15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

[Peoplearereallyweird]

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

You def need to watch the whole video - he's def done something if he's damaged the exhaust - question is what. I just hope it's nothing that has damaged anyone else's property too.

Re. the exhaust, he should be doing chores in order to pay off the repairs.

Also, worth getting a steering wheel lock!

He’s complained about the sanctions so far, what does he consider the punishment should be? It might be worth asking, not as a negotiation just as a conversation about the seriousness of this.

He wasn't excluded and an SEMH school is a type of SEND specialist placement - you cannot get one without an ECHP. You're thinking of a PRU (Pupil Referal Unit) for children who have been expelled. Traditional ASD schools said they could not meet need due to the additional SEMH needs. I am pleased for you that your children "wouldn't dream" of doing what my son has but as you should know, every single ASD/ADHD/SEND child is different, not that it makes his actions any better.

You aren’t being harsh. His attitude stinks and I think your plan is very sensible and balanced

He's settled down on it now because I've explained (again) that this isn't a consequence because he's messed around at school or snuck a drink, what he's done is a real legal crime, with real legal rammifications. I then left him alone to think and he's come to me and genuinely apologised and said he realises what he has done is dangerous. He knows once I speak to school on Monday, that the rest is out of my hands with regards to the other consequences from social services and the police. I am looking at house security cameras as we speak, we already have a safe for the car keys, looking at specialised window locks, crook lock for car and whatever else we need to do from that stand point, so if if anyone has ideas I may not have thought of, I'm all ears!

It must be a shock but also a very cool teenage thing to do.
I mean it takes initiative, guts and go get to do something like that.

Talk to him about stealing etc but also rest assured your ds is a force of nature and that is a good thing.

There are more words in the opening post about DS's needs than about the potential disaster of what he could have inflicted on others, and I'm just fed up and weary of the idea that having particular needs and conditions and labels are a wholesale cover up for a basic lack of civic responsibility.
Parent him and report him to the police, at least that way you can be sure he'll think twice about doing it again, and at least that way we can all feel slightly safer as legitimate road users.

Well done OP. Sounds like a plan. Nipping it in the bud.

what a thing to have to come home to. Get yourself nice bottle of wine, some chocolate and try to have a chilled Saturday night and carry out your plan when school opens on Monday.

You are not unreasonable to be upset and horrified.

You would be unreasonable to report your son to the police in my view. And just as unreasonable to bring friends into it who might then have a conflict over what they need to do. That’s just passing the responsibility to deal with this onto someone else.

And to people wondering how the boy can drive, my DS is a competitive go karter and has also had lots of track days/driving experience days. He could easily get into a car and drive it. Probably better than I can. He already scores 100 per cent every time he has a look at a mock theory test too. So far my trust that he wouldn’t go off and drive, even though he could do so, has not been misplaced. But I am not complacent about it.

OP, a really serious conversation needs to be had. Your DA has behaved really badly, but 15 is a very tricky age. I hope you find a way through the gravity of this without involving the police.

Certainly better and cooler than video game zombies. It's real life, yes dangerous yes lessons must be learned, send him also to first aid training and talk about impulse control. In the 80s we did a lot worse.

Yes, you’re right I am thinkinh of a Pru, in our area the two are often the same setting but with the pru students attending at different sessions to the semh students

However, I genuinely think there is a pattern of minimising his behaviour which has led to this. My oldest was diagnosed with adhd at 4 and I always anticipated him getting involved in county lines and pinching cars because most of the youth that get involved in crime at a young age have have extra needs blah blah …. I compensated by being very strict and having the absolute firmest of boundaries. If he’d caused an accident and someone had got hurt the outcome isn’t changed because they have asd and the courts don’t take this into consideration when sentencing.

there are lots on this thread that say he’ll grow up and it will be a one off but he doesn’t actually realise, or care about, the seriousness of his actions. And, honestly, you don’t seem to understand the seriousness of his continued poor behaviour and he’s becoming extremely vulnerable to engaging in other criminal activity, county lines etc.

I say this in the tone of tough love, your parenting is not working and you need support to manage this teen.

I think handling this in the right way could have the outcome that ops son is an excellent citizen. More kids need gumption.

Truly think you are making a mistake in reporting it to school. But there you go. I suspect the tide of opinion is against me.

Highlighting his relevant issues for relevant background info is important in my opinion but please, feel free to point out in any of my posts where I have excused what he has done because of his SEND needs?

Read the OPs posts.

agree - blood hell - this is a teenage crazy moment - deal with it yourself. force him to do a first aid course to teach empathy and thinking of consequences. leave school and cops out, teenagers are designed to do shit like this.

There is nothing cool about risking the lives and potentially the livelihoods of other people. He had no idea when he went out that he would not endanger others. He was sneaky, he went out once he knew Granny was asleep.
Guts and get go for me are someone who applies initiative to law abiding activities.

I couldn't agree more with this. For fuck sake he could have killed someone!!!

I was hit by a car whilst riding my horse and run over when I hit the ground when my daughter was 4 months old by a blind old man who shouldn't have been driving because he had poor eyesight. He didn't see me. He very nearly killed me. He DID kill my horse. If I had been pushing the pram, like I was in that exact spot the day before, he would have killed my baby. I've been left with PTSD, I can't let my daughter walk down a country lane because I'm terrified of her being killed. I obviously grieved my equine friend.

People had the audacity to feel sorry for him because the poor little old man looked shocked!! He refused to perform the site test at the scene for police because he knew he wouldn't pass and he knew he shouldn't have been driving because his doctor told him so!

Shit drivers, irresponsible selfish people RUIN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. It doesn't matter what fucking conditions they've got it doesn't bring back the people they mow down!!!

@Bridgertonisbest I mean clearly it's not working but would disagree (or definitely my Mum would as she thinks I'm too strict sometimes) that we minimise his behaviour. The trouble is, when you have a child witj extreme demand avoidance, there isn't always a great deal that works. Removing electronics, grounding, no phone, no socials - none of it has worked to curb the downward spiral he seems to be in.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce @strategysu I actually don't have much choice, it would put my family member who works there in a very awkward position and I'd rather they heard it from us first before hearing the boys talking about it. Not that I think it would change anything to be fair - we clearly need more support with his escalation. He is indeed a very bright boy and if he put half as much effort into his studies as he does messing about, he would flourish

@ValhallaCalling I am sorry that happened to you but again - where do I excuse or condone what he's done because of his diasgnosis? It is relevant to explain due to the impulse control issues which are more than a typical teen, but I have also said he knew full well it was wrong, so he needs to face the consequences. You don't think I'm aware he could've killed someone? Maybe read all of my posts before coming at me

Are you for real? Was the blind old man who ran into a PP on her horse also a force of nature and cool because he didn’t let being old and not being able to see stop him? FFS! Stealing a car, driving without a licence or insurance, and driving dangerously is a lot of things, but one thing it isn’t is cool.

OP, I think you’re doing the right thing speaking to the school. In my area the police and fire service have videos they show teens - not pleasant but gets across the message.

Maybe one way to get him to think about the seriousness of what he did, is to ask him what he thinks would be a suitable punishment?

He did all that, sure. And in the future if handled well, he apply that amazing initiative to saving lives or doing other amazing feats more meek kids wouldn't dare.

What is wrong with you?!

As a future deterrent get a steering wheel lock for the car and if you go away again put it on and take the key with you so he can’t drive the car again