AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Good god what a parade: it's all very well to spend a fortune on a milestone birthday by putting it on yourself and treating your attendees, not expecting them to foot the bill and assign them roles.

She sounds alot like my aunt and if she's as similar as she sounds, she won't be happy with it after th fact anyway and I'll pick fault.

Turning 60, a milestone birthday or hen do - I don’t see that one is more important than the other. Perhaps a wedding (dependent on who - relative, close friend - or not ).

The big difference for me is that people don't throw their own hen dos - the bridesmaids arrange it. If the family had collectively decided to throw this party for MiL then that would be fine - and I'd expect them then to pay for it. It's throwing yourself a party that you then get other people to pay for that's not on.

Jesus Christ. Is she having a three-quarter life crisis or is she always like this?

It’s odd that she is big on family being there but not her grandchildren??

Good points. If the payment situation isn't made crystal clear to guests, it'll be havoc on the night. Be wary of ending up in a position where you have to 'explain' this to guests, ie ask them for money.

Who throws a party and expects guests to pay? That seems very weird to me. I'd say that you can't get a babysitter for that long and just dip into one part of it.

I've no idea why people do this sort of thing. Me and DH went to Jamaica for my 50th, I didn't even see my adult kids on the day. I'll most likely do similar for my 60th. No drama!

I think it sounds fabulous 🙈 but then I'm doing something similar-ish for my upcoming 50th. But without the posh hotel (rented a big country house for the weekend).

Though mine was presented very much as an "opt in" event with no expectations placed on anyone. I also haven't even thought about "photos" but have picked out my party dress for the Saturday night (not black tie).

What a self obsessed woman your MIL is. The whole weekend sounds my idea of hell.

It’s completely over the top to the point of ridiculousness. My bloke’s 60th was a meal for a dozen friends and family in private dining and I paid the entire bill. I can’t even remember mine, I think we might have gone to Pizza Express! My 70th was a posh lunch - we paid - and his will be a whole family week in a huge holiday rental. Again we’re paying.

No doubt people will come on here and call you "tight", which happens on the wedding threads!
Many MN posters seem happy to spend £1k upwards on a wedding, and occasions like this.
If your husband is set on going then you're just going to have to absent yourself, but I suspect the money is spent.

I would opt out of additional duties; you have children to entertain. Let one of her besties take that role. Be graceful and apologetic but firm.

Ridiculous! She’s 60! That’s not really a milestone anymore. And dictating what you can wear is crazy and insulting. Is she The Queen?

Are you a bit put out by the expectation element rather than anything else?
if so, i don't think you ABU .
But ,ask yourself honestly if you had simply been invited to all the parts of this large celebration would you and your DH accept or decline certain bits of it?
If yes, perhaps you should say so .
If no, say nothing but feel a bit put out .
You feelings are your feelings.

I had a MIL who organised things like this. The difference was that she didn't like spending too much money, but otherwise, the same.
Realistically, the fallout if you don't go along with everything is resentment and trouble that will last many years, possibly even a nervous breakdown (talking about my family here).
It's not ideal , but probably the easiest is just to go along with it , then be pretty demanding of her when you next have a big birthday.

To quote the great London based philosopher Zammo McGuire "Just say no!"

I seriously could not imagine being this self-absorbed. The mind boggles!!

Grateful that for my mum's recent milestone birthday, we went to a restaurant for lunch and visited a local art exhibition. Organised by us as she wouldn't have herself. And she paid for the restaurant.

Not quite the same but my parents went in for some extravagant celebration for a big wedding anniversary with a meal in a hotel, rooms overnight etc. Speeches.

I wouldn't have minded but they side lined one of my sisters for no good reason apart from the fact she has a really busy job and wasn't as able to support organisation and also my Dad has had at least 4 affairs I'm aware of so spending all that time and money to celebrate what is essentially a sham felt a bit crap.

But did I kick off and not go? No, much to my shame, I went along with it all. Much as I'd do in your situation OP.

Make the best of it IMO. It's a weekend away without the kids. Have noisy sex in hotel rooms, if it keeps great auntie Mildred awake then that would be hilarious. Have lie ins and take the piss out of the whole situation like a couple of naughty kids. It could turn out to be good fun in the end.

You can afford and it’s her 60th. Just indulge it. Once over and she’s had a lovely time you’ll feel better for it that complaining

I have no problem with her ‘birthday weekend’ . I was lucky enough to have something similar , (Country house with caterers )except for some fairly important points.

1. i knew nothing about it until the moment I arrived. I would have been mortified to presume 50 people wanted to come to my 60th.
2. let people know the agenda /activities so that they can pack appropriate clothing. Never would I dictate colours. The joy of a big social occasion includes all the different colours and dress choices.
3. My DH paid for everything. You do not invite people to a party and charge them for bed and board. It is beyond crass. If you can’t afford to throw your party then adjust your budget and plan something within your own means.

OP’s MIL doesn’t like spending her own money either, she’s making everyone spend their own to celebrate her reaching the ripe old age of 60! 😂

I take it you're expecting people to pay for themselves as well then?

If people can't afford to host then they shouldn't do it.

The kids are now going!

Being a bit cynical but was not inviting dgc because she wants you free to do what ever little task is thrown your way.

Also the references to immediate family only and having to be persuaded to include dgc.

If your mil didn’t think immediate family meant her own gc then surely you wouldn’t be included in the immediate family

Is that why she has split families up so she can get her own dc on their own

It all sounds a bit odd. The words used don’t match reality