Should a wife tell her DH to avoid someone..?

[mujer1997]

….if it makes her feel happy or unthreatened? Even if her DH hasn’t technically done anything wrong, as in no inappropriate messages or meetings to another woman.

I’ve read threads where a woman has asked her DH to stop talking to a younger woman who he is chatty with, whose company he seems to enjoy, and who seems to be conventionally attractive, because the woman just didn’t like it… so she basically asks/tells/makes her DH feel guilty such that he ‘actively avoids’ the younger woman.

Do you think that wives should do this?
YANBU if yes, YABU if no.

Do you think a man should be able to tell his wife not to talk to someone, simply because they don’t like it?

I think it depends on the context.

I’m asking for opinions on this, I’m not decided either way.

Tell, no. Ask, yes.

No because she should feel secure enough in herself that there's no need for this nonsense. Nobody can take someone from me if they don't want to go

Anyone is free to say when they dont like something and what their preferences are.
The other person is under no obligation to comply.
The first person is under no obligation to remain in the relationship if they are unhappy.

A couple should be able to talk stuff like this over, share how they feel, and reach an agreement that they are both ok with. If they can't do that, that's a problem. And it can be resolved either by accepting its not going to change, or ending the relationship.

“ tell”? Obviously not.

discuss like equals? Obviously.

I don’t think anyone should ‘tell’ their partner to do anything but they should certainly say how it makes them feel.

If their partner is decent and loving, they would take that into consideration and do what’s necessary in order to put their relationship first.

That would be controlling

When pregnant with DD, DH had a work colleague, who was actually really nice, but their relationship made me feel uncomfortable. I explained this to DH, and he stepped back from their personal relationship. As couples we all became good friends, but my DH respected me enough to listen to me.

Obviously not.

if my husband told me (or even suggested) he didn’t want me talking to someone for reasons of his own…well, he just wouldn’t, because it’s weird and controlling, and I’d never do that to him.

If your partner isn't the type to generally have female friends and suddenly befriends a younger, attractive, new colleague, then warning bells should be sounding.
You've got to ponder on what he enjoys about her company and why, if he's such a friendly guy, he has space for more friends. It's always the younger, pretty women they befriend and not the other men, or women the same age/older.

Yes, Wives should tell their husbands that they're on to them and their little games.

Are you sulking because his wife sees what you are up to.

Just behave & leave him alone

his mid life crisis doesn't need your envouragement

It's always the younger, pretty women they befriend and not the other men, or women the same age/older.

Men don't make friends with other men the same age or older? What on earth are you talking about?! Of course they do!

Your use of the word 'tell' is threatening, since when did one adult start to tell another adult what to do? Maybe he would prefer to be 'asked' rather than 'told'. Why do so many wives think they can control at whim, for no reason, their husbands' lives? Maybe he should LTB, to use an MN favourite!

They generally don't suddenly get a new male friend and need to go out to dinner etc. If they aren't doing socialising after work with other colleagues, what is it about this new, younger, pretty woman that's appealing? Threads start off and the OP gets told they are controlling/paranoid etc, by the end of the month, of course the OP's DP was just chancing his hand, if not having a full blown affair. How have such friendly people got time to fit all these friends, their children and partner in, yet can go out solo with this new colleague?

Agree it would be "ask" not "tell".

I think it would depend on behaviour and not simply "having a bad feeling".

Swapping flirty text messages late at night? Totally fine to point out the behaviour is inappropriate and ask for it to stop (and for DH to totally avoid the woman if she doesn't).

Engaging in perfectly ordinary office chit chat about what they did at the weekend etc but the wife doesn't like it because the woman is attractive. If there is really nothing else then wife needs to realise this is her own insecurity.

I have literally no idea what you are on about because DH and I have both got to know colleagues at work of the same sex and started socialising out of work, whilst not bothering with other colleagues (who we just don't get on with so much or don't have so much in common).

I would say that I didn't bother posting on MN that DH had started meeting Brian from Accounts once a month so that they can discuss their mutual love of spreadsheets. And I suspect it's the case that starting to socialise more with a colleague is only "newsworthy" when it's a poster's DH with a younger woman, and all the rather less interesting friendships just happen unnoticed.

Although I suspect if I had posted about Brian, there would be any number of people telling me that Brian was probably really Brianna and I should get my ducks in a row, stop being so trusting etc etc.

I’m not a younger woman? And I’m not even in this situation right now. It’s just a question.

I think it depends... if she does it with every woman her DH meets, obviously that is weird and controlling.

'Bad vibes', though? I'd say something to my husband. I've done this once only (before DH and I were married)... told him his 'ex' who he was 'friends' with was still trying to keep him on a string. He said alright, there's nothing to it on my side, I'm not too bothered so I'll step back.

She sent me a completely weird message when she realised he wasn't speaking to her so often, which made it VERY clear she still wanted to keep her options open with him.

I think you can tell a lot from the DH's reaction too.

I don’t think one partner should tell the other what to do/who to see/not see. That is overstepping into controlling behaviour.

However, expressing discomfort and distress isn’t wrong. And holding boundaries for what you will put up from a relationship partner isn’t wrong.

If a person would prefer to prioritise a relationship with someone outside of the marriage over their spouse’s feelings, then the spouse is not unreasonable to reconsider staying in the relationship.

Equally if a person feels manipulated, controlled, or stifled, it’s also their prerogative to leave.

No one should ask you not to speak to someone else.
I would never ask my husband to do this.
I might say I really don't like so and so for whatever reason, but he gets to choose his own friends.
I'd be really disappointed if he thought he could choose my friends.

Well my experience of men informs that if they're delighting in the company of a young, attractive woman, they aren't doing it because of her interesting stamp collection.

I’ve never been in a position where I’ve felt I needed to have this kind of chat with my husband and he never has with me either, I trust him as much as you can ever trust another person, he’s never given me any reason not to, he has both male and female friends and there’s just never in all our time together ever been a time where I’ve felt uncomfortable about that & vice versa.

I know a friend of mine did have this chat with her husband last year though when he had become very friendly with a woman who had started on his team at work and although she had no proof he had crossed any line in terms of physically cheating he had been taking extended lunch breaks to go for lunch with this woman, staying later at work as a result to make the time up, sometimes giving her lifts to & from work which obviously took time away from being at home, coming home and sitting on his phone texting back & forth with her all night while sat next to his wife on the sofa in silence, essentially he was giving more of his time, effort and energy to this new woman than he was his wife and so although she wasn’t accusing him of an affair she was uncomfortable and unhappy with that friendship and I can understand her stance there.

It’s not always YOUNGER women OP!!
But aside from that several things can be advisable at the same time - one should be able to express feelings freely (even if it is as stupid as feeling threatened by someone else because they are attractive or you think your partner is attracted to them (2 different things)) and ideally one should not be telling someone what to do or who to be friends with ..
in this question OP is referencing sexual interest scenarios as opposed to let’s say your DH is sidling up to a young female racist and you refuse to permit that according to your beliefs. Thats a different question it seems because then it’s about standards or beliefs and absolute boundaries but “an attractive x, y and z” is a bit more subjective.

i could be friends with someone that my husband could think is attractive.. or ugly.. or whatever. I don’t have access to his mind. Equally I don’t find just appearance to determine attraction and I’m sure quite a lot of people are the same so they don’t just form friendships BECAUSE the person is “conventionally attractive” whatever that actually means