to find DM harder to deal with as she gets older?

[olaay]

DM is in her early 70s and I am finding her increasingly difficult to be around.
She lives with my younger sister, who does pretty much everything for her. DM retired at 58 and over the years has gradually stopped doing more and more for herself. She used to drive, now she will not at all and expects to be driven everywhere. She used to use a mobile phone, now she says she cannot because she is old. That phrase gets used for everything now as a reason not to even try.

What I find hard is the mindset. It is very much I am old so I cannot do anything, rather than I will try and adapt. She gets angry if things are not sorted for her quickly, and it feels like everyone is expected to step in and fix things.

She had a hip replacement last year and was advised to exercise, but refuses. She is very rigid generally. If I visit, I have to arrive exactly at the agreed time or she gets upset. No flexibility, no popping in. Everything has to be on her terms. She bought a jumper years ago and wants another one but because she can't find the exact same one, she is upset and angry.

She also constantly goes over the past and talks about how people have hurt her which I struggle with because she was extremely difficult and, honestly, quite abusive to both me and my sister growing up.

My sister gets the worst of it because she lives there. DM is now pushing for her to give up work so she can be at home all the time, which feels really unfair and not healthy for either of them.

Another thing that really gets to me is she keeps saying we do nothing for her. My sister does a huge amount already, and I do try to help where I can, but she often refuses, saying I am too busy with my DC. It feels like whatever we do is either dismissed or not enough.

She has no hobbies, no friends, no interest in doing anything. I do wonder if she is depressed but she completely rejects that idea. Even mentioning it makes her fly into a rage.

I find myself dreading visits and feeling frustrated rather than sympathetic.

Yes life was very different for her but we all have to accept changes in life whether we like it or not. She is trying to keep everything in her life exactly the same but it is just causing her more stress. She keeps telling me to buy her jumper she bought over 40 years ago. Surprisingly it is no longer available. No other jumper will do. It has to be that same one.

She won't agree but then she couldn't cope if everything fell apart. It would affect my sister too as she lives there.

Thank you. I will check this out.

It was just us.

She tantrummed, she bad mouthed us to other people but ultimately what other power did she have.

Emotionally immature people learn to use other people’s empathy to get their needs met. Ultimately if you are going to address that you are going to have to expect that they won’t like it and learn to be okay with that. I think for many people that feeding of not being liked anymore can feel a bit like a rejection or abandonment and it can be really tough to deal with but with support it can be tolerated and that changes everything.

The person I’m talking to still engages in the exact same behaviour with everyone else but she has learned she can no longer get away with the behaviour with us and has adjusted accordingly.

So your mum was physically violent to you? You have said that she and your dad had a very traditional marriage where he worked and she looked after the children. Was she abusive to you and your sister throughout your childhood? If so, I have no idea why you are bending over backwards to help her. She sounds like an utterly toxic person and she expects you and your sister to wait on her hand and foot even though she has been a terrible mother to you both and still is.

Yes she was physically abusive to both of us throughout our childhoods. She is still emotionally and verbally abusive to us now. My dad asked us to look after her before he died.

Your focus should be on encouraging your sister to massively withdraw from an abusive and deeply unpleasant woman who has always been like this.

So? Your dad must have been a passive bystander to this vicious an ongoing abuse . Who cares what he said. You shouldn’t.

He would tell her off when she abused us and took our side. But it wasn't enough to make her stop.

Tell her off? Well that was big of him. Didn’t stop an entire childhood of violence though did it?

Anyway - it sounds like you can’t see the wood for the trees on this. Your mother shouldn’t be your focus. Supporting and getting your sister out should be.

100%. You can’t help your mother, she doesn’t want you to help her. She wants to make demands you cannot meet.

The financial/POA situation is a big red flag. At some point she’s going to accuse you and/or your sister of stealing from her. Please stop managing her finances so that she cannot do this to you.

You may be able to help your sister, and you sound like you two have a good relationship, so focus your energy on that.

Focus on supporting your sister to get free of her. You shouldn't be managing her bills without POA anyway. She's already shown the capacity to make malicious unfounded allegations.

Well you're obviously giving her too much effort and time if you are this annoyed by her?
If you had 0 contact with her none of this would be an issue.
Don't understand why you allow her so much energy. Either dont visit or dont pick up the phone to someone who abused you. At some point continuing to engage is your choice.

Because you don't know any different, you can't see how utterly bananas it seems to the rest of us that you even talk to this complete monster.

I think the only way for you to heal and see things with clear eyes is probably therapy. Get some asap! And in the meantime support your sister with things like a few nights on your sofa to escape her abuser as much as possible.

I'm in the same age bracket at the mother. What a selflish attitude she shows.

Your mother is choosing to become old, very young. She may have may years to regret that.

I hope your sister can get out soon, and I'm afraid I would be having as little to do with her as possible, if I were you or your sister. The way she is treating you two is atrocious.

I'm coming up 55, had a stroke just over two years ago, struggle with depression and anxiety, and general ill health, perimenopause, weight gain, etc. This is not a reason to expect and demand to load everything that I don't want to do on everyone else's shoulders at my beck and call. And she has to take some responsibility for her own physical and mental health, no one else can do that work for her, and it's her who is going to live with the consequences if she doesn't.

cant your sister stay witj you untip
sje gets oj jwr feet? Anything rather than being your mums skivvy!

Do you think she could be autistic? Just thinking of the rigid mindset and fixation on the jumper. Not that it excuses anything anyway just a thought. I have older family members a bit like this but older than your DM. It’s really exhausting so YANBU.

She will need at least a year to get back om her feet financially.

I am in a three bed with DH, teen DD and DS.

We have two rooms downstairs - kitchen and sitting room - open plan. If she did stay then she would have be in the sitting room to be converted into a bedroom which would only leave the rest of us the kitchen downstairs. It wouldn't be fair on the DC.

Is your sister unemployed?

Thank you.

It sounds like your approach was successful which is very encouraging to hear.

I suspect she is autistic. She is very wedded to routines. She has to have a bath on the same day. I am not allowed to visit on days when it is bath day or laundry day. My sister has to take her shopping to the same supermarket on the same day at the same time every week. She is always talking about how hard life is even though she has no financial worries. My sister looks after everything and manages anything such as the washing machine breaking down etc. She never has to deal with any tradespeople.

Who gives a hoot whether she’s autistic or not! It is utterly irrelevant.

She is a nasty abusive, violent woman. And always had been. It’s not brain science. She’s a crap mother and a crap human being.

Her mother is pressuring her to give up her job.

So… the Op sole focus needs
to be on supporting her sister and encouraging her to not jack in her job!! It’s a no brainer