AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

Oh goodness. I wonder how DH will keep his lifestyle without his higher earning partner and three children to support. I wonder if he’ll be start splitting financial support equally between the three of them then?

Please quote me where I said that was fair? I'll wait...

Meanwhile to answer you;

• I've no idea why his grandparents have anything to do with it? They aren't responsible for him

• The ex may well not be working full-time because the OP thinks she is hugely subsidised (CMS is based on DHs income compared to overnights he has his kid, it's not a subsidy and for all we know she does pay rent & bills, I'm not sure why the OP would be privvy to that)

• It's DH who wants his current (hopefully soon to be ex) wife to help pay for all 3 of their children. The ex has nothing to do with it. She can say she wants private education all she wants but will have zero impact if she's not contributing. So this is down the the OPs DH

Look, it isn't 'fair' if you are being expected to pay to facilite this by either by him or his ex, but surely you can also see that your stepson's mum isn't being unreasonable being unable to pay the fees herself but wanting all her ex's children to all be treated and educated the same?

Your DH isn't being unreasonable saying he wants them all to go or none of them to go. He cannot resolve this by paying half for all 3 children and cannot afford to pay full fees for 1 as well as half for 2, so the only way to treat them all the same is to pay for none and none of them go to private school. It sounds awful the way you keep saying 'my children', not 'our children'. Are you a family or not?

If you pay for your 2 children he can then afford to pay for your SS, but that way you actually end up worse off so if you insist on sending your children to private school, I think you have to send all 3 and split the cost. It isn't the same as not paying for your niece and nephew, it just isn't.

I agree.
OP has every right to be extremely disappointed.
He was with his Ex for a year, yet is backing her on this?

I really hope this is opening the OP's eyes to just how she and her efforts are viewed.

OP has a log road ahead of her and has put huge effort into this relationship only for him to side against her and make it clear she is an ATM for him and his Ex.

I understand your arguments however putting myself in your husband's position, I just couldn't have 3 children and only send 2 of them to private school. However you rationalise it the guilt would be awful.

I would prefer not to say, but I was under the impression that maintaining CMS would be better in equalising his lifestyle across both
homes. But if this is what they prefer, they can come to that agreement between themselves, I don’t have an issue with it.

You're repeated use of 'his spn' is vile

I've no idea why his grandparents have anything to do with it? They aren't responsible for him

Neither is the OP.

No, I agree

She may well end up paying spousal support and cm to DH if she's the higher earner. Happened to a friend of mine last year.

@CherriBerri

Why don't you do this....

Dad to 3 children he puts savings away equally for all 3
You pay the full school fees form your 2 children

This way there is no argument about unfairness

Dad just fund private education for any of his children. You 2 children go to private school because their mum funds it herself. The eldest doesn't because his mum does not fund it.

All 3 children will.uave a nice pot of savings when they become adults

It’s difficult to empathise with OP because of her cold manner of writing about her DH and DSS. But I do have some sympathy for her, and see her point. It doesn’t seem fair that she should end up paying, in effect, for part of DSS's education and his own mother not pay anything, when OP can only afford it more because she works full-time and DSC's mother chooses not to (even though I think she says the latter lives with her own parents so probably has help with childcare).

I do also wonder, from the way OP keeps referring to it, whether the problem is a longstanding one about her being told she has no say in any decisions to be made about DSS's upbringing. This would be reasonable normally, but I can see that it would be very galling to be told to mind your own business and simultaneously be expected to pay, in effect, for DSS's education.

“His son,” “the eldest,” I’ve used these terms interchangeably. “Step-son” isn’t a term I have used.

The same way I say “my children,” “youngest children,” instead of “our children,” it’s just an easy way to specify who I am speaking about, to maintain clarity.

You have no idea how deep her purse is, or what wider support she has. She can afford to pay x2 private school fees and associated costs, save, and cover her share of joint expenses.

She’s in a better position to weather divorce than he would be.

Agreed, that seems to be the nuance in this example. And private school, especially at 3yo, is such a luxury that I’m having to work hard not to roll my eyes at the whole situation. None of the kids are going to be neglected under any of the scenarios.

I don’t actually want to say that second families should never exist or should have to make do with whatever scraps are permitted by the first family. Life is more complicated than that. But I do find it quite wrong how easily parents (usually dads) can reduce their obligation to first families from basically everything they have forever down to just cms or even less. I find the lack of empathy towards first families and lack of recognition that it’s not actually an equal or symmetrical situation quite frustrating. I generally have a lot of sympathy for first families that resent second families, and usually much less for second wives that resent the first family.

She chose to marry and have kids with her husband, the child's father. Knowing that the father's resources then need to be split.

He is backing HIS SON...

I apologise, it’s not intentional. It’s just how I write, I don’t wish to be cold - I’m trying to be direct and clear?

This does sound somewhat like the plot of Season 4 of Brigerton, but that could just be my brain on a Friday afternoon.

How much can the step sons mother afford? If she is working part time and could work more hours why is she not? Could his grandparents pay anything? I think that side of the family need to make some sort of gesture of what they could pay for.

The problem with private school is the fees just keep going up and up and up. And then all the optional trips which are not really optional as everyone else is going. It doesn't sound like it is doable for three.

What are all three children's ages?

Unfortunately for your husband he is going to have a future huge rift in his hands with his son if he doesn't get the same situation as everyone else?

All three children go private (at the same point in their schooling) or none. That may mean telling your DH he needs to wait for his DC to start at 11 or 13, but then yours should also wait. You knew when you married your DH he already had a DC, and all his DC should all be afforded the same opportunities. His DC is not only your step-DC, part of your family, but they are your DC’s sibling and relatively close in age. You should be nurturing that relationship, not making it bitter and competitive. It’s really clear with your attitude that you’re not well suited to this setup and shouldn’t have married your DH, but you are where you are.

This is an option, but I don’t see how this changes the situation, besides “vindicating” my husband, in a way.

Highly unlikely. Spousal support is awarded rarely, and when it is awarded it’s for very specific circumstances (i.e, a SAHP with little or no work history during a long marriage).

I really appreciate your perspective and it does make sense for you and your two biological children. I can’t help but also see it from your DH’s perspective. To have three children and send two of them to private school just feels wrong. If I were him, I think I’d have to go with contributing equal amounts to investments for all three and not contributing to school fees at all.

That said, it must be a tough pill to swallow if he has changed what he agreed upon marriage and having children, I wouldn’t like that at all.

I hope you can all work it out

Personally, I don’t think anyone should go down the private education route if they can’t afford the fees on 1 salary. There’s no way I’d want to pull my kids out of school in the event that either me or DH lose our job.

If I were your DH, I would say that as I couldn’t afford private education for all my children then I’m not paying it for any. That is the fairest thing to do.

But just a question, do you not see your DSS as part of your family? I don’t have any step children but I would hope that if I did, I would give them the same opportunities as my bio children, especially if I’d been in their life since they would were a toddler.

But why, if the father is contributing equally?