Dad going out on his parenting time

[Christlmt]

At my sons uncle's funeral, I heard my ex's friends asking him if he wants to go out tonight and what he was doing - he asked where and I didn't really hear the rest.

He only has our son 4 nights a month (every other weekend), and tonight is his weekend (so he will have him 2 nights this weekend).

Our son is due to turn 2 next month. He never looks after him alone, always with his mum.

Am I wrong for wanting to ask him if he goes out on his parenting time once our son goes to bed and asking why?

In my mind, this is not fair on his mum (who has never and will say say no to him), but more so not fair on our son should he wake up and want his dad who he only sees 4 days a month. Our son is also unwell this weekend.

He is a dad, 38 years old and in my mind should stay home when he is on his parenting time to be there for our son, not dump the responsibility onto his mum. He has 26 other days in the month to do whatever he pleases socially.

How can I bring this up in the most non intrusive/non confrontational way? He was emotionally abusive and narcissistic during our relationship. So I imagine he will get defensive but as a mum, I feel a strong need to advocate for my son.

I don't know if he went out tonight or if he does it regularly, but what I heard has made me feel very uncomfortable. I never usually see his parenting as we split when I was pregnant, so I was shocked that he didnt instantly tell his friends that he has his son tonight as I would have expected him to do...it makes me wonder if this happens a lot as I wouldnt know any different

Exactly

As long as your son is well looked after it's up to your ex. Just as it would be up to you, on your time.

There's nothing stopping you from using a babysitter & going out. If you don't want to, that's your choice, but you can't stop him.

If his mum's happy to babysit, I don't see why it's a problem for him to go out once his son's in bed. He's obviously not the greatest of parents but your son is safe, asleep and his grandmother is there. I'd keep your opinion to yourself if I were you, he'll do what he wants anyway.

It’s not any of your business OP. On his parenting time, if he gets his mum to babysit thats his prerogative.

given the circumstances/funeral etc, it really would not be good for your co-parenting relationship to bring it up (again cos its not your business)

To be honest I think it affects you rather than your son.

pick your battles otherwise you’ve got a lifetime ahead of very stressful co-parenting.

My ex is like this; he has the kids a bit more than yours does, eight nights a month, but routinely books work trips, personal obligations and nights out with his girlfriend during his fairly minimal parenting time.

I think it’s poor parenting but at the end of the day, if he wants to send the kids the message that he’s got better things to do than spend his time with them, that’s up to him.

They get a different view of things when they’re with me; I book my nights out for the weekends they’re away (with rare exceptions) so I can enjoy all the time I have with them. There’s plenty of time for me to increase nights out when they’re older and busy with their own pals.

Don’t bother trying to tell him how to parent better, especially if he was narcissistic and abusive during your relationship as you will get nowhere.

Just focus on being the kind of parent your child deserves. In time your child will learn to see and feel the difference between their homes and will choose the parent they want to be close to, and eventually the kind of parent they want to be themselves.

You don’t bring it up.

Its none of your business.

You may not feel he’s a good dad but, you had a child with someone who appears to be a man child himself.
What he does when the DC is with him is not within your control.
Grandma is there looking after DC so if he wants to go out after a toddler is in bed, especially straight after a bereavement it’s none of your business.
You’re going to have to find a way to make peace with your lack of control when your DC isn’t with you, he’s not likely to change.

I think your being unreasonable. What he does on his parenting time is his business. He has provided appropriate care. Personally, I don't understand why he'd want to palm his child off on his mum. He should want to spend time with him. However, I'd thank my lucky stars that nanny is there becauae he sounds like an absolute waste of space deadbeat.

And this is why so many children are missing out on life, with this new fashion of 50% shared care. it means the children are literally getting 50% parenting.
Everybody used to pull in the same direction and have a vested interest in the successful outcomes of their own skin and blood.
But now it’s none of the mother‘s business ? FFS

It's absolutely pathetic behaviour. But posters will be along to tell you that it's not up to you what he does in his contact time and that single dads deserve a social life too etc. What a pitiful excuse for a parent.

Oh - I missed the boat. They already have!

If you say anything, what do you think it will achieve? He won’t change and you will just antagonise him for nothing.

You could say 'I'll be happy to babysit for you if you need to take a break during your contact time of four days per month you lazy cunt '

He’s a narcissist, so he is the centre of the universe and won’t take any notice of anyone who has a different opinion to him. However, nothing wrong with expressing your concerns as long as you realise he will ignore you or send your a rude reply. “Dear X, I’m concerned that you are are going out and leaving DS with your DM, especially as he is ill. If he wakes up, I think he’ll be upset if you’re not there.” If you get a rude reply, don’t answer.

I voted YABU because as long as he leaves DS with someone responsible, he can do as he pleases. But really YaNBU and of course he should absolutely be there for his son on the rare occasion that he actually has him.

Ultimately, you saying anything isn’t likely to change anything with a man like that. As long as you have no safeguarding concerns leave it be.

Is this man a dick? Yes

Should you say anything? No.

three reasons

1. it won’t stop him
2. you’ll get a load of grief
3. he can do what he wants with regards to parenting when he has DS. Hard to cope with I know, but true.

His 4 days a month are nothing to do with her. He as a parent with parental responsibility has the right to make decisions about the child's care without her input. As long as there are no safeguarding concerns he should be trusted as a dad to make decisions for his child. I'm sure she doesn't run every single decisions past him as the primary parent.

If she has a court order she can ask for the right for first refusal, so if he wants to go out during his contact time she gets asked to have DC first. Although, this could be a double edged sawed. She might end up having to ask him everything she wants to do something without the child and realistically it will be more of a ball ache for her on her 26 days a month than him on his

My ex was the same on his parenting time. Would collect dc then either drop him off at grandparents and go out or just sit in a chair reading the paper while grandparents did all the care and interaction. I can’t say it had a negative effect on dc as he adored his grandparents and they were great with him, but it may have played a part later on in ex never fully understanding dc’s needs (SEN) and dc always saying as he got older that he couldn’t really talk to his dad about anything. Now as an adult he has a far stronger relationship with his step father. So I think what I’m saying in too many words is that as long as your son is safe and cared for it’s the ex that will
lose out, not your son. Anyone can replace a biological parent if that parent can’t/wont step up.

The funeral is irrelevant.
He only sees his kids for 4 days a month, he doesn’t even do the bare minimum and is trying to get out of that. What a sad excuse for a parent he is.

what do do?
nothing!
He’s an ex for a reason. It’s his time with his son and there’s nothing you can do about it. On the up-side your son is building a relationship with his grandmother.

If he continues like this then your son will realise what his father is like as he get’s older. For now, provided that your son is safe, please try to focus on yourself and take the time to relax, if you ex is only doing 4 days a month then you need it.

I think you are coming at this from the perceptive of a committed parent. Your ex clearly isn’t one, or he’d still be with you or would at least see his boy more often.
However, as long as the child is safe and provided for, (and it doesn’t sound as if you are concerned by his mother’s capacity for care) , I don’t think you can control what he does during his parenting time. Especially if your son is asleep, it sounds petty to insist he be present if his mum is there anyway.

I guess this reminds you that it was a good decision to split up, as this man doesn’t sound very dutiful.

This is exactly what I thought/did, though I did it the other way round and voted YANBU for the reason you mention.

OP, if he does this every time he has his son, (given he only has him four nights per month) this is very poor fatherly behaviour. However, this is an unusual day and his friendship group are likely trying to support him, in the only way they know how. Unless you have concerns around his Mum’s behaviour or her provision of care for her grandson, I think you need to bite your lip.

Would you be willing to allow Ex to police your childcare arrangements for your son?

It’s unfortunate you heard that snippet of a conversation between his friends, as you don’t know the entire plan and are speculating.
It’s his time, so you need to let it play out.

He's a shit dad, but your son is being cared for. You can't make him want to spend time with his son, so trying to force him to won't do any good. In fact it will probably be worst for your son if your ex is forced to stay at home with him.

Providing your son is well cared for, I’d stay out of it.