AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Jesus fucking Christ! A guest list of 100 for a birthday??? I don’t even know 100 people, and certainly wouldn’t want this kind of fuss for a bloody birthday! I was 60 last year…I took my two grandchildren to the zoo and then we met up with my two children for tea after…we had cake and Prosecco, just to mark it out as ‘a bit special’. It was a great day 🥰

Your MiL is beyond self-centred…this will turn into a crazy ass circus of an event 🤦‍♀️

At a cost of £1000 for the privilege of attending

It sounds very tasteless and American. I’d be very put off and also very put out.

Mean spirited?

I’m pissing myself here 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Maybe you could take the OP’s place and attend this “glamorous” event instead.

If she's paying for everything great, turn up stick on a grin, if not, depends on how much you like her, I'd be tempted to say that I couldn't get childcare and leave her to it, or send your husband and settle down for a couple of nights of non stop netflix and prosecco.

"It's my birthday and I choose for you to spend one thousand pounds on it - and don't bring the kids" - do you really think that is ok behaviour?

The MiL has entered the chat! 😂

You are being ridiculous…this is so OTT it’s embarrassing! Nobody does this for a 60th birthday…it’s totally self-centred and ‘main character syndrome’! Expecting people to fork out up to 1k to celebrate your birthday?? Absolutely not!

OMG babe I made an account just to say - you are not being unreasonable!! This is more like a wedding than a 60th, and even then I'd question the strict dress code!

I was about to say YABU until I realised MIL was not paying for you to enjoy her weekend.
We recently attended a similar event but all accommodation, food, drinks etc. was covered by the host. In his case, there were only 5 children and they were royally entertained by two nannies provided by the venue to include babysitting until 1am, and the DC joined the main group for one afternoon tea/photo opportunity.
I don't think MIL can dictate unless she pays for everything to be as she wishes.
We didn't have a dress code but I would not have been horrified by general guidelines because it was a wonderful event.
In your case it seems MIL wants the aesthetic but doesn't want to spend the necessary budget.

I think I’d come down with D and V. There’s no way I’d be jumping through that woman’s hoops.

Her sense of entitlement is crazy.

I've just had my 60th, a room in a pub, food c 40 guests. Cost about £600. Some people did travel over an hour, but not many! It was fun and great ven the opportunity to up it or stay as was, I'd stay as was.

Your Mil is obvs high maintenance. I don't think YABU. BTW I'd ask at the hotel if they offer baby sitting so you have your kids there too...

I’m going to be 60 in January and think this unbelievably entitled. Firstly it’s weird she doesn’t want her grandchildren there, secondly the cost is steep and it shouldn’t be assumed that you will pay. The dress code thing is totally batshit. No way would I be told what to wear, where to sit and that I have an allocated role. I’m planning to book a city centre bar and have cocktails and dancing.

I would be very surprised if this paying for the drinks all weekend happens - from someone who won't pay for the meals? At a posh hotel it could be a tenner a drink. I think you will find she puts a few hundred behind the bar or pays for first drinks.

Honestly, I would act as though I was really excited about the whole thing. Say your best mate is having the DC. Then get strategic covid the day before.

This is nuts.
And I actually think it's quite sad that she doesn't want her own grandchildren to attend but is emphasising the need for immediate family to be together. What a weird set of priorities.

Do it for the 'Gram! and spend 1k doing it.🙄

This is going to be shit for the Prisoners, er attendees.

Wtaf?

I'm 50 in two years. My mum asked if I was having a party. I told her I'd rather stick a fork in my eye.

Who is that entitled? Literally can't imagine it.

Just say no sorry this doesn't work for you. Silly entitled woman.

There is not a chance I would leave my children overnight with somebody that wasn't immediate family so on that basis DH would be attending alone.

If I did have immediate family available and willing, id love a weekend away with DH even if it was going to cost me £1000 for the privilege.

She really should be putting her hand in her pocket if she wants something so lavish though.

I'd imagine quite a few invitees are shocked at being expected to pay for their own meal. The whole set up is most unusual. If she can't afford to feed people then she should be scaling it back to a party that she can actually afford to host properly.

For my and DH’s joint 75th birthday we hired a boat, got friends and family to join us. When we came off the boat we all went for drinks then came back to us for snacks and drinks. We then all went out for dinner, we paid for everything. We had children with us and they had fun steering the boat.

I would feel the same. I would also resent spending close to 1k to celebrate someone else's birthday unless it's DHs and he was up for it.
The whole circus feels very self centred to me.

When I was 60 one of my pensions matured, so I took the lump sum and paid for my three DC and their families to go the centre parcs (with us), the DGCs loved it and it was great being together for a few days.

Oh wow your mil is very entitled isn’t she. I would say for the sake of keeping everything civil just go along with it as your dh doesn’t mind spending that money or time on his mum and maybe you take your mum away for a weekend sometime to say thanks for helping with kids she obviously deserves something similar if not for a special birthday but for a special mum. If you push for the kids it might not be possible for a compromise she obviously wants to be queen of the weekend and kids taking her limelight away is not what she wants. I would just go along with everything then make sure your mum has similar treatment at some point.

Sod that for a lark , who does she think she is the queen