to find DM harder to deal with as she gets older?

[olaay]

DM is in her early 70s and I am finding her increasingly difficult to be around.
She lives with my younger sister, who does pretty much everything for her. DM retired at 58 and over the years has gradually stopped doing more and more for herself. She used to drive, now she will not at all and expects to be driven everywhere. She used to use a mobile phone, now she says she cannot because she is old. That phrase gets used for everything now as a reason not to even try.

What I find hard is the mindset. It is very much I am old so I cannot do anything, rather than I will try and adapt. She gets angry if things are not sorted for her quickly, and it feels like everyone is expected to step in and fix things.

She had a hip replacement last year and was advised to exercise, but refuses. She is very rigid generally. If I visit, I have to arrive exactly at the agreed time or she gets upset. No flexibility, no popping in. Everything has to be on her terms. She bought a jumper years ago and wants another one but because she can't find the exact same one, she is upset and angry.

She also constantly goes over the past and talks about how people have hurt her which I struggle with because she was extremely difficult and, honestly, quite abusive to both me and my sister growing up.

My sister gets the worst of it because she lives there. DM is now pushing for her to give up work so she can be at home all the time, which feels really unfair and not healthy for either of them.

Another thing that really gets to me is she keeps saying we do nothing for her. My sister does a huge amount already, and I do try to help where I can, but she often refuses, saying I am too busy with my DC. It feels like whatever we do is either dismissed or not enough.

She has no hobbies, no friends, no interest in doing anything. I do wonder if she is depressed but she completely rejects that idea. Even mentioning it makes her fly into a rage.

I find myself dreading visits and feeling frustrated rather than sympathetic.

My Grandma is the same. Even has drinks at the same time every day. If you ask if she wants a drink at another time she looks at her watch then says no. She has a bath at the same time daily and used to shop at the same time etc.

She has no insight but it does help me be a bit more forgiving.

Agree with this. A friend is picking up the pieces of a FiL who bubble wrapped his wife, her MiL. Not because he loved her but because he thought she was stupid and incapable. Now at 80, overweight and in poor health, she is unmanageable and the one time when she insisted on having control of her finances via a device, she got scammed. My friend is tearing her hair out and has insisted on carers funded from her own money after a recent fall.

You need to get an external source to look at her and explain that you and your sister cannot be permanently be responsible for her. Be prepared for a bit of a battle (from DM) but the social care team are usually quite supportive and understanding of the extended family.

What would your sister do if she didn't have your Mum's to stay at. I'd be thinking of doing that if I were her.
Otherwise it's grey rock and avoid her as much as possible. Be out a lot.
If she starts moaning, asking for jumpers, change the subject. You're unlikely to change her or fix this, detach and protect yourselves.

God op difficult. Mine is 80s hard work. This worked for me good boundaries, saturday visit, vague info was telling her too much. If she gets snotty I dont visit told her I work aswell mid week

Your sister works, presumably full time.

She can rent. She can house share if she can’t afford a studio for herself.
Perhaps you could help her out with a bit of money if need be.

Either way - your sister needs to be your focus

Please God, I never become that person.

Her life has never been hard. It sounds as though she has never worked outside the home and yet she can't even do the basics of looking after herself. She's in her early 70s but behaves as though she is in her 90s. She wasn't just an unkind and uncaring mother, she was abusive and violent. She is a totally crap grandmother. She has no redeeming features whatsoever. Has she ever done a single kind thing? Has she ever said anything amusing or entertaining? Has she ever put another person before herself?

She is someone that most people who avoid like the plague. You owe her absolutely nothing. Can't you just meet up with your sister in a cafe or a restaurant so you don't have to see your mother?

You can ignore your father's request for you to look after your mother. She didn't look after you, she just tormented you and is still doing it.

It isn’t an excuse, but it’s a reason. Simply judging and hating is an easy way out. If your mother was a hip young thing maybe she’d have a diagnosis of BPD to help others not to be punitive in their interpretations of her, who knows.

I think you need to select all on the OPs posts

Maybe she would have a diagnosis of some sort if she was assessed. Even if she did, she has been incredibly cruel to myself and my sister while we were growing up. I don't hate her. I just don't like her at all.

Ok so that’s established.

So what’s your plan? Support your sister and encourage her to get the hell out. House share?

Carry on supporting my sister. I will try and find some places near me where she can live so she is not on her own but gets some breathing space. Then perhaps we can go and see DM together now and again and do any tasks then get out of there quickly.

For me:-

I’d either be getting carers in or looking at her selling her property and moving to a retirement flat with a warden.

My best friend is 10 years younger and the youngest of her brother and sister who though are supportive and pop round occasionally and ring don’t care for their mother. They both have adult children. The brother has his children living with him and a disabled wife and is retired. My friend has had no respite care yet but her sister may have her mum to stay if she goes on holiday. My friend had a stroke about 8 years ago and last year gave up her job as she was being bullied there, she was managed out. Her mum is very nice but now 90 and has heart issues and is almost deaf. She won’t entertain carers (they don’t need one yet), nor a cleaner or outside help apart from decorator and gardener. Her mum loves shopping in the high street but won’t be able to do it forever so my friend goes there a lot. My friend is retraining possibly as a counsellor or other therapist and researching courses but her mum gives her no time free to do this. My friend has said she will have to go out to a cafe for a morning to do this. Her mum wants to go to Lourdes this year (pilgrimage) but my friend is scarred by this as her job was for a diocese and she doesn’t want to step foot in church yet. Luckily my friend has a few close friends she can see like me and we go out regularly. But it would be very easy for her mum to want her all to herself. The thing is I don’t think her mum realises what she’s doing. She’s lovely and fairly independent just relies a lot, on her youngest daughter for day to day life. Appointments they go to together as her mum can’t manage by herself.

Just a warning here to OP’s sister or anyone else. Thank god my mum has my stepdad who’s 10 years younger!

And be absolutely crystal clear that under no circumstances does she give up her job!

I fully sympathise. I disliked my mother too, she was awful. My sister went NC and I don’t blame her. I saw it as a failiure in my mother, faulty wiring. And of course it damaged me, but nobody would choose of their own free will to have children and be a bad parent. So.. that’s where I’m coming from, it’s just my point of view.. I don’t get satisfaction from reproaching her in my head. Each to their own.

My fathers autism has become MUCH more apparent as his dementia has got worse, he really really clings to routines and gets very distressed if they change or if he thinks things have changed because he's forgotten what happened earlier in the day.

He also won't try anything new or indeed anything he used to enjoy in the past but didn't really have time for, which is frustrating as there is a lot he COULD do but he tells himself he won't like it (bird watching for example, he is ideally placed to have bird tables in front of most windows and where he sits in the garden, and he can see well enough, but no, won't entertain it now. Drawing is another, he used to be very very good... won't contemplate it)...

...but then demands to be entertained and by that what he actually means is have someone listen to him ramble on about how hard life is and how boring we all are (because he can't stand to have us actually tell him anything of our own lives)...

Any deviation from the 'lunch, nap, pub, dominoes/pool, dinner, bed' routine is met with negativity and derison.

At least he IS accepting he needs daily help and that help may be from a non-family member though, as at one point we feared he wouldn't accept that at all.

I don't really have any answers and as she's abusive I would honestly recommend you stay away and do whatever you can to get your sister out of it too.

this woman didn’t have dementia when she was violently beating you throughout your childhood and teens? She didn’t have dementia when she was treating you like utter shit decades did she?

So personally i would not give a flying fig if she’s ridden with dementia.

You can't change her; you can change your responses to her, whether that means seeing her a lot less, or getting better at saying no to her (and ending the visit if she becomes abusive). Support your sister in whatever way you can in moving out, and then try to agree with her what your approach to DM will be, and always present a united front. Agree what you'll do and what you won't, and stick to it. You can, if you choose, say "no, I am not going to pay your bills / buy your clothes / whatever" and tell her it's time to learn to do it herself. You can make things dependent on something else, eg no handling her finances if she doesn't allow POA. You can let her tantrum all she likes, shrug and go home. You could even tell her why ("because you were a crap abusive mother"). It really is up to you. But you'll find it easier when you don't feel guilty about your sister having to absorb most of her crap. Plan your strategy together.

Shocking you even intend to visit her at all
Shocking your employed sister isn’t taking on a house share rather than live with this vile abuser
and shocking that your sister and you didn’t fall about laughing when the abuser said tour sister should give up her job