AIBU to feel grief and jealousy over friends having more children?

[Cameraobscura89]

I’m really struggling emotionally after a couple of recent pregnancy announcements from close friends.

One friend is expecting her fourth baby and another has just had her scan for her second. I’m genuinely happy for them, but it’s brought up a lot of jealousy, FOMO, and sadness for me that I didn’t expect to feel this strongly.

I have one DS (7) and, due to my mental health, neurodiversity, and lack of family support nearby, I don’t think I can go through pregnancy and the baby years again. Logically I know that’s the right decision for me, my DP and my son, but emotionally I feel a lot of grief about the life I’m not
going to have.
My DS didn’t sleep alone for basically the first four years of his life, so it was extremely difficult.

My DS is also friends with one of their children and when I told him, he immediately asked if I could have a baby too, which has really unsettled me and made me question things even more.

I’m finding myself stuck between:

• being happy for my friends
• feeling jealous and left behind
• grieving the idea of another baby
• worrying about my son missing out

Has anyone else felt like this when friends move into a different stage of life? Does it settle down, or do you just sit with it and accept it?

Any reassurance or perspective would be really appreciated.

Making the right decision isn't always the easy decision, but your feelings are valid.

I am ND and my DS is on the waiting list for a diagnosis.
What doesn’t help is I’m currently in my ovulation part of the cycle.

I remember feeling sad about having no more children, even though in my rational brain I knew I didn't want more. It's something you just need to work through. If you were to have a second child, they would highly likely be ND too. It does get difficult fighting for support, having them in different educational settings etc. You need to think about how much you can cope with too.

You made the right decision for your circumstances. I am an only and I would have liked a sibling but my parents struggled to have children. My husband has siblings and tells me I have an over rosy view of the joys of siblings. I do have two sons but my eldest as a child once told me he'd have preferred to carry on being an only child!

Not the same situation but I understand the yearning. Just want to share my experience and thoughts. For context, I lost twins in the NICU two years ago. It was horrific. We had to switch life support off for one of our babies in the end after their sibling died 3 days before.

I got pregnant 8 months later and had a beautiful baby, very recently I had another baby. So four babies in 2 and half years, 2 currently living.

Despite being so grateful for my two living children, I have this terrible grief and worry that I wont have another child again. Ive been warned now that I must take a break physically and mentally frim pregnancy. I'm 35, young but Ive had three csections in 2 years, my first being utterly traumatic and losing my twins in the process.

Despite all this, I just yearn. I only had a baby and already I'm swept up by the thought of not having another. I know its a side effect of losing my children amd the trauma it came with. I hate it as its very hard to understand whenn I'm lucky to have my two.

You are experiencing a grief of what you thought you would have. I would advise talking to someone about it, I've already started that and it really helps. Its ok to feel it but its so hard when it takes over your life. Its something I need to work on. Lots of luck to you xxx

It's a completely normal reaction.

I think it's much healthier to acknowledge that you feel sad than to pretend you don't. Some things in life are sad, even if they're the right decision or the only decision you can really make given the circumstances!

I can relate. I am single mum but if i wasnt, id like to have had another by now. my DS would be the most amazing big brother. an acquaintance of mine recently announced 2nd baby on the way and we had our first child at a similar time. I felt so sad about it. Jealous is probably a better word. But i couldnt cope with a 2nd... my current child nearly 4 and still wakes multiple times per night! i'm also quite lazy

@Ella31 that was hard just to read, living it must have been beyond awful.

I wish you the best. You deserve it

Honestly, it’s ok to feel like that, but… this is a choice you are making for really good reasons. Try not to let it feel like it’s been imposed on you. You don’t want the baby stage again, it’s crippling.

I think even those that wholeheartedly ‘chose’ their family size, have wobbles at times.

If it helps, I also feel envious of my friend with one child.

You made the right decision for you and your child. Remind yourself of that when you have a wobble. I promise as you get older, the ‘what ifs’ feature less

I think everyone has at the very least moments when they ponder a different life, a different situation? And wonder what could have been? And this goes further for some people to the point it really distresses them.

I certainly swing between wondering about my life and my DCs life had we not had our third disabled DC and wishing maybe we'd tried for another after our third so that the burden of our third wasn't entirely on our eldest DC.

I also had pangs seeing a good friend go onto her 6th child when I stopped at 3 because of her disabilities. I would wind myself up thinking, why can she have 6 perfectly healthy babies yet our youngest will require lifelong care. Of course, those thoughts never make me feel any better so I have to continually shelve them (until they fall off into my lap again!).

It's natural to look around and compare your life with others. I just try to count my blessings and be grateful and accepting of what I do have. It doesn't always work!

Sending so much love to those of you that have had such heartbreaking losses, particularly Ella31 💐

I felt/feel the same. Years of distrubed sleep and ND. It wasn't even on my radar at just 5 to TTC again, they're still so little then, and I was only just comfortably back to myself. It got easier around age 7. I started IVF when DC1 became a teen, and the longer I try, the more I want another.

I don't really know why. You could have more children but you are choosing not to. Some folk don't have a choice.

I felt the same way, OP - I also had one DS and my DH didn’t want any more, partly bc I was so ill after the pregnancy. It used to rip me to shreds when friends had more babies, but the feeling went away over time, and now I’m really glad we stopped at one. Subsequent events have made me realise DH was right.
I am sorry for how you’re feeling, and I hope it goes away for you too 💓

@Viviennemary Because even though I could potentially still have another physically, mentally and emotionally I’m not sure I could. Also my DP is pretty set on one and doesn’t really want anymore as it’s been quite hard for us both over the years of sleep deprivation and lack of family support.

I think how you’re feeling is “normal” and “valid”. The right decision for you doesn’t always mean it’s an easy decision. I think it’s pretty common to feel a sense of jealousy or grief when you shut the book on having children even if it’s a choice you’ve made. I spent my whole life wanting 3 kids but after 2 we will be closing the book on that chapter for financial and mental reasons. I know when I see friends go onto have their 3rd I’ll “yearn” or have green eyes but we are making the right choice for us even if I don’t feel done.

I think it’s true to enjoy what you have and not what you don’t. There is a lot of pros to having 1 child x