to find DM harder to deal with as she gets older?

[olaay]

DM is in her early 70s and I am finding her increasingly difficult to be around.
She lives with my younger sister, who does pretty much everything for her. DM retired at 58 and over the years has gradually stopped doing more and more for herself. She used to drive, now she will not at all and expects to be driven everywhere. She used to use a mobile phone, now she says she cannot because she is old. That phrase gets used for everything now as a reason not to even try.

What I find hard is the mindset. It is very much I am old so I cannot do anything, rather than I will try and adapt. She gets angry if things are not sorted for her quickly, and it feels like everyone is expected to step in and fix things.

She had a hip replacement last year and was advised to exercise, but refuses. She is very rigid generally. If I visit, I have to arrive exactly at the agreed time or she gets upset. No flexibility, no popping in. Everything has to be on her terms. She bought a jumper years ago and wants another one but because she can't find the exact same one, she is upset and angry.

She also constantly goes over the past and talks about how people have hurt her which I struggle with because she was extremely difficult and, honestly, quite abusive to both me and my sister growing up.

My sister gets the worst of it because she lives there. DM is now pushing for her to give up work so she can be at home all the time, which feels really unfair and not healthy for either of them.

Another thing that really gets to me is she keeps saying we do nothing for her. My sister does a huge amount already, and I do try to help where I can, but she often refuses, saying I am too busy with my DC. It feels like whatever we do is either dismissed or not enough.

She has no hobbies, no friends, no interest in doing anything. I do wonder if she is depressed but she completely rejects that idea. Even mentioning it makes her fly into a rage.

I find myself dreading visits and feeling frustrated rather than sympathetic.

I have wondered whether she is autistic. She is very black and white about things.

I am not sure if it is cognitive decline, depression or just ruminating. She forgets all the bad things she did to other people. On my 16th birthday, she hit me so hard I fell to the ground yet it is everyone else who treats her badly.

Very interested in your experience. How did your relative react? Was everyone on board or was it just you who changed your approach?

We have one in my family. Driving her offspring to distraction and I'm getting it from both sides. She is impossible to comfort in any small way.

Won't contact friends, won't get therapy, won't entertain antidepressants, won't use pain relief. My sympathy goes out to @olaay.

If you're dealing with all her bills do you and your sister have POA?

I’m my experience older people just do get like this. It needs a huge amount of patience. I’ve always worked with children of various ages, my family have often commented how patient and how kindly I speak to the older generation in our family, but that’s because I talk to them like they are 5. Plus as with the children, especially when you learn as a teacher, you can’t always “answer them back “. My tuning out skills are beyond excellent. My ability to not answer or not comment is out of this world. On the other hand my uncle in his late 70s is so frustrated , rude and bored of any family member above him and he doesn’t have any patience with them.

unfortunately (even as I have found) retirement does make you slower. I don’t approach things at 100mph anymore because I don’t have to. I retired 2 years ago and initially I spent every day being busy, sorting my house, going shopping….because it was absolute joy and novelty all built into one. I still also had that “busy “ mindset. 2 years on, I rarely go out, I’ve settled into a new routine that doesn’t involve rushing, going out, the shops hold no interest to me…pottering around is my all time favourite. Does that make old!? I’m not sure ….if it does, I don’t care. Although admittedly I’m not rude to my kids or grandkids, I enjoy them visiting me. In fact I’m waiting now for some of my lot to pop in.

i no longer drive but that’s a different example, I have a back problem. I only drive if I have to and the longer I don’t drive, the less I want to. I went out yesterday for the first time in about 4 days to go to Tesco briefly. Hated every minute of driving there and won’t need to again for a while. We can never know how being old feels until we get there sadly

Oh FFS

Shes not a nice person. Shes a crap mother. Always has been, always will. It’s just getting even worse with age.

i wouldn’t even consider moving her on. I wouldn’t have her around my children and I’d limit my interaction to the bare minimum

Childhood was awful. She was irritable a lot of the time. She would blame me and my sister for things we hadn't done. She was emotionally and physically abusive to both of us. My dad would tell her off for the way she treated us but she would just do it when he was not there. She looks back and thinks she was a really good mother.

She has said I am not a good mum because I didn't hit my DC when they were young but she wanted me to when they misbehaved. I would tell her I would handle it my own way. Then she would take this as an insult to the way she brought us up.

I’m sure other people have said it, but that needs strongly encouraging ASAP
I lived with my mother for six weeks in 1999
It took over two years for both of us to get over that

No she would not agree to POA. She lets us sort out the bills because she can't do it herself but then she is constantly scared we are going to steal her money.

We can never know how being old feels until we get there sadly

I think this is true. Surely it can't be an excuse for treating others around you badly?

Why are you giving her so much effort and time if she was so abusive?

pp asked if OP could have her sister stay, not her mother.

you need someone here all the time - I can’t afford to give up work - I’ll arrange a social services assessment to get you what you need.

if she says no - tough - she gets in with things herself then.

do not let her blackmail and emotionally manipulate you or your sister into doing things for her.

this will only get worse and you can’t enable this behaviour . She will destroy your lives if you pander to her ever request.

put your foot down. Say no. If she has a tantrum about not getting her own way - treat it like a toddler - walk away and don’t react - she has to start learning that throwing her weight around doesn’t get her her own way.

you and your sister do what you want to support her - do not feel obligated to join her in her demise - statutory services exist and she can pay for care if she ‘needs’ it.

Oh no of course not, no one would should be treated badly. I’m supposed I’m badly saying that mostly there’s more to it than one sees when they’re young. Your mum and I lived in a different time, a different age, a different generation. Life was very different for us. As an example I hate having all the apps on my phone for simple things like banking, booking a show etc. it’s not our generation.,but of course, no one needs to be rude

Tell her unless she grants POA to you and your sister you won't be able to deal with her finances going forward. POA provides protection to the donor anyway ( I'm sure you're not stealing her money).

No it isn't. Plenty of people manage to get older without becoming abusive bullies.

Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

Well said.

People are all different. I cope with technology and I'm fine with apps. I don't choose to get stuck in what was normal as I grew up.

What do you mean by "moving her on?"

I've read all OP's posts and didn't see her contemplating moving her mother anywhere.

With that kind of mindset she will inevitably accelerate ageing, your sister may well end up in a caring role the longer she lives with her.
Very difficult.

There are a lot of people on this thread making excuses for your DM, but she sounds monstrous to me. She was abusive when you were a child and she's being abusive and manipulative now, no surprise there since people's worst character traits often become even more pronounced with age, but it must be horrible to have to deal with. I echo the question about autism as she seems to have many traits that could be autistic. Early 70s is very young to so rigid, controlling and insistent that she's old and cannot do anything for herself any more. Not that a diagnosis (even a suspected one) makes any difference, unless you can seek advice based on your suspicions?

I understand that there are women in that generation (my DM is one of them) who always left the household finances up to their husband, so not being able to manage bills is not so difficult to understand. However, giving up driving at this stage is very odd IMO and I don't know anyone from that generation who has given up driving so early unless there was a medical reason for doing so - and it doesn't sound like there is with your DM.

I feel for both you and your DSis - your DM sounds absolutely awful and I can't stand selfish people who wallow. Your DSis should, if anything, work as much as she can so she can save up faster and get the hell out of there! There is absolutely no need for your DM to have 24-hour care so her suggestion that your DSis gives up work to take care of her is, I suspect, part and parcel of her autism/depression/manipulativeness/selfishness (it's hard to tell which or combination thereof!)

Sounds worse than my DM. She's actually really young in the scheme of things and you might have many more years of this learned helplessness.

I found this podcast helpful. It makes a distinction between dementia (very different) to older people who are difficult, probably always were but now more so!

How to talk to difficult older people...

Ruminating is a common feature of autism and I suspect also abusive people. She sounds complicated!

You had/have a narcissistic mother, she’s not going to get any better with age. She sounds controlling and demanding with not much appreciation that you and your sister also have your own lives. She might have some cognitive decline but it sounds more that she just demands and expects rather than being incapable herself. She is still quite ‘young’. You both might have to set some boundaries with her and perhaps your sister should move out before she gets stuck there. Your mother could live for another 20 years.

Why do you think I am? I visit maybe every 6 weeks mostly to try and give my sister a break.