AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Well it's not normal where I am!
60th birthdays are family events where everyone can have fun together without pain to their bank accounts in any way.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

MIL is OTT here!

"Grandiose, narcissistic, grandchild-excluding batshittery" is the most fabulous combination of words that perfectly sums up this whole godawful event 👏👏👏

I’d be expecting your MIL to pay for close family’s food even if non family have to pay for their own (which feels very cringe!) and especially given you’re expected to help out.

What will the staff do, hover round the tables with a card machine? That’s going to take a while. Or will Mil ask for payment upfront? Awkward. Maybe the beeps of the card machine will be a lovely backdrop to the speeches!

It is unbelievably naff.

Got to be honest, I would love this, an evening with family, followed by dinner with friends and family the next day and breakfast for anyone who wanted the following day. Once the wedding wre out of the way, there isn't as many occassions to celebrate.

That said, she lost me at:

• not paying for all guests
• compulsory attendence for all parts
• having a dress code
• requesting gifts

Now wait just a second..

These sorts of parties for big birthdays are normal in my family and my relatives' circle. A few differences:

There is a dress code, usually black tie. But no 'colour coordination thing for photos', wear whatever colour you want.
Kids are ALWAYS included. The more the merrier. I'm not British, and I first heard about 'child-free weddings' and suchlike only when I came to the UK.
If it's a multi-day event, immediate family is always expected to stay for the duration.

There's only one very substantial difference. The host covers all the expenses: venue, entertainment, food, drinks, hotels (if needed). No one cheaps out trying to have a second wedding on other people's dime in the tune of thousands each. Now, for better or worse, my family is not short of money, nor are all the relatives. They could afford to spend a few thousand to attend an event, no problem. But it's crass. You organise your birthday, you invite your guests - YOU PAY FOR IT, not them.

If you cannot afford it, you tone it down. Down all the way to a BBQ in your own garden or similar. All is fine and great, as long as you don't demand payment from your own guests.

This

Drinks? Fucking hell, my friends big birthdays (& mine) have been hosted.

I’ve never heard of something so over the top that wasn’t a wedding! Sounds like my idea of hell.

Well said. Crass is the right word. Cheap is another!

An Update - FIL has had a bit of a talk with MIL about the grandchildren part, and it seems the GC are now welcome, as my DH received a message in their family group chat.

It does sound as though there was a bit of back and forth on it, so I imagine she was fairly set on the original idea.

I am not sure whether it’s now our children for the whole weekend or just part of it, I expect this will be clarified in due course.

On a slightly separate note, I do sometimes think the difficulty is that DH wouldn’t naturally push back on something like this.

He’s very used to going along with whatever MIL has in mind, which probably makes it feel much more straightforward to him than it does to me.

Fuck that.

I got to my 60th almost 20 years ago and completely ignored it. Made a bit of fuss of my 65th, including a lovely meal with DH, as we were away in Scotland on holiday, but wouldn't have expected our children to interrupt their busy lives for it. They asked what I'd like as a present and I said money towards some really nice cutlery, which I had fun choosing and now enjoy using every single day. Ignored my 70th and would have ignored my upcoming 80th if our son and daughter weren't insisting on planning something for me. No idea yet what. 😁

Diplomatic flu. I love that!

Jesus, for my 60th, I took my three adult kids out for dinner - cost me about £80. We had a great time, and it was a birthday to remember 😊

Nah - this is something for the son/DH to deal with. If OP doesn't like it, she doesn't 'have' to go and DH can process with his mother as he sees fit

She is bonkers. Way too much social media.

then of course there is her 65th to come
( former retirement date for some )
and her 70th
and her 80th
she may even celebrate her 75th

and of course

• her retirement date birthday unless she has already finished work / sahm / housewife

and don't forget special wedding anniversaries, I expect she's had her silver and pearl - there is the 40th to come ?
( ruby btw )

Surely milestone is more 80 or 90?

I have also noted that quite a few on here want to hear how the weekend itself goes.

I will do what I can — although I suspect it may end up being quite a long weekend.

Like others I'm also embarrassed for your MIL not buying dinner for her guests at this kind of do. She wants a fancy do paid for by others. Is she quite active on social media and wants this for the 'likes'?

Keen for family to be there for the whole expensive thing because of how it would look if they weren't ... while excluding the younger family members.

Hilarious.

Just say no. You're looking at spending easily over £1000 just to set foot on the premises, ££ for childcare cover back home, and £££ for a gift? Without being asked?

If she wants such a lavish event and forced attendance, then she should pay your hotel room for the weekend at the very least; she can clearly afford it.

100% agree with everything you said.

Crass. Unbelievably crass.

Book yourselves and kids into a cheaper hotel, tag-team the kids and use that as your excuse for why you can't commit to being party co-ordinator or whatever you're meant to be?