efficiently. No you can’t plan around elderly parent emergencies and yes your husband should step up but you can wish and dream all you like, it won’t help you in the here and now. He’s shown you he won’t change, so you have two choices - accept it and find a method that works for you (ie buying in help) or leave him and get yourself a bijou house with minimal needs.

Thank you, that's all great practical advice. I do think buying in help is probably the way forward, although not for my parents as we've tried that and they won't accept it.

DH did suggest a housekeeper the other day, as he was going around complaining about the state of the house and all the stuff that needs doing. I didn't discuss it with him then. I was in the throws of flu and deliberately not looking at or thinking about the house because looking after DS was taking everything I had and I was bracing for a further 48 hours solo parenting marathon while DH went off to London.

Later on DH sent me photos of the exquisite meal he had at a fancy restaurant and regaled me with tales of the celebrities he'd spotted. I made a nutritious, balanced meal for DS that he refused to eat, had a penguin biscuit for my dinner and then picked up dog shit in the garden whilst being screamed at and kicked by a disgruntled 4 year old demanding ice-cream. Another day, another equal spilt of duties.

Its clear the answer is paid help if you can afford it, and impose stricter bedtime rules so you have the evening for yourself. Seems the trend now is lots of kids up until parents go to bed, and then no evening to relax. You have to get tough for a few days, consistency and it will pay off. Be thankful you can afford paid help.

Would you be happier if your husband had a less well paid but more routine and perhaos flexible job?

You see, most people I know who are in their situation wanted the lifestyle that comes with certain jobs. They certainly spend the money that is earned and create a lifestyle that cannot be sustained on less money. Then they expect some magic solution where they can have the job, the status, and the money as well as an equally present co-parent.

I get the feeling that a big issue is comparison to your DH and resentment based on that. He gets all the fancy meals and trips to London etc while you eat a biscuit. You need to get more things to yourself in your life. Start doing more of the work while DS is home to spare more child free hours for your enjoyment. If you can’t for example sort out the kitchen while your 4yo is at home and awake it sounds to me he may have additional needs tbh.
What on earth are you doing with 8 bedrooms - you won’t have to clean them all regularly as they can’t be all in active use. Just vacuum them quickly every few weeks. And by the sounds of it money is no issue so get a cleaner to do that.

I feel it’s a big issue you’ve lost contact to friends due to your situation. You must sort that. Again, as you seem to have the money, get a nanny for one evening per week and make dates with those old friends - you need and deserve that.

When my DC were toddlers I made a point of not doing any housework while they napped for example, but used that time just to relax. I recommend you start taking at least an hour every day to go for walk, gym, read a book..whatever that makes you feel you’re doing something for you.
It maybe not be as bad as it seems to you at this point, with small changes I’m sure you could get a lot more energy back. And don’t feel guilty for having DS watch too many cartoons while you’re sick. When my kids are home sick nowadays they’ll be in front of the tv all day while I work - and they bloody love it.

There is real resentment here towards your DH OP. I think because as say you feel like you’ve ended up in this position rather than decide it’s what you want. I do also think you’ve generally got quite a negative mindset it seems.

As others have said, you’re in a very privileged position in so many ways. Could you flip the script? I’m so lucky that I’m able to have the time to support my parents because I’m not having to work full time. I’m so grateful for time with my DC because my husband works so hard. I’m grateful for a beautiful home and cleaner because my husband earns a good salary I don’t need to work.

And realistically all this will change come September and you can access holiday clubs over the school breaks too. So why not hang in there until September and reset.

I say this as someone in a very similar position to you but whilst working as well, albeit we agreed as a family I wanted to work part time and we would concentrate on career progression for my DH. My youngest started reception last year and I’ve now managed to carve out more time for me, I go to the gym, see friends for coffee, she joined a sports club etc. I do get overwhelmed sometimes with dealing with all kids, life admin etc as my DH works such long hours but on these weeks I really try to carve out time for myself where I can sit with a coffee and have an hour watching tv or reading before the school run.

I’m sure it’s hard. But I cannot get my head round how “life admin” becomes such a thing. I work full time and have a disabled child, a dog etc and I still have time to see friends, read, and keep on top of housework. I’m not saying I’m superwoman but it is possible.

Can you get a cleaner? Agree knock the sleep thing on the head. Use the dog walk to listen to a podcast, get a coffee and sit outside with it.

Make a list of everything that needs done in the house and split it.

I think you’re at the tail end of recovery now trying to get over that peak of feeling fully well.

Why did you make a "balanced nutritious meal" for your child but only eat a biscuit yourself? Not eating properly will surely make you feel worse.

OP, looks like everyone except you can just refuse so you pick up the slack?

You can also refuse however you need to get rid of the guilt.

Your “D”H wanted big house as a show off, he can organise the housekeeper, you refuse to clean it maybe bar the basics( bedroom you use and your child, bathroom and kitchen).

Your parents refused to move. Let me guess, they also refuse external help. Well,it’s either that of nothing as you’re 2 hours away and can’t bd at their beck and call.
There are options- supported housing, carers and the alarm worn on the neck do if they fall they can press the alarm and help comes(not you at 3am)

Your son- ask the nursery if he needs SALT or how do they feel about ASD.
Sleep needs to be sorted- back to bed every time he gets out.
Zero tolerance to demands and kicking-that only will get worse as he gets older

As for your H- he’s exploiting you to the absolute limits. What positives he actually brings to your life? An avoidant parent and can’t even call him a partner of life companion because he’s not.

You can’t carry like that.Your parents and H would have to cope if you were gone.

OP, it’s ok to prioritise yourself. They have options so do you. Don’t take willingly the other people’s burdens.

Take care of yourself 💐

I was vaguely on your side, until you started pretending to live in an 8 bedroom house to fend off the comments about “admin”.

I've had flu and not been able to eat. Feel a bit better today and made us both a big bowl of porridge which is helping.

I hate saying it out loud but I have ADHD so organisation and life admin isn't my strong suite.

It takes so much effort to get stuff like that done to a crapper standard than friends who do it really well in a fraction of the time. Was always thus, sitting up til 1 or 2 am to do homework and still having a blank piece of paper in front of me and nothing to hand in, being told by teachers that I couldn't be bothered and wasn't putting the effort in and should try and be more like Jane. Jane knocked off an A+ essay in half an hour, went out to play and got an 8 hour sleep and woke up resfreshed and ready to go again. We don't all have the same talents but we still all have life admin. You know those official letters from NHS or HMRC, formulaic blocks of text with loads of reference numbers and jargon? I just can't read them, I try but my brain switches off and none of it goes in. And there's always more of it to wade through. I've genuinely never understood how people do it; from over here you definitely look like a superwoman/Jane.

We have a cleaner, but they only do 1.5 hours once a fortnight, their availability not my choice. Will probably look around to see if there's someone with more availability. That's a definite realisation through the thread, not to look at buying in help as failure and instead be thankful I have that as an option.

Flu is clearing today. My period is here also which probably explains some mood issues and coming 2 weeks after the last is also confirming my suspicions that I'm in perimenopause, which probably also explains moods, exhaustion and wanting to run away and live alone in a log cabin with no forwarding address lately.

Well if you think so that's ok. In fact I might try and pretend it's not 8 bed too as that would lessen the upkeep. But it very definitely is, I've just cleaned up cat sick out of 2 of the 4 bedrooms on the top floor. Note to self, need to sort door latches.

Why do you have an 8 bedroom house when there are 3 of you?!

OP, more assumptions - but it sounds to me like you're wearing yourself ragged trying to live like you used to (modest income), when actually you have the money to design the life you want.

You want to work and socialise more? Get a housekeeper, get a PA too if needed, get an ad-hoc babysitter. Stand up to your parents, and make it clear that their decisions are having too much of a negative impact on you, and that you can't keep bailing them out with no notice.

As a start, do no house cleaning at all for the next week, recover and make a plan.

When DH is earning crazy money and needing to work the crazy hours, tbh you're both mad to be killing yourselves on 'jobs' when you can pay people to do these. Then spend his limited time off actually bonding as a family, and build a life for yourself that you actually want when he isn't around.

Your parents don't get to choose care.
Withdraw your availability and let them sort it out.
Toughen up with your child.
Get help in.
Don't even consider another child.

If your husband needs an 8 bed house to stroke his ego, HE can organise the cleaning of all the areas no-one lives in!
I would block off all the rooms bar the ones you actually need and then ignore them. Nobody needs to be under pressure to clean empty rooms! It is utterly ridiculous.

You tell your parents they need to get an assessment done and buy in some support because it sounds as if you need it more than they do. Stay strong, they should not be guilting you/ breaking you.
THEN, the next time your husband drifts home for a couple of days, have a bag packed, get the car keys and leave. Spend those nights in a nice hotel with some decent food, walk around a nice town, sightseeing, drink coffee/ wine and ignore your phone. He is a parent, he will cope or find some mug to bail him out.

Then decide how you want your life to be going forward, make a plan and stick to it.
All this money he is making, all the glory.. and you hate your life? You are being ground down for the sake of his ambition.
This is your one and only precious life and he couldn't have his dream without everything you do for it. So you deserve some payback for enabling his career. Claim it.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you've been feeling so unwell and i really hope that improves very soon. As far as your situation at home goes: people can fall into the habit they they have no autonomy and just have to pick up all the slack. It sounds as if your husband has chosen this house and uses it and your 'availability' atm to justify doing what he wants to do and nothing else. Not even looking after your son. Well, if he's expecting you to be 'in charge' start being so. You are the Chief Exec of this home so you can and should hire help. A cleaner at least once a week (if your current one can't do that then another one entirely, or an additional one) You don't need to clean and maintain all those bedrooms - 3 at the most Get the doors to the unused rooms locked, maybe even a whole storey of the house. Get the shopping deliverd. Go on one of the many food planning/batch cooking sits and work out a week's menus. At the start you'll forget some things, but when you realise, add them immediately to the next list. If your husband doesn't like the menus, tell him he's welcome to take over! I bet he won't. Treat yourself as your priority...think about how you can combine jobs e.g taking the dog and your son out together. Start teaching your son to help by picking up after himself. You are not the servant for the household. And as fo your parents: they are adults and if they 'chose' to refuse help, then they'll have to cope on their own. Expecting you to do a several hours round trip to sort them out isn't possible. Or sensible. If they need help, they probably need it before you can get there. I understand about the difficulty of organising everything, particularly with ADHD(I also have this) but I've learnt to organise, make lists, deal with things once - all the routine things. Then your mind is free for the more complicated things and also free to refresh and renew yourself. You are more valuable than a house of any size and you need to organise things so that you are looking after yourself too. Any household tasks ca be done to a much lower level than you're (probably) doing them now. Good luck!