Dad going out on his parenting time

[Christlmt]

At my sons uncle's funeral, I heard my ex's friends asking him if he wants to go out tonight and what he was doing - he asked where and I didn't really hear the rest.

He only has our son 4 nights a month (every other weekend), and tonight is his weekend (so he will have him 2 nights this weekend).

Our son is due to turn 2 next month. He never looks after him alone, always with his mum.

Am I wrong for wanting to ask him if he goes out on his parenting time once our son goes to bed and asking why?

In my mind, this is not fair on his mum (who has never and will say say no to him), but more so not fair on our son should he wake up and want his dad who he only sees 4 days a month. Our son is also unwell this weekend.

He is a dad, 38 years old and in my mind should stay home when he is on his parenting time to be there for our son, not dump the responsibility onto his mum. He has 26 other days in the month to do whatever he pleases socially.

How can I bring this up in the most non intrusive/non confrontational way? He was emotionally abusive and narcissistic during our relationship. So I imagine he will get defensive but as a mum, I feel a strong need to advocate for my son.

I don't know if he went out tonight or if he does it regularly, but what I heard has made me feel very uncomfortable. I never usually see his parenting as we split when I was pregnant, so I was shocked that he didnt instantly tell his friends that he has his son tonight as I would have expected him to do...it makes me wonder if this happens a lot as I wouldnt know any different

On a human level, get your frustration. He hardly has him so should be able to prioritise the little time he has with him so as to not go out. However, on the logical and actually what can you do about it level, what he chooses to do on his parenting time is up to him ultimately unless you have genuine safety / safeguarding concerns (i.e. lack of appropriate supervision which he is getting his mum to care for child, no food/appropriate hygiene and clothing, marks or injuries to your child etc), not just differences in parenting and what your expectations would be of how you would do it. You can only encourage him not to or raise that you feel it would be positive for your child to spend this time with him as quality time but unfortunately there’s not much else you can do if he doesn’t.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for expecting your ex to spend what little time he has with his so each month but you can’t control this. He parents as he sees fit, which seems to be delegating to his mother.

You can't force someone to be a decent parent. I know it's crap to see but realistically you have to make your peace with it

Umfortunatley as he sounds an entitled man child , you would be wasting your breath discussing this and mother would probably lie to cover him.
Pick your battles x

Its not your place to ask or tell him what he should do on his time. As irritating as it is if the other parent doesn't step up in the same way you do, you can't change him. Ultimately it's his relationship that will suffer with his son in the long run but that isn't your problem to solve.

He’s not a good dad and he probably never will be. Use your energy to find good male role models for your son and to support your son as he gets older and realises how crap his dad is. That’s all you can do.

Just leave it honestly. It’s up to him. And if you try and raise it in any way it will just backfire. Quite apart from anything else if he’s an abusive lazy shit, would you not prefer his mum there anyway- I would. And if he has a shit relationship with his dad at least he might have a decent one with his gran.

I would have changed the dates that he has his son so that he could be fully present for the funeral and wake. Being annoyed that he was going out after a family members funeral is odd to me. Expecting him to have him at all when he's attending a family members funeral is very unreasonable of you. Do not bring this up to him.

You thought it was a good idea to do a childcare handover at a funeral?

You have no evidence this night out actually happened.

Would you be happy if your ex had your very young son for more nights than he currently does? I wonder how much say he actually has in this matter.

Is your DS's nan housing your ex following your separation? If so of course she will be there.

Finally, you do realise that most non-resident parents spend their time working when they don't have their DC? Reality is he has 4 nights a month opportunity to socialise just like you do.

You sound very unreasonable.

You had a child with a total fuckwit who now lives back with his enabler. As long as she is there for your son, the fuckwit will crack on. My concern would be the internalised misogyny she passes on to your son as he grows up, watching his granny do everything for the entitled fuckwit and thinking that’s what girls do for boys.

I must admit I'm a bit confused as to why handing over a child in the midst of a funeral - or wake - was a good idea, when you don't know how people will be feeling and emotions will be running high. The date should have been changed (of the handover) in that case. But I can totally understand going out for drinks with family members - some of whom you probably don't see regularly - to drown your sorrows. I went out with my cousin after my nana's funeral.

But more broadly, yes it's rubbish if he does it all of the time and his mum enables it. But it's his loss and as long as your child is cared for then there is nothing that you can do. His relationship with his son might suffer but that is down to him. Hopefully he has a lovely relationship with his grandmother. If he's safe, warm, fed and cared for when he away from you then I am afraid that is the most that you are entitled to ask for. If his dad is a dickhead then that's life.

OP doesn’t actually know that he goes out on any of the nights he has his son, she heard one conversation at a wake of him being invited out.

As long as his mum is there, he’ll ask her.

How on earth is he meant to build a bond and relationship wirh him if he only has him every other weekend and then goes out on those days too?

Don't listen to people saying you have no say, you actually do. If this went to court a judge wouldn't be very impressed if it was a pattern of behaviour.

Have you ever gone out and had a baby sitter for your son? Left him with your mum/sister/ family? If not do you intend to not do so for the next 16 years? Askong as your son is safe and looked after…by his mum as you’ve stated will be there…then but out!

Are you for real? He is only expected to look after his own child for FOUR DAYS A MONTH! He has 26 days a month where he doesn’t parent. OP is concerned about the relationship between her child and his sad excuse of a father. Your comparisons are mind boggling.