Dad going out on his parenting time

[Christlmt]

At my sons uncle's funeral, I heard my ex's friends asking him if he wants to go out tonight and what he was doing - he asked where and I didn't really hear the rest.

He only has our son 4 nights a month (every other weekend), and tonight is his weekend (so he will have him 2 nights this weekend).

Our son is due to turn 2 next month. He never looks after him alone, always with his mum.

Am I wrong for wanting to ask him if he goes out on his parenting time once our son goes to bed and asking why?

In my mind, this is not fair on his mum (who has never and will say say no to him), but more so not fair on our son should he wake up and want his dad who he only sees 4 days a month. Our son is also unwell this weekend.

He is a dad, 38 years old and in my mind should stay home when he is on his parenting time to be there for our son, not dump the responsibility onto his mum. He has 26 other days in the month to do whatever he pleases socially.

How can I bring this up in the most non intrusive/non confrontational way? He was emotionally abusive and narcissistic during our relationship. So I imagine he will get defensive but as a mum, I feel a strong need to advocate for my son.

I don't know if he went out tonight or if he does it regularly, but what I heard has made me feel very uncomfortable. I never usually see his parenting as we split when I was pregnant, so I was shocked that he didnt instantly tell his friends that he has his son tonight as I would have expected him to do...it makes me wonder if this happens a lot as I wouldnt know any different

Was it your ex's brother's funeral?

You don’t.

Unoess you have actual safeguarding concerns, how Hd chooses to parent on his parenting time is up to him

I’m so confused.

I think it really depends on whose funeral it was. If it was your exes brother I would leave it (although would the parents be ok looking after a toddler?).

Meh! Just keep out of it.

If he's in bed anyway and he's used to his gran being there, what's the difference?

Do you never go out when your child's asleep and you have a babysitter?

Was it his brothers funeral?

Either way, as long as your son is being looked after on his time you can't really say anything. Unless you want to start explaining everything to him as well.

My ex's uncle. I was dropping our son to the wake but ended up staying for a while as I was invited in.

From your OP it sounds like your ex lost a family member. It would be quite natural for friends to ask if he was neesing company after a funeral, and doesn't necessarily mean its a regular occurance, a funeral is a big deal. I'd turn a blind eye for this.

Edit to add: you would be v v v unreasonable to raise this while ex is grieving someone.

You’ll be told that you’re unreasonable, but no, you’re not at all
The man only has his child for four nights out of every 31
And he can’t even abide by that responsibility it’s pathetic

Because he rarely gets to see his dad and he still wakes up in the night and cries for him.

It was my ex's uncle funeral. And no, I dont go out on my parenting time unless its an occasion.

Our son is due to turn 2 next month. He never looks after him alone, always with his mum.

This is the most important thing ^^

Your child has always had his gran there, so he'll be used to her.

I think id stay out of this aslong as your son is with a safe responsible adult. You cant really tell him what to do with his time nor how to parent- even if it is a shit way to behave.

Unfortunately you had a child with an utterly awful man. You can’t change him. Be grateful for the small mercy that at least his mother seems to care about her grandson.

On the fence about this. My dad used to do it when I was a kid and it wasn't a big problem. I would've preferred to be with my mum than my grandparents, but I was mainly asleep while he was out anyway.

It is pretty bad that he goes out and has his mum babysit on one of the four nights in a month he actually has his child. But no, I wouldn't say anything. It won't do any good and it won't change anything and it will just make him annoyed at you. I wish his mum would say something to him but maybe she has and he goes out anyway. Rubbish really.

My exes uncles funeral.

His mum never says no and never disciplines. Hence why he is the way he is. After telling her about his abuse, she said nothing. Didnt even comfort me, didnt ask a single question

Yep, this. He's far from the only parent who has help from his mother, and if the kid is already asleep, he's not missing out on any parenting is he?

Pretty much none of your business though.

You clearly resent him and his mum.

But as long as your child is being properly looked after, you have no say over it I'm afraid.

They arent my favourite people. For me its the principle. His mum does the parenting (cooks, washes clothes etc) for our son and he does whatever. Our son is looked after as far as I am aware but the point for me is that my ex is his dad but acts like a drop in sitter when he pleases. And I dont think its fair on our son

You cant control him like this and you know it

So your son’s great-uncle. Got it!

As it was a funeral, your ex may not have seen these people for a while so it’s not unusual to arrange a meet-up or an extension to the evening. So I’d leave it OP.

Does he live with his mother?
You never know, his mum might just want to do these chores (and thinks she’ll do a better job) for her DS and DGS. I think I would do this for my 38 old son (if I had one) and he lived at home. Son’s job would be playing with the child.

As long as your DS is in a safe and loving home with his Nan and Dad it really doesn’t matter who cooks and washes his clothes. He’ll not remember or care.

It only becomes a problem if ex doesn’t play or read stories to him tbh.

I feel for you that he’s a shit dad and I agree with you. However you won’t change him by saying anything. It’s likely that your son sleeps in with his granny anyway and would rather see her.
IF you say anything to him keep if focused on the child and say something like ‘some people were talking about recents nights out you’ve had. I just wanted to flag that baby wakes up in the night more so if you’re out he might wake up and be sad if you’re not there, also please make sure you’re sober enough to look after him if he woke up with another sickness fever or needed driving to a and e’

Also imagine if he tried to tell you you can’t book a babysitter and have a night out. I know it’s different but we’d all be saying that’s abusive