AIBU to keep seeing friends DH wants to phase out?

[OliveBee26]

There is a couple who I really like - would call them good friends of mine - and our toddler sons love playing together often.

However my husband wants us to drop them as friends as he 'can't stand' the bloke, and is pretty ambivalent towards her.

He says the guy in particular is selfish and domineering, and doesn't care about others in conversation. I know he hcvas a strong personality but for me it is well within the realm of normal, they have plenty of other friends and I just like spending time with them.

Anyway my husband wants to phase them out as friends and I don't. I sometimes see them on my own but he says he would rather do other things as a family in that time. He thinks it's not fair to see them regularly if only one of us is invested in the friendship. I am happy to see them less, we kind of already do, but I think it is a bit extreme to have to drop them altogether.

AIBU to keep inviting them to stuff? This is causing some arguments between us. DH not totally antisocial, has other people he likes and wants to see more. But sometimes he takes a strong dislike to people, this happened with another friend of mine once but they don't have kids so it is less complicated!

Also he says it is no big deal for our son, he has other friends too. He has nothing against their toddler lol

? What is all that about ...

Your husband sounds pretty domineering himself, trying to dictate who you can and can't see. Perhaps that's why he doesn't like this man: too much like looking in the mirror.

I know a family so like the one you describe I’m wondering if they’re the same 😅
I agree with PP to try to steer it more towards mums and kids, and perhaps occasionally (like once or twice a year) invite to a bigger group event. Surely your husband can tolerate the other man for a few hours every few months?

You say there are others - just how many of your friends does he dislike and not want you spending time with…..?

Quite controlling isn't he?

What has the guy actually said that your dh dislikes so much? Surely that’s relevant here

so he is telling you who you can be friends because the friend is domineering and controlling. Does he realise the irony? Or is controlling fine if he is doing the controlling ?

There is a couple who I really like - would call them good friends of mine - and our toddler sons love playing together often.However my husband wants us to drop them as friends as he 'can't stand' the bloke, and is pretty ambivalent towards her.He says the guy in particular is selfish and domineering

You have friends who you really like and who both have a son who gets on with your son.It's your husband who doesn't want to see them. Not you. Therefore, you (and your son) should continue to see them. Leave your husband at home.

They are both my friends, not just her. DH thinks if I keep seeing them it keeps them close and then he will have to see them more (which is kind of true)

DH thinks if you keep seeing them it keeps them close and he will have to see them more.

No.

If you keep seeing them, they keep being your support system and friends. If you dont see them, you may lose contact with people who have not done anything to you.

Please don't allow that to happen OP. You don't have to have the same friends as your husband. You are allowed your own. But I'd also ask you this... you said your husband said that the male friend is domineering. In which way? Because you've not given any examples of how your male friend is domineering but a husband keeping his wife from seeing his friends may be considered one.

Please make sure you keep seeing them, if that is what you want. Keep your support. system close.

He thinks the guy is "selfish and domineering" whilst also dictating to you and your son who you can hang around with.... How ironic.
I don't think he can dictate who you see on your own. I also think if you have a group over for bbqs or a party, people tend to fade into the background a bit and it should be easy for him to ignore. Is there any other reason he has such a massive bee in his bonnet about this? I totally get not really gelling with people but to say that you can't see them alone as there's a risk he might end up seeing them- and he used to happily be friends with them!? It's a bit odd.
I'd try and see if he has a more legit reason but if it's just "I don't like him anymore" I'd still see them, have the kids see each other and then limit group things and I would (out of respect for dh) stop organising things as a 4. He's entitled to not hang out 1 on 1/2 on 2 but he can't stop you if you like them.

I’m probably going to be too blunt here:
”Family time” (cited often on MN as when a person is doing some in their free time/non-working hours that isn’t purely and exclusively with their partner and child/ren) is not obligatory for every minute or even most of one’s free time.
It’s stifling and depressing not having independence and friends or activities outside of that immediate family unit. It’s become like some sort of shovel to clobber people who don’t go exactly what their (controlling) partner wants.
Family time is a good thing when it’s freely shared and enjoyed or spent dealing with necessities.

And this other couple - I’d tell my DH to tell the “domineering” man himself that he doesn’t want him at parties/in the house. Your husband was purportedly friends with them too, changed his mind.. he can speak to them. I bet it’s not as easy as he thinks.

I would be careful OP - your husband sounds controlling. The other man might be a PITA but so are lots of people and it’s very unfair to try to stop you being around that family just because he doesn’t like this guy.

Your husband has no right to tell you who you can and can’t be friends with. Not all friends are shared.

I think some replies are missing what feels like a big part of the problem - OP would have to start excluding the couple from group bbqs etc to comply with DH ruling - that would probably be noticeable and cause upset and issues. I'd be hurt if parties I'd previously been invited to then started to exclude me, so OP can't just carry on as normal without the DH.

Don't know what the solution is though OP! You both have a reasonable stance in a way - he wants to enjoy gatherings free of this bloke, you want them to be at gatherings.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

He doesn't like these people, especially the husband, and has given a good reason why. I wouldn't want to invite a domineering man to my house. I sympathise with him, too - you tend to give acquaintances the benefit of the doubt but sometimes a penny just drops and you realise they're not nervous or tipsy or having an off day, they're just like that all the time and you don't like it.

You should be free to socialise with them whenever you please outside of your house (or at least when your husband isn't there). "Family time" is a ridiculous concept to ringfence in the first place but even so there are surely ample socialising opportunities for you while still preserving time with your family.

It might be awkward to phase them out of group invites but you'll just have to plough on and do it because it's the only real compromise.

Fine for you to see them but don't inflict them on your husband.

I’ve been in a similar situation although it was the wife my DH didn’t like. I wanted to carry on meeting up for our DD’s sake as they had similarly aged daughters and were generally ‘up’ for doing anything. I did, not listening to his points really, and excusing the wife’s behaviour, which was quite controlling and rude at times. Boy was he right. After several years I saw what he meant and the relationship ended quite abruptly when I’d had enough. Then my DD told me that ‘the daughters were ok but sort of weird’ and out came all these stories of their ‘weirdness’ 😂

Agreed. There is nothing wrong with one parent choosing to spend time with their child without the other parent.

Your husband says the guy is selfish and domineering but sees nothing wrong in trying to tell you that you shouldn’t be friends with them! Sounds like he is being selfish and domineering too.
If you like them keep seeing them. It’s harder to make good friends as you get older and good for your child too.