AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

100 mandatory guests, all paying for the meal as well as the expense of being/getting/staying there? What a joke. You're family and feel put out, imagine what her friends must be saying! I'm impressed you're going along with this circus- I'd be doing the meal and no more, especially if my kids weren't invited. This woman sounds quite something - has she also invited Hello magazine?!

She can want what she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to pretzel yourselves to accommodate her. I mean, what's the worst she can do if you don't turn up on for the Friday drinks because of childcare? Sulk? Tantrum? Throw you out of the family group chat? I'd see the latter as a good thing!

And what if your mum is ill on the day and can't look after the kids? Would MIL expect you to dump them on someone else?

She's being ridiculous, and so are your FIL and DH for pandering to her.

I know! I rented a room in the pub, paid for the food, made my own playlist and had a WONDERFUL evening. This is full on Birthdayzilla!

OP you MiL in bonkers and you're being far too polite saying ' nothing wrong with ' etc. It's a three line whip to stand to attention and part with £££££

You might be able to afford the money but you might not want to devote the time. Others may find the money really difficult too. Its shockingly insensitve and demanding, I think your DH ought to (gently??) point this out to her.

What a load of wank

I think it's absolutely outrageous.

To demand that family come for the whole weekend, but no children allowed, you should only wear certain colours, you've been 'volunteered' to organise/check stuff is all happening as it should (so won't find it very relaxing), AND you have to pay a huge amount for the privilege of obeying the Royal summons!

Oh, and on top of all of that, she wants a decent present too!

To not even pay for dinner for their guests I think is very poor. (I know, they're paying for drinks, big whoop).

It's fair enough if MiL wants a huge celebration for her 60th at a fancy hotel, but she should be paying for it, not expecting everyone else to. She's expecting couples with children to spend at least £1k !!
"I'd love you to come and celebrate my birthday with me! And by the way, it'll cost around £1,000".

Even if DH goes on his own on the Friday, you've still got to pay for a room for him.
And anyway there's a 2 night minimum at the hotel they've chosen...

I would be tempted to book an Airbnb nearby, DH goes on his own on Friday night, I would come with the kids on Saturday afternoon. And I wouldn't be running around checking arrangements either ...

Sorry, but I’d be telling MiL to eff off.

My MiL would absolutely have arranged her weekend around including her grandkids because, well, she loves them more than life.

This is a narcissistic event that I would want nothing to do with. It’s an effing birthday.

I’d be declining. So grateful every day I read MN for the wonderful PiLs that I have.

Very over the top. DH and I both 60th last year went for a meal at the local pub with adult kids and partners.

I get pretty pissed off when other people want to spend my money...

I find this cheeky and entitled, but for the sake of family harmony you probably need to be guided by your husband here. Personally I’d be tempted to let him go for the full weekend and only leave the kids for one night myself. It seems a shame to leave such young children for two nights when you aren’t even that keen on being at the occasion.

You are a kinder woman than me @CotswoldConundrum . If my Mil or anyone else really would try this with me I would laugh right out. Who does she think she is? An invitation is not a summons normally. And when you invite you don't make people pay. I would say no to everything tbh because it's so ott. Guess I would say I don't want to leave the children so as to keep the peace but no way I would indulge this weird birthday thing.

I was thinking similar: perhaps an attack of what my DM called "diplomatic flu".

OMG, how totally over-the-top! I would absolutely hate that! I can't abide fuss.

I'm the polar opposite of your mil. On my 60th birthday I went to work as usual. A kind colleague had made a cake, which I had a small slice of during my tea break. But other than that it was a normal, uneventful working day. I worked for 10 hours, went home, watched a bit of TV and then went to bed.

We normally do a pub lunch or a family bbq for big birthday celebrations for the parents and in laws. All seems a bit much really.

This is absolutely loopy.

Just to start with - a whole ‘family’ weekend with none of the grandchildren?

And is planning an event based on what the pictures will look like a thing now? I appreciate harebrained influencers do it, but grandmothers??

It’s sounds boring,i’d rather a party with my grandkids there aswell .

DH’s view is that it would look a bit odd if he turned up on his own initially and I arrived later, particularly as he’s apparently doing a speech on the Saturday.

It's not odd at all. It makes good sense. He goes on friday. You go in time to catch his speech on the saturday. Ignore the bs about the photos. Who cares? If she's got to 60 and not grown up enough to realise people have lives of their own, that's her issue. Doesn't mean you have to over indulge the fantasy. It's also very selective, this completeness that includes you all weekend but not her grandchildren. Sure it's her big birthday but that doesn't override everything else. Have some agency and compromise. It'll be nice for your DH to spend friday night just being her son before you join on Saturday like the rest of the guests. That's how I'd frame it. YANBU.

Given the vibes, I'd be tempted to turn up in a full-on wedding dress!

@CotswoldConundrum don't forget you have plans with me on those days so you're not actually available anyway 😉

Oh god the vanity of it all.
I just wouldn't go at all, but I'm the sort who never tells anyone it's my birthday, big one or small. I have friends who've had a birthday weekend or even a birthday year.
I think I might have gone out for a meal with DH on my 60th, can't remember.

I definitely wouldn’t accept being dictated to like that and told how to spend my money. I’d be happy with either the Friday drinks OR the Saturday dinner OR the Sunday brunch, but definitely not all three. And making a big deal about having to have family there but then excluding grandchildren? What’s that about?! And does she really expect that you will be able to get child care for an entire weekend including overnights? And even if you could do you really want to?! Big Nope from me!!

It's her 60th birthday! Wait till you get to that age - after an adult life running around after DC, you too may well want a really adult, glamorous event.

Even if you don't and that's not your style, let her have her occasion, just for her. You sound a bit mean-spirited about it.

Who on earth does she think she is???? This is so over the top. I would simply say that you can’t justify spending that much money on a weekend. I’m sure you aren’t the only one

To me, this is absolutely absurd.

The only 60th birthday’s I’ve been to have been a BBQ garden piss-up, and a pub meal.

A weekend celebration? In a luxury hotel? Seating capacity plans? Up to £1k to attend? Fucking ludicrous 😂

Apart from the obvious grandiose, narcissistic, grandchild excluding batshittery of all of this, she is throwing a party and everyone pays £95pp to attend? She’s insufferable.

I’ve never come across anyone who has planned anything like this, let alone a 60th birthday party! It sound completely bonkers and over the top. Quite honestly, I would refuse to indulge your mother in law in such ridiculousness and wouldn’t go .