AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

I don't wish to be an arse now the children are invited, but that sounds like a really boring weekend for them. Like a wedding reception but on repeat. Would they not have a better time with your mum?
How many other kids are now going and will they be able to be children or sit nicely for all these fancy meals? And will they eat?

I just had memories of being taken to similar as a child and being tired and bored and it seeming to never end. But maybe your kids are more grown up than I was.

ok so you can afford it, fair enough. What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t want her grandchildren there for any of the weekend. Surely milestone birthdays are about immediate family, grandchildren especially. My mom would hate to have a party without the grandkids present.

Do you want to piss her and the rest of the family off forever and get yourself and your kids cut out of the will and have a frosty forever after? Just suck it up and go. You’re only 60 once. Maybe she’s making up for all the tame birthdays she’s had in the past. Maybe she’s been diagnosed with terminal cancer and it’s her last hurrah. It’s her 60th. You do what she wants. Don’t be so passive aggresisve and pretend you’re the victim when you already said you can easily afford it and your mum can have the kids. You do this. For a lady turning 60. You keep the peace. All the people here telling you not to go just want the juicy sloppy gossip when you get cut out the will and your husband divorces you. There are some bitter people on here and you’re seeking validation from them. Do what’s right. Make your MIL happy. I hate mine and I would still do this for her as it’s a simple case of manners. Stop bitching about it and call her now to ask how you can help. You’ll have your hands free with no kids and you’re a good organiser. Offer to help. Make her birthday a really happy memorable occasion. It might even make you feel good about yourself. Stop snivelling and start helping.

Your MIL sounds like an entitled, controlling nightmare. I also think she's cheap. They are relatively well off, yet they are inviting people to attend a party to celebrate her birthday and expect them to pay for their dinner! I simply can't believe anyone would also try to dictate what others are allowed to wear, unless it was fancy dress. Does she have children other than your DH?

The only person with main character syndrome here is you. Stop making it about you and celebrate someone making your son who he is, making your family what it is, count your blessings and be happy. This is first world problems in the extreme. Get a grip.

@CotswoldConundrum

MiL is absolutely taking the piss, and sounds like a narcissist!! The assumptions would really get my back up!

It does sound like a wedding, and like she wants you there as staff, not so much as guests! Wants consistency for the photos, a dress theme?! WTF?!

If you go, good luck!!

@Yabbadabbadooooooo is clearly an overbearing MIL who likes to boss her family around.

So, what is she paying for?!?!

This is the maddedt thing ever. I couldn't deal with this. Especially not leaving my children behind. My parents would want their grandchildren with them. This is all about optics, not who is there. It's actually very sad.

Only read the first page & this one. I had 2 thoughts:

Why isn't MIL paying for everybody's meals & hotel rooms if she's going to be so exacting?

And is MIL going to be wearing muted clothes just like everybody else, or is she going to use you all as a muted background to her extravagantly OTT, loud outfits? If you do go to it, please report back!

That'd be a no for me

Reading the title I thought it's her birthday do what she wants. But she's asking people to spend stupid amounts of money and banning kids? She can have her ambience and id stay home and have takeaway pizza and a kitchen disco with my kids

I'd probably be sending my apologies with the excuse of no childcare available. Leave DH to go alone, save yourself the stress.

Only read first and second page. I would push back though on separate tables, unless you know and like the other people on your table, and 2) you don’t get sucked into being the dogs body and general project manager.
you’re paying a lot for someone else’s birthday so you’re as entitled as everyone rise to sit back and enjoy yourself

For me not wanting my children(her grandchildren) to be there would have been a decisive factor. I would have said we can’t come without children.

This sounds so much more fun!

That would be OTT for a wedding....

This!!! You do not “invite” people to a party or celebration and ask them to pay… Ever!!! A group of friends or family agreeing to go out to dinner together for something is the only scenario in which this is acceptable.

Jesus are they millionaire celebrities?! All very extravagant!!

Totally agree with this. If you're paying so much to be there as a guest, no way should you be doing any work for her that weekend. Just knock back that vintage champagne for free & be incapable of being 'so organised' (was it?).

Oh, & feel free to arrange with someone in the other family to swop seats so you & they sit with their own family. Don't tell MIL, just do it.

YANBU. It’s more than most close family weddings expect!

And how the other half lives: minimum spend of £750 per couple (£560 for room for minimum two nights plus £95pp for dinner!), plus travel, outfits, gift!!

She sounds a nightmare and your DH weak.

It’s her approach that’s the problem: demanding and expecting rather than asking what you think. If she wants you there for the entire weekend, she should pay for the hotel. Or, better still, sound out the family first about what’d work best for them. Renting a lovely big house and getting in caterers/going out for meal could be much better for an extended family that includes young kids.

She shouldn’t be getting you to help organise her birthday weekend when you have kids aged 7 and 4. She should get one of her own kids to do it, such as your DH. Or employ someone if she’s so minted.

Can’t DH go on his own if MIL’s not bothered about the kids being there? If that’d cause problems with her or your DH, you have a problem.

I can’t believe you have to pay for your own dinner !
Are you sure that’s correct OP?
Or is it maybe a charity type birthday dinner ?

I’d be so embarrassed to be chatting to her ‘invited’ guests on the Saturday night knowing they must think your family has brazenly asked for them to pay for their own dinner. I can’t come to terms with that sort of ‘invitation’ at all. Is it normal in wealthy families to be so mean and entitled ?
I would find that really awkward and don’t blame you for being upset about it.

I would be more inclined to let your DH go on his own and then just take your children to the Sunday brunch to celebrate grandma’s birthday.
I think that far from ruining the ambience, the children would enhance it and bring a bit of real-life normality to the weekend….especially if you let them choose and wrap their own gifts for grandma and bring a bunch of balloons and a sainsburys birthday cake.

Look odd to whom? The same people who know full well that you have young children?

For my 60th, I went to a matinee with son where we sneaked in fizzy wine, followed by a takeaway. It was fab. Each to their own, but would hate the hoo-ha your in-law has organised. Choose what you want to do, not what is ‘expected’ of you.

Glad kids now allowed

its a lot to ask someone to have kids for 48hrs +

if you can afford it then go and now kids can go even better

bur yes sounds a lot of effort for a birthday
and ouch at cost of hotel per night

Definitely wear the dress you already have too, the only reason she didn't think it was suitable is it she thinks you will look nicer and younger than her.
If she ask tell you have bought something else but on the day you changed your mind.