to find DM harder to deal with as she gets older?

[olaay]

DM is in her early 70s and I am finding her increasingly difficult to be around.
She lives with my younger sister, who does pretty much everything for her. DM retired at 58 and over the years has gradually stopped doing more and more for herself. She used to drive, now she will not at all and expects to be driven everywhere. She used to use a mobile phone, now she says she cannot because she is old. That phrase gets used for everything now as a reason not to even try.

What I find hard is the mindset. It is very much I am old so I cannot do anything, rather than I will try and adapt. She gets angry if things are not sorted for her quickly, and it feels like everyone is expected to step in and fix things.

She had a hip replacement last year and was advised to exercise, but refuses. She is very rigid generally. If I visit, I have to arrive exactly at the agreed time or she gets upset. No flexibility, no popping in. Everything has to be on her terms. She bought a jumper years ago and wants another one but because she can't find the exact same one, she is upset and angry.

She also constantly goes over the past and talks about how people have hurt her which I struggle with because she was extremely difficult and, honestly, quite abusive to both me and my sister growing up.

My sister gets the worst of it because she lives there. DM is now pushing for her to give up work so she can be at home all the time, which feels really unfair and not healthy for either of them.

Another thing that really gets to me is she keeps saying we do nothing for her. My sister does a huge amount already, and I do try to help where I can, but she often refuses, saying I am too busy with my DC. It feels like whatever we do is either dismissed or not enough.

She has no hobbies, no friends, no interest in doing anything. I do wonder if she is depressed but she completely rejects that idea. Even mentioning it makes her fly into a rage.

I find myself dreading visits and feeling frustrated rather than sympathetic.

Is it your mum’s house? Could your sister move out?

YANBU OP.

It is my mums house. My sister would like to move out but her relationship broke down so she moved in with my mum until she gets back on her feet financially.

YaNBU. My dad is similar, his only hobby seems to be moaning about every little health issue. He refuses to go out and meet people/ do anything, and tells me "youre all I've got!" I dont want to be!! He is still fit enough to do things but he won't. Its depressing

I’m am very empathetic I promise and I can validate all of how you feel about the dynamics but ultimately in life the only person you can change is yourself….

We had an awful time dealing with a very rigid family member last year, we spoke to her about the behaviour, she dismissed everything, we completely dropped the rope with her and she no longer has any say on how we operate day to day. We are still very much in touch but we don’t give her the control over us to meet her needs that she desires.

We learned that you can address the behaviour easily by not going along with it but you have to be willing to put up with the emotional manipulation attempts that follow and stay strong or you can let the dynamics continue and you get that emotional impact. You cannot control their emotions.

She's quite "young" to have slipped into this sort of mindset. I'm not far off her age, so I know. I'm not trying to say that things don't get harder as you age, they definitely do! And younger people don't perhaps appreciate how much. But your sister's presence has allowed your mum to cultivate a helpless attitude because it's just easier. It also allows your mum to be in total control of her small world. How long do you think your sister will need to stay there?

You have to seperate the abusive Mother from the aging eldery woman, who sounds in cognitive decline. The hip replacement is a big deal in your 70s, it could have sparked the decline. Has she had no follow ups, care/discharge assessments? There's not much you can do, accept ignore, if you've challenged her. I've just had to distance myself from a friend, because she is in the same mindset and I can't carry on letting her rant at me. You can't fix her, or this, do you've both just got to put boundaries in place.

Yanbu. My mum is difficult to deal with too. She only seems to care about subjecting me to endless monologues. My leg could be hanging off and her cut finger would be far more important.

Your sister needs to move out asap as it will only get worse if it’s so bad in 70s.
I doesn’t sound like your mum was a thoughtful understanding person before so I won’t expect her to improve with age. You need to look at it a bit selfishly - make sure that she has a sheet with exercises near by and then leave it to her.
Do what you can do not what your mum wants you to do

You have to seperate the abusive Mother from the aging eldery woman, who sounds in cognitive decline.

I don’t agree with this on either count, I think you can be guided by the realities of your family and not some cultural model family with the normal family expectations having grown up with an abusive mother. You had an abusive mother you can adjust expectations of what way you need to support her accordingly. Secondly I don’t agree she is elderly, she chooses to be elderly to manipulate empathy.

My mil is 70s , she retired a few years back but is very active and lives alone now , keeps up with technology mostly. Your sister needs to get out before this becomes her life . This comes across as just another way to abuse both of you

Seems very young to behave like this. My mum is a bit like this but she is mid eighties.

At least another year or so before she can afford to move out. Her relationship break up came out of the blue.

I am sure things are harder for DM as she ages. She has never paid any bills or anything. DF did it all and then we took over when he died. She has had a lot done for her, but the more that is done, the more she wants.

I'm nearly her age. I had a hip replacement just under 3 weeks ago. I knew what to expect having had one before and did exercise and physio beforehand. I live on my own, paid for carers to help me with basic stuff for a few days after discharge and went back to remote work after the first week. I've had physio follow up and hope to start driving again next week.

If she was abusive and horrible before she isn't going to improve now. Do what you can and no more. Your sister certainly shouldn't give up work and I hope she can move out as soon as possible.

Could you get social services in to assess her? No one, including your father, has done her any favours in enabling her incompetence.

Don't let your sister give up her job. Then she'll really be trapped there.

Absolutely.

Could you take your sister in for a year, get her away from your abusive mother?

She would never agree to that. My father didn't help the situation but it was a very traditional relationship where he managed all the finances and she focused on the children.

I don't have the space. 3 bedrooms, myself, DH.

DD and DS who are in their teens so I can't expect them to share.

She can't afford to give up her job. She keeps saying no to DM but then DM gets angry and says she needs someone there all the time to help her.

I thought my DM was getting a bit difficult but nothing in comparison to your DM and she is 10 years older. My DM uses a smartphone and a computer, although she does have all sorts of difficulties with both.

I’m not surprised to hear about her reaction to the possibility of depression. Mental health problems are very stigmatized in that generation. My DM was in a terrible state for abnout a year after my dad died and wouldn’t entertain the idea of bereavement counselling- instead she used me as her bereavement counsellor and it nearly broke me.

Regarding the rigidity- do you think that is controlling behaviour or could she be autistic?

That repeatedly talking about people in the past who have hurt her. Sounds annoying. Cognitive decline? Reframing the past to turn herself into a victim when she actually wasn’t?

What was your childhood like? What was she like as a mother before this deterioration?

Sweet Jesus I wouldn’t dream of introducing this woman in to my family home with my children

It sounds as though your mother feels very helpless and stuck. I would focus less on the content of her speech and more on just letting her know she is loved. Judging those that are in decline with mental and physical issues to deal with helps nobody. The truth is of course she needs to get out more and meet people, but I know that’s not always easy.

Well she can pay for carers then. She's just a bully.