AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Is she a Hollywood star?
I would do anything I could to get out of this.

We celebrate, we invite, we pay. The expectation are ridiculous. I am appalled with UK mentality of celebrating. Why you want me to pay foe your birthday plus you want a gift too? Bull

Wow, a big birthday yes. But it does sound rather overkill. Is she quite domineering usually? I too, would feel peeved that i wasnt given much choice over attendance. Also if someone wants that level of control and conditions about the event and staying at an expensive hotel both nights/dress code etc, they should contribute something towards your costs for the weekend.

It’s my MIL’s 70th this year. She’s doing long weekend away with big, extended family, private chef for one night for dinner. Her and her husband are footing the entire bill for everyone.

I’m appalled she’s asking everyone to fund her wedding party.

@Mayana1 please don't think this is how we usually do things in the UK.

Most of us, probably 99.9%, think this is totally crass and utterly outrageous.

If you invite people to a celebration, then they are your guests, and you pay for them. That's how it should be

This isn’t normal

I love celebrating big birthdays with friends and family. But in a down to earth way, where the focus is on the relationships you have made and the good times you have had. With weddings and birthdays these days, so many people lose sight of what these events should be about.

So she’s asking you to burn through £1k and deposit your children somewhere for the weekend?

It would be a clear and resolute no from me.

My Dad is turning 80 this year and my Step mum has arranged for a party in a hotel. She’s paid for rooms for us all and arranged childcare. There will be a lunch which the grandchildren are invited to the next day.

Im so grateful to her for this, I can’t imagine having to deal with what you have to. It’s totally unreasonable. I just wouldn’t go!

Absolutely. When I was 60 we got an Airbnb for the weekend (we paid) for us and our adult children and partners. We cooked, we had walks and games and lots of laughter. Perfect. Not a diva in sight.

I was 60 yesterday
I had a sausage bap and a lattè
The end

I voted YANBU, but really, I think you just have to suck it up? In your shoes, I would be on my bestest, most helpful behaviour, whilst also making the most of the wine and child free time! Have fun in your plain dress! 😆🥳

As a 70 yr old, if I wanted all that, I’d be paying accommodation etc. YANBU!!!

I am absolutely with all the people who think this is bizzarely ( unpleasantly) over the top. So I guess Im intrigued what you can do to make it reasonable. I guess the least confrontational thing - assuming you want to avoid a row - is just to tell her that you really really can't leave your relatively young children with strangers for 2 days and nights and tell her you're going for the Saturday evening. She sounds like a completely self-centered nightmare!

She’s hosting a party and you have to pay for your own meal? She should at least be paying for immediate family and actually she should be hosting the kind of party that doesn’t cost the guests anything - is she always ‘all fur coat and no knickers’? In my humble opinion it’s seriously naff to have a huge dinner and expect your guests to pay. She sounds absolutely insufferable. Even if you can afford it, why should you spend your money on this? It’s completely batshit.

She sounds insufferable. I guess just have a few extra drinks and realise it will be over with one weekend and then that's it

My 60th was spent alone because it was COVID and lockdown. no bubbles or anything

My inlaws did lovely celebrations for their joint 60th, but arranged and paid for it all and we just had to turn up, with the kids as they were invited too. This just sounds like a right pain in the arse and a Fortnum and Mason do on a Sainsbury's budget. I would go for the dinner and stay a night if we could get childcare. For us family were childcare for a night away so it would have been impossible if they were all involved.

Im glad she changed her tune about the grandchildren. Odd to do such a performative stunt around family without them.

I think the £95 for dinner is incredibly rude and tacky! She’s either throwing the party or she’s not! Guests should not be paying for dinner! SIBU!

Final note, my uncle had a big do for his 60th. At the time it seemed odd and a bit out of character. It turned out he had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and wanted a final hurrah. He disclosed his diagnosis in the following weeks.

It sounds like a joke. I can’t imagine having such a sense of self-importance.

It sounds absolutely intolerable.
My mum had a big do for her 60th too, I didn't go, but that's a story for another thread.
Just blame childcare issues and say you can only do the Saturday night. Let DH do what he wants.

I’m all on for celebrating milestones (or anything else, really, I tend to not need convincing!). The expectations here, however, particularly around guests paying for the meal, are a bit crass. If you invite people to a celebration, you at least pay for their meal, right? Leaving grandchildren out of the entire weekend feels distinctly odd.

Both sides of our family love to celebrate and milestone birthdays are as good an excuse as any. For both my mother’s and MiL’s 60th birthdays, there were big celebrations at posh hotels. Our parents/ PiLs really wanted us to be there, and did put gentle pressure (we didn’t need that much persuading!). But my father and FiL respectively paid for their children (plus partners) and grandchildren to stay for the weekend and for the entire meal. Grandchildren (not many at that point) were guests of honour, but hotel babysitters were also hired for later in the evening so parents could relax.

More recently we celebrated my mum’s 80th. This time around, her children and their partners covered most of the costs and made sure she was well pampered. There was no pressure to be there (but, again, very little persuasion needed!), and people chose themselves how long they’d stay. There were more grandchildren there than anyone else, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

I'm 60 this year too, I think it will be a trip to the pub.

There might be a get together later because a relative turns 40 and we are fed up of only meeting at funerals.

I agree.
Come to this hotel (pay for it), wear clothing bought to fit my specifications, (buy something new as I don’t like that dress you suggested), come to dinner,(pay for it) and make speeches about me and then give me an expensive gift. (Don’t bring the grandkids as they might take some of the attention). Thanks x

She’s a total diva and l would be quietly seething, but it’s sounds pretty unavoidable so l’d probably chose to reframe it in my mind and have a sense of humour about it ! Thank goodness for your parents and childcare and it might actually turn out to be a nice weekend away with your DH in a posh hotel . What l would do though, is be completely missing when any “duties” are allocated or just not do them .. be awol and stay under the radar so your husband can take the strain and you can enjoy yourself . Make a decision to mix and enjoy the people there and you might find even have a good time .

OP, you sound lovely and I’m sympathetic that you have to deal with a MIL like this for many years. Highly selfish behaviour, and these “landmark birthday” celebrations are ridiculous. I can’t get my head round the fact that she expects people to devote this much time and money to Fabulous Me. I’d be pondering DH’s role in enabling her behaviour.