AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

In that case the children come too. That would be my boundary. All of us, including the kids, or you don’t get us the whole weekend. Take your pick.

She sounds awful.

What will you do with the children during the dinner?

Agree with those saying if you do this, you pay for your guests.

I can see the problem now.

A woman whose husband has never dared stand up to her and whose son has been brought up to consider her the centre of the universe. Therefore she's got used to whatever she decides, however batshit, coming to pass. Because everyone has spent their lives facilitating her.

I really really hope that this is the final line and that just about all the invitees get up on their hindlegs and say 'no fucking way'.

But I rather suspect that MIL has trained everyone (possibly with withdrawal of affection or teary tantrums) to obey her every whim and now her whims, however outrageous, are regarded as normal.

She Who Must Be Obeyed, absolutely.

It's a good exercise to try and practise responding in the moment. So as soon as this plan was shared you answer 'Sounds brilliant! We can't come for 3 days but will join you Saturday lunchtime and leave Sunday late afternoon. Mum will look after the kids.'
Don't wait to be told what to do, take control.

Wow so you are paying £1,000 for the privilege then being expected to run around sorting playlists etc. I think if she wants to impress everyone with a OTT party she rather needs to fund it herself.

One things for sure, where whatever the hell you like!

And reward the awful behaviour of the woman who has made demands about availability, large sums of money, childcare, how much additional help is required and even what clothes people are allowed to wear by smiling and saying "of course, all perfectly reasonable behaviour"?

Nope. Rude and entitled behaviour like that absolutely deserves to be challenged and not let go for a quiet life.

Extraordinary to be so demanding. Is MIL always like this?
Also bizarre to worry about photos looking odd if the whole family isn't there. Nobody who wasn't at the event will be the slightest bit interested.
Pick your battles, I guess. You could take a stand but is it worth the hassle.

Thats a lot, one night yep ok no worries. But the entire weekend hmm....

This. How can it be important to have immediate family but not her own grandchildren there?

It sounds like you will all be on egg shells.

One thing I would beware of. For someone who so clearly knows what she precisely wants and has no qualms about laying down to others about requirements, I would run a mile from being given any organising tasks whatsoever. That, or make sure you know exactly what it is she is expecting you to do. If not you will take the rap for things going wrong, not being done as she would have wanted.

Expect tears possibly. She will expect the whole weekend to go completely smoothly, to have extra surprises that she will like, to feel like a complete queen.

It doesn’t sound relaxing put it that way. I hate to say it but it sounds like someone who thinks this is how posh people might behave.

As unreasonable as all this is I would go along with it as you’ll never hear the end of it if you don’t. It’s one weekend and families are crazy.

I hate your mother in law and I don't even know her.

How very precious and self-indulgent of her.

I'd just send your husband on his own for the whole weekend. It's such a shame you can't sort childcare out/the dog's ill and needs medicine 6 times a day, because you'd have loved to go otherwise...

YANBU

What kind of person doesn’t invite their own grandchildren to their birthday party?!

Maybe she sees this as her one chance at a truly special day, maybe her wedding was low key and she feels like she missed out or didn't have a day?
I do think you could be a bit kinder instead of complaining.

Even worse - what kind of person has to be persuaded into inviting their own grandchildren (this is what seems to have happened)? So she couldn't even justify it by saying that the hotel wasn't suitable for children or there were people there who didn't like/couldn't cope with the noise of children.

It was just an arbitrary decision that she is now backing down on (and everyone is going to hear ALL about that backtrack for years to come).

What a nightmare, I'd decline the invite it's way too over the top

Yes.
Edited, they can choose not to come.

Edited: as previous poster completely changed their comment.

No.
Just a woman who would love to celebrate sixties birthday, one day.

I am sure the hotel will do a lovely weekend. But for it to be super it might need to be a little less choreographed.
I do wonder that the whole weekend will wear a bit. I would have dinner only with drinks beforehand. If people want to stay over up to them.

I would not be indulging this! I would not say 60 is a milestone birthday either - and I am nearly 60.

Think about it OP: if you pander to this stressful, self-indulgent shit, you won’t be around to celebrate your own 60th as your funeral will have happened before you get there.

So this is her 60th celebration then we have 65 70 75 ...MIL sounds a right diva lol..im sure there will be a sickness bug or chickenpox going round that w/e...hopefully..

I hope you get to too. And that if you do you won't exclude close family, make it awkward for other family to attend because of that, demand people spend the cost of a small holiday on you and insist on vetting what they wear so the photos fit your personal aesthetic because hpw the event looks is more important than actually celebrating.

Avoid all of that awful behaviour, which is incredibly easy to so and still have a lovely celebration, and you're good to go!