AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Yeah, the issue here that is if you want a big fancy country house weekend away and invite your nearest and dearest then you book out the accommodation and host them. You don’t ask them for £1k each. Your MIL is wanting something she can’t afford.

Wow, I cant imagine spending or expecting guests to be spending that kind of money for a big birthday. My MIL had her 70th and we did spend a fair bit as a family, but more because her children had organised a surprise party in her home town and in order to surprise her we all had to fly in from different countries and book Airbnb. We did have time for ourselves though and it was a fleeting weekend break. Our family big birthdays are a lot more economical and generally involve bring and share/ barbecues at one person's house and everyone else staying overnight nearby or going home at the end of the night. No less fun. I think your MIL must be a bit of a diva if she thinks this much expense and this long away from your kids is reasonable. I would definitely be sending DH alone to at least most of it on the grounds of difficulty getting childcare for a whole weekend.

Very good point.

If you conclude going is the least worst option, then your next big birthday:

• Book a holiday home in a place you’ve always wanted to go
• Tell DH’s family they’re coming
• Charge them £280pn per room
• Charge them £95pp for groceries
• Tell them the dress code is 80s roller disco
• Provide them with a John Lewis gift list
• Get them to babysit while you and DH go out for a lovely meal and a lie in the next morning.

How could they object?

It was my 60th last September and we had 25-30 family and friends round for a buffet and drinks and had the best time. My extravagance was getting caterers to do the buffet 🤣

This. It sounds like a big wedding weekend instead of a birthday. I was obviously a cheap date as I went to the Harry Potter experience with my daughters and a separate meal out for my 60th!

Well, this. It sounds completely mad.
There has been a massive inflationary uplift to weddings so they are huge events. Probably the marriage itself still last less time than when it was yous, family and friends in a church hall or something.
It doesn't sound like you will, but I would work out what you can do without completely inconveniencing your own family, explain to the about-to-be 60 year old, and do that.
Perhaps show your DH these responses? He might think his mother is being normal

Just decline politely. Who says families have to go along with all this sh☆t. I'm 60 later this year. I'm having a peaceful W/E in Snowdonia with my daughter (she's paying for the Air B & B) & my dogs. Plus a girls only lunch at a local hotel a few days later. (I'm paying) Why make all the fuss, drama & expense? Times are hard!

This - This is ott, it's a birthday, she's not getting married; if she expects people to spend 2 nights in an expensive hotel, plus expensive meal perhaps she should pay also you may not want to be away from your children for 2 nights, totally unreasonable.

I’d say something like “I can’t arrange childcare, I’ll stay home, husband can go along”.

What does your DH think?
Whole thing is utterly ridiculous but I guess she knows yous can afford it so you will be expected to attend and comply.
I mean who are you going to pay to leave your kids with all weekend? I would never leave them with a stranger or rent a nanny or is that something that people actually do 🤷‍♀️

Who does she think she is,The Queen of Sheba,totally over the top.

Personally I think if you have a big event like this and we just been to one 4 months ago from a very close friend that involved 3 days a stage dancers , waiters , suits , dresses for photos and even flights etc , it was also a 60th birthday . She paid for everybody. Who on their right mind demand people to behave this way and expect them to take time from their kids and have to pay and gift stuff on top of everything

Who invites people to their party but expects them to pay for the privilege, and get a present. If you hold a party you pay, end off!

PMSL at this story! I am over 60 and so are many of my friends and relatives. I've never heard the like.

I’m 60 this year .
i have a husband and three adult married children.
I have a large extended family.
my birthday will be as low key as I can possibly make it . No drama no fuss.
I blame social media and peoples feelings of entitlement.
I think your mother in law sounds ridiculous narcissistic and extremely hard work.
I would never put my family under such pressure . I feel for you.

I took my DM to New York for her 60th birthday (it was her dream to go) a few years ago, and even that sounds like less fuss than your MIL’s plans.

What is she like in general, OP?

Blimey! Went to Abba Voyage with the kids and partners for my 60th, danced a lot and had too much fizz to drink then went for a Greek meal. Fantastic day!! Also cocktails, dinner and a night in a lovely London hotel with just dh meeting him after work. Oh and drinks/nibbles with the lovely neighbours.

Baffles me too. Just really really really don’t relate to it at all.

@CotswoldConundrum I wouldn't want to go, it sounds awful.

Also it’s something that we can’t all do otherwise every day in the diary would be full of birthday celebrations and we’d have to use all of our money to pay for birthday celebrations.

It’s all a bit OTT isn’t it? A full weekend of events & you have to find childcare for a whole weekend ( might be difficult as usual family sitters are at the event?) I would only want to go to the dinner personally.

What kind of a family have you married into! Please do what feels right for you. What else will you be made adhere to in the future.

Inviting ppl for a birthday meal that they have to pay £95 for is some cheek!!
Is MIL a celebrity or the like?
Shes clearly deluded about herself.

This is batshit for many reasons.

Am I alone in thinking it’s bizarre to expect people to pay to attend this event? If I’m reading this correctly ( and I haven’t read the whole thread so bear with me)

1. She’s expecting 100 guests to fund their own dinner and accommodation? Or is that expected only from close family?
2. And the grandchildren are not invited?
3. And substantial gifts are expected on top?

I find this level of entitlement and self absorption baffling.

I hate that separating couples thing - when the organiser (person celebrating) decides to split up couples to make them talk to new people. That they will probably never see again.

It would piss me off even more if I had to pay to attend and couldn't sit next to my partner.