Dad going out on his parenting time

[Christlmt]

At my sons uncle's funeral, I heard my ex's friends asking him if he wants to go out tonight and what he was doing - he asked where and I didn't really hear the rest.

He only has our son 4 nights a month (every other weekend), and tonight is his weekend (so he will have him 2 nights this weekend).

Our son is due to turn 2 next month. He never looks after him alone, always with his mum.

Am I wrong for wanting to ask him if he goes out on his parenting time once our son goes to bed and asking why?

In my mind, this is not fair on his mum (who has never and will say say no to him), but more so not fair on our son should he wake up and want his dad who he only sees 4 days a month. Our son is also unwell this weekend.

He is a dad, 38 years old and in my mind should stay home when he is on his parenting time to be there for our son, not dump the responsibility onto his mum. He has 26 other days in the month to do whatever he pleases socially.

How can I bring this up in the most non intrusive/non confrontational way? He was emotionally abusive and narcissistic during our relationship. So I imagine he will get defensive but as a mum, I feel a strong need to advocate for my son.

I don't know if he went out tonight or if he does it regularly, but what I heard has made me feel very uncomfortable. I never usually see his parenting as we split when I was pregnant, so I was shocked that he didnt instantly tell his friends that he has his son tonight as I would have expected him to do...it makes me wonder if this happens a lot as I wouldnt know any different

It’s not fair but it’s outside your control and you cannot effect change there. You have to be at peace with that or you’ll always be angry and resentful and that’s ex’s present 🎁 for you

Yes he should spend his parenting time woth hia son since he seems him so rarely. However, if your aon if left with a responsible adult then there is not a lot you can do about it. Do you really think talking to him make hi realise that he should not go out (assuming this is regular occurrence)? I doubt t it, he knows. It will more likely damage your relationship.

Many many women have their mums doing a lot of childcare - which is seen as absolutely fine...

He's a knob and a useless parent but you can't control what he does. I hope he pays decent maintenance.

But you do though, sometimes, so I don't get why its different for him.

Surely this is an occasion of sorts? A chance to go out for some drinks with friends following the funeral.

Surely if your son is asleep and is fine with his Nan, and she doesn't mind, then its really nothing to do with you.

You can feel how you feel but its not up to you to dictate what he does with his son when its his time.

I am pretty sure you wouldn't be happy if he, in turn, came at you for having a night out and having a family member babysit.

Is he waste of space? Absolutely

Should you say anything? No! Grating as it may be, it’s none of your business how he parents on his time.

I think I’d give him the benefit of the doubt considering it’s his brothers (?) funeral and he may want to let off steam. Do you have any evidence it’s happening regularly?
Even if you did, annoying as it is, so long as the child is well cared for I don’t think you have the right to object. Certainly if it were a court dealing with this they wouldn’t be interested. They’d see it as a child being cared for his extended family, which really there is nothing wrong with.

He's a shit dad (and shit man) but unfortunately he's your son's dad. So long as he's being cared for, I don't think you can dictate how your ex spends his time.

I mean if this is happening regularly and wasn’t just a one off after the funeral, it is pretty rubbish from him. However, as long as your son is safe and cared for I wouldn’t bother making a fuss, it just isn’t worth the fight. You can’t really stop him going out. It’s a case of pick your battles with this one, I think.

My ex was like this when my DS was little. He used to live with his mum and she did all the childcare. I have a great relationship with exs mum now because of this. Ex has stepped up now that DS is older and realised he’s actually fun. Things get better OP but I would leave this slide for now as it’s his weekend there’s not much you can do.

That’s harsh. He’s at his uncles funeral!

Yes. You would be unreasonable.

Consider if you would want him getting into your business and dictating your time.

Some say harsh, others might say maybe he should be spending significantly more time with closer relatives who are still alive. Like his young son who he only sees 4 days out of 30 🤷‍♀️

It is really none of your business if your sons nanna minds him on weekends he is with his dad. He isn’t exactly leaving him with a stranger. Back off

Totally agree. How does going out with some family after a funeral when the child is being cared for by grandma, make him a shit man??

how is he ‘not the greatest of parents’ for going out and arranging good childcare?

You shouldn't say anything to him. He's responsible for the childcare on his time and he can get his mum to do it if he wants. Your son is obviously used to his Grandma.

Really sorry to hear he was emotionally abusive and narcissistic during your relationship with him and that he left you whilst pregnant. He doesn’t sound like a nice person at all; unfortunately you chose this man to be the father of your child.

Therefore knowing what you know about him do you think he will listen to you and do as you ask? If you think there’s a chance he’ll see the error of his ways then yes speak to him about it. However if he’s going to kick off and make life difficult then say nothing.

You’ve got many more years of dealing with him and I suspect he’s going to disappoint you every step of the way. Sorry.

Wow the bar for men really is low.

Imagine what you’d be saying if the roles were reversed… a mother only seeing her kids for 4 days a month, but then even on those days leaving her parents to do the majority of the work because she can’t be arsed? 🙄

Honestly, I’m coming back as a dad next time

He has his child 4 nights a month!

I don’t see why your ex ( he’s not your dad that was confusing terminology) is never allowed to have other people look after his children if something comes up on a weekend when he has the kids. It isn’t his « parenting time » It is time when he is in overall charge of the children and can have them looked after by his relatives. When else are paternal grandparents expected to see their grandchildren? When my ex “had” our don during holidays sometimes his parents took him away for a week as he was working or doing something else. That’s fine.

Why are you allowed to go out to an "occasion" but deem it inappropriate for your EX to his uncles wake?
Is that not an occasion?

Because she looks after the child 28 days of the month and he looks after the child for four days.

I can see your point, but you don't know he does this all the time - as a one off, and if he is grieving, it may be understandable. As long as gran is looking after your son, and son is in bed anyway, I don't think it's the end of the world.

And what good will raising it do? Do you think he is likely to say, shit, hadn't thought of that, you are right I'll stay in?

Seems unlikely.

Try and preserve as positive a relationship with him as you can, seriously, which means not swearing the small stuff, even when you have a valid point. Your son will thank you later - much better for him to have amicable co-parents, even if dad goes out occasionally when he is asleep.