15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

[Peoplearereallyweird]

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

Agreed that it's a small mercy from what I've seen so far, in that he wasn't tearing around the streets like a typical "joy ride" definitely no friend in with him, but I don't know if this makes me feel worse if I'm honest. He just went for a drive because he could and that is scary as hell

OP don't beat yourself up, it happened.

It's bad but nobody was injured and it's reckless rather than intentionally violent, so you have something to work with.
He's already 15 and in 3 years, he will not jeed your permission to drive. His behaviour might not have improved spectacularly in 3 years.

As for the idiots asking how he can drive, it's probably an automatic and with children playing so many simulation games these days, it's not hard at all. Of course he can drive. Computer games require more coordination.

I would personally warn the police as you will be liable for tge driving offences he committed, and increasingly parents are being held legally responsible for hiding their children's behaviour.
And it will make him realise just how serious this is.

Good luck, you're actually doing all the right things.

I would definitely would not want to do it, but I would inform the police and provide the dash cam evidence.

He is 15, but if he doesn't take it seriously and feels that he has gotten away with doing this, then what will he choose to do next? Especially if he knows that mum and dad will go easy on him or try to mitigate his wrong doing.

He needs to know that both you and your partner/husband are not going to look the other way when he does wrong.

I think their needs to be consequences sufficient to breakdown his attitude and hopefully impress upon he cannot just do whatever he feels like and get away with it.

I know that mine is not a popular view, but I would not want to have my son grow up and know that he the kind of person who can't be trusted to do the right thing when no one is watching.

@Peoplearereallyweird, I just wanted to add some support. You are handling an extremely difficult situation bery well. It's not surprising that you feel tearful; you must be in a state of shock. I agree that getting the police to spell out, in no uncertain terms, exactly why his behaviour was so potentially dangerous would be an excellent idea. As he is at a special school, l think they need to know what has happened. He will not be the first or the last pupil they have had to have done this. Not one person is making excuses for his disabilities but severe ADHD and teenage boys, coupled with autism, is horrendous mix. You will all get through this, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment and you are definitely not a failure as a mother because you have obviously had fifteen years of trying to get him the help he desperately needs.

Ignore some of the shitty comments, you are navigating a very challenging situation and you aren’t minimising it.

He sounds lucky to have you as a mum 💐

I do think you need to involve the police, the fact that so many SEN schools have refused him due to his defiance he needs the authority shock now. It looks like his defiance is escalating.

How has he reacted since you got back?

Teach him how to drive or he will crash the car next time. He sounds very bright, not in the common sense arena, but 15 year old males don't have common sense, yet, they won't for another decade. He needs more enrichment, activities, hobbies, classes he's interested in, sports, all of the above and all of it asap. He's bored. Explain to him that if he takes the car out again and is caught the authorities will take away the car. That should curtail the spontaneous driving.

You are welcome

Dont call the police, it will be on his record for life! My child dud something similar and needed a police check recently (aged 42) and it was detailed there.

He did well up a bit last night after I'd calmed down somewhat to talk rather than rant at him. Has said sorry to his Nan and us, but he knows just saying sorry can't and won't cut it this time.

Will it?
Are driving offences different?

I was caught underage drinking at 16. I was told that if I didn't drink underage again my record would be wiped clean at 18, and it was.

Would you have said the same if he’d killed an entire family, child and baby?

Are you calling the police?

A chat with a police officer will not necessarily initiate a criminal record. They can be given to shock the young person and to seek to curtail any wayward behaviour from a repeat or getting worse. I would not dismiss enquiring.
His condition cannot excuse what he has done. Don’t allow it to. He cannot grow up thinking that because he has a condition it permits him to do things that are illegal.

Not an automatic, so I am going to have to get the gearbox looked at when the exhaust is done, just to make sure he hasn't knackered that too. He will of course be paying for it.

How does he know how to drive a car at 15

Believe me loads of teenage lads do, it's aways boys. I have never come across a teen girl stealing a car yet. There will be cases but in nearly 40 years every case its always been a male.

I dont know how they know. We have had so many over the years sneak out and take a staff members car from the residential unit thst I never park my car near the place.

We have loads of referrals over the years for teen boys around 14 yo 15 yo come to us and car theft is one of the concerns.

The youngest we had was 11.
Ive heard of them stealing keys from staff to get in jut that cant be everytime so im not sure how they steal the car though.

I don’t think you should tell the police this time, but I do think you need to make him realise how serious this is and take steps to make sure it never happens again.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by going on holiday, please don’t beat yourself up.

I will be speaking with school on Monday first regarding the school police liaison officer. If that is not something that can be done, then I don't see what other choice we have. Actions have consequences and some will think I'm harsh and won't agree but I cannot and will not allow this to be the start of repeat offences. I may have had reservations but he's just complained to me that I've "taken everything" because I won't let him have his phone to listen to music and because I won't let him go to the gym. He just doesn't get how serious this is.

I think it’s because of gaming.

Not quite the same but we took our teen DS clay pigeon shooting. Never held an actual gun before and he didn’t miss one shot, even when they started launching double ones.

I guess all the time gaming must develop quite a lot of skills.

oh do behave! He’s at a semh school!

I’ve got two boys with autism and adhd and both were in a special school for autistic children (not semh). Semh schools are usually for children who have been excluded.

They wouldn’t have dreamt of pinching my car for a joy ride! Quite frankly it would have opened the gates of hell for them. They’d have things confiscated if the school had to phone me about their behaviour. Ffs, they’d lose their games console if they weren’t ready on time for the school bus!

I don't think so. This was happening in the 70s long before gaming and cars were more difficult to drive then - manual choke and no power steering.

Yes, good call. He needs to realise he is in no position to complain !

Interested you didn’t think to hide car keys?
I have two boys and often went away with dh and their grandad would stay.
Not once did I think to hide my keys when they were 14-16 and one of them was car mad. Still is in fact he us doing something car related this minute with his dad.
I think even if he was on a plan and in an alternative education school it wouldn't have crossed my mind.

I think it’s because of gaming.
I think there is something in that @Franpie.
The numbers of car stealing in that age range definitely seems to have vastly increased in the last 15 years. Or so It certainly wasn't an issue when I started my career working with young people.

I think you should let him go to the gym so he has an outlet. If he's stuck at home with no phone, is there a risk he'll start breaking things out of frustration?

You must have been so shocked op. Who expects their 15 yr old to take their car out driving in the middle of the night? You couldn't have anticipated that.

It's fine to let your kid do young driver experiences. It's fine to leave your kids with their grandparents for a few nights. It's fine to leave your car keys in their usual place.

This is a totally unpredictable thing your ds has done.

Where do you go from here? School and school police officer sounds like a sensible start to me. We have a community police officer in our school and she's fab.

I don't know what the consequences for him would be with the police but I wouldn't want to ignore it and have a speeding fine or something come through the post and it all escalates if they somehow find out who's driving.