AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

I think you have a terrible attitude towards your stepson. Your husband had a child when you met him, you then chose to have children together, I can’t believe you think it’s ok to treat the children differently, you keep saying you can afford to pay for your children to go, so pay for them and your husband can pay for your step son.

Your comments about your stepsons mum and her finances also seem petty. In fact all you seem to care about is your apparent wealth.

@CherriBerri and it will continue to be unpleasant. Everyone on mumnset expects everyone to do the sharing. As long as it’s them doing the taking.

Hilarious that a woman who prioritises working part time and being subbed all the living expenses of her and her son, feels so strongly about her dc having a private education.

I am always amused by those on MN who are so keen to spend other people's money too. BS would these same posters do it irl. In fact 25 pages in, with the majority calling the OP selfish, cold and worse, not one poster has yet to come forward saying they are doing what the OP is against. Odd that so many would pay for this boy's education but not a single poster has said they are doing just that, which suggests how easy it is to pile onto someone on here and turn someone's real life situation into emotive hyperbole.

OP, YANBU. I imagine your dss benefits from his father being married to you in plenty of ways. His education isn't your responsibility. Should you divorce, you won't see the boy again. Crazy that so many think you should pay for this child while his mother works part-time and has live-in childcare.

Why did you marry someone with an existing child if you weren't prepared to treat them as you would your own children? If you can afford it (which you can), I don't see why this is such an issue. It just seems a bit self-centred really.

The child's mother chooses to work part time, live with her parents & go on lots of holidays, why should the OP pay for the child to go to private school when it was never in the cards? & she isn't willing to contribute?

OP does your husband have any assets that could be put in trust for your DC, which would mean he’d contributed the same amount to them as SS?

I would die on the hill of him contributing equally to his children.

I am a mother and in your DHs position as I have biological children with my first husband (2DC) and biological children with my second husband (1DC and I’m pregnant). I also am a step-child myself and know how it feels to be a second class citizen, I’m very relaxed about it and take it for what it is but it upsets my DH and he always vowed that he never wanted any of our children to be treated that way or feel that way, biological or not. If asked, he says he has 3 (nearly 4) children and will only specify two are step if required. The two older children also have a loving father. The three of us coparent together.

Unless there were some sort of exceptional circumstance I haven’t considered, the only options I can imagine are sending all of the children or none of them to private school. Interestingly, I would consider home educating, if required, for fewer of them if it were deemed in their best interests.

I understand your perspective and it has validity. It is not something I would want for my marriage or family though, it doesn’t feel like family to me. I am with your DH, they all go or none of them go. I like to think I wouldn’t take on another child as a step parent without being prepared to treat them equally in all senses.

Hypothetically, if you and your husband split and were both paying 50:50 for your two shared children, and then you had another child with someone else… would you send that new child to state school if the new father couldn’t pay 50%? Or would you pay 100% of the fees, giving more funds to this new child from your own pot, so all three got equal opportunity but unequal funds from you?

He cannot afford to do this, of course. Putting yourself in his shoes and not being able to afford this option - imagine that you are separated and you have another newborn to a different father right now - would you start your eldest in private school next year paying 50:50 knowing that child 2 can also go but child 3 will have to go to state?

I feel like you are being deliberately obtuse by comparing with your nieces and nephews, it is not the same. You married him knowing he had another child. Your attitude makes sense to a degree but is not very human or caring towards your DH who is trying to be a good father to all of the children. I think this is an excellent quality.

For me, a family and a marriage is far less biological and much more sharing and loving. The children didn’t ask to be born into these families. In our family, we pool all of our income - two salaries and maintenance - and pay for everything for our household and children. Honestly, if my DH had your attitude I wouldn’t have had more children because it’s not for me.

I hear you OP.
You should not be required to pay for your DSS mothers financial shortfall.
If father can afford to only pay have for his son and mum can't match that, then he doesn't attend private school. Maybe your husband could put aside his half of the school fees that he would have paid into a trust fund for his son's future education such as university fees etc. At least he will still be investing in his education.

This feels.like a can of worms.and I can see arguments for both sides.

For Example.does SS mum work part time.and.is a lower earner because she has been primary carer for SS? If your H is paying maintenance I'm guessing not 50/50 custody if that was the case then yes I would feel that H should fund more of SS school fees.
Equally whilst not monetary your combined children do benefit from having dad around all the time your step son doesn't this may affect how your H feels.

If H paid 50% of school fees for all 3 would he still be able.to save for all 3?

All these things would affect how I would personally feel.

How do you currently pay for family holidays?

Also is this is causing problems now it might also be worth thinking further ahead uni fees, inheritance etc... you and your H need to decide where you both stand on these issues.

Op private schooling is a HUGE commitment. I have two and it’s ALOT of money. Do not get involved in something that will take away a HUGE chunk of your money from your own kids.

If the mother has now decided that her son must attend private school, I can see no reason why she can't work out for herself how to pay her share of the costs. I think the people spending OP's money for her would be thinking differently if it was their own, hard earned, money. While I have every sympathy for the 'all children should be treated the same' mentality in theory, it's just not practical in the real world. OP has quite clearly said she would take on all the parenting costs relating to her step child if she held parental responsibility, but she doesn't.
You can't say on the one hand 'you have no right to make any decisions relating to this child because you aren't his parent' but also 'you have the responsibility to fund this child's private education despite him having two parents who are (or should be) capable of funding the decisions they've taken'. The father is correctly allocating his available funds to his three children equally. The mothers should be funding their own children independently. It's not on the step mother to subsidise the mother. If the boot was on the other foot, would people be expecting the mother to subsidise OP's children?

I very much doubt the SS lives with OP and her husband. It’s a false equivalence to pretend an every other weekend stepchild bond is the same as one with a stepchild you actually live with.

I appreciate your concern. In ideal world of course, all three kids will get the same education.

However, in the situation you are proposing, the fair solution would be DH paying equal amount into his own sons savings (JISA, baby SIPP etc), this way he spends the same amount on his kids. It is just one gets in money, others in education.

But, your situation sounds complicated. I can see how DH would want all the kids having an equal education.

Spending at least 100k on someone else’s child is just madness when you have your own kids . Because that’s what it all comes down to. Are you happy to do that op? You can love, be fair and kind to the child in many other ways - you don’t have to educate him to!! He has 2 parents to do that. Not your problem. Do not be bullied into it.

She doesn’t have a choice though, if her husband refuses to pay towards schooling their children because he’s paying for his first child.

Then maybe the kids actual mother should work full time & stop spending on holidays if it's so important to her now when it wasn't before she found out the OP's 2 are going
Private. .

Please don't make this child feel like the lesser child, he is your children's sibling. Tell your husband you will pay 25% of your stepson's fees but you expect his mother to pay the same and you also insist you will be paid every penny to be paid back in the future. Have a solicitor draw up the agreement before this child starts school.
If you and your Husband are paying 75% of the school fees he really should be paying less maintenance to the mother, she can't have it all ways.

That’s a good point. How much maintenance is he paying? Can that be redirected to fees instead?

I agree with you about time and ordering. I would not add more children if it reduced my ability to provide for my earlier children. However it does appear that the husband here did not promise to fully fund the first child’s private schooling originally and the ex only has an issue now because the second set of kids will have access to it. That’s slightly different.

But that PP made up that point earlier.

He already does that! And is saving the equal amount as half the school fees for the younger 2. He's not missing out from his father. The mother doesn't want to work full time & contribute. She wants the OP to pay

Whether or not she is successful is very much not the point. She might succeed or might not, we have no information about how strong the case for support might be and different schools will have different probabilities. The point is that bursary funds are the appropriate source to apply to in order to bridge the gap between what a child's actual parents can afford and the cost of the education they desire for their child.

The idea that DH should pay 3x 50% of #schoolfeeamount and OP should pay 3x 50% of #schoolfeeamount is effectively making OP pay for the shortfall herself, for a child unrelated to her. Dressing the same numbers up in a fancy way saying that actually DH is paying for his eldest plus a small contribution to the other two is basically lying to hide this obviously unfair truth. OP has no financial responsibility for this child.

If you’re going to have children with someone who already has a child then you need to accept that it is in everyone’s interest for all children in the melee to have equal opportunities and that you will sometimes have to make sacrifices for that. If the mother can’t afford it then she can’t afford it. It would be terribly unfair for 2 children to go to private and not the other one.

I'm with you Op. If THEY want THEIR child to go to private school, then THEY have to pay for it. If THEY can't afford it and he has to go somewhere else, then this is THEIR choice, not yours. To assume that YOU will pay towards it is CF behaviour IMO.

You're right, plus it's important for everyone to get along as well as possible. These children are half siblings.

It just sounds to me like you can’t afford for any of these kids to go private. When they start it’s the cheapest it will be and the price goes up with every school year. Plus all rhe trips and the kits and everything else that goes with private schooling. You just don’t have the funds so you’d be better off moving to a Grammar school area and going that route. Cheaper in the long run.