AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Agree.

And wear whatever you like. There's no way I would allow anyone to dictate what I wear to a birthday party. I would also be refusing the 'tasks' she has lined up for you, I would possibly do one thing if it wasn't too onerous but that's it. You are not her PA, event organizer or maidservant!

Unbelievably tacky to dictate all of this and then expect you to pay for your own dinner.

My parents are well off. My dad bought himself a boat for his 60th. We launched it at a party at a small hotel by a river. My dad paid for the boat, the hotel and the meals. DSis and I bought a quite pricey but thoughtful gift. He was pleased and said thank you.

That is normal.

This is not!!!

Frankly, your MIL is a disgrace. If you're going to "host" such a self obsessed event then at least have the decency to pay for it. Not a chance I'd spend a thousand pounds on this when she doesn't even give a shit enough to feed you. I guarantee the apparent all inclusive drinks dry up pretty quick too.

It's all about looking good in pictures. Who on earth gives people a dress code for a bloody 60th FFS. Honestly it's absolute insanity and you've been brain washed OP. Wake up and opt out before she's so high on her horse that she starts thinking she can control other aspects of your life.

Absolutely. It's all about her insta posts.

Fuck that. I’d not be going or supporting that entitled behaviour in anyone.

I’d just laugh at the suggestion and tell her I’m busy that weekend. It sounds atrocious. I wouldn’t consider attending even if she paid me to.

I would have been out the minute I was told I'm not sat with DH. That's sounds intentionally rude. Yes mix family friends but you do so in couples. At my wedding I had tables of 8 or 12 and they were half and half mixed I did not split couples or households

@CotswoldConundrumi have questions...
Has she actually booked this and invited people, or is this still the planning stage?
Has she thought through the logistics of having people pay for their own meal? As someone said, the hotel staff are going to have fun going round all the tables with a card reader.
Who's paying for the rest of your meals while you're there?
How's it going to work having people turn up for drinks who weren't invited for the meal? It only works at weddings because the wedding breakfast is so early. She can't invite people to arrive for a normal after dinner time, surely.
Has she actually drafted an invitation which tells people that they are coughing up £95 and have to wear colours she approves?!

Oh I would ignore that even if I did go. You can't dictate where someone sits for a meal that they are paying for themselves.

In your shoes, I'd be worrying what's coming up for Ruby and Golden wedding anniversaries, MiL's 70th birthday, MiL's 75th, MiL's 80th ...

I’m interested in how people do this? Presume the other side of the family?

Utterly ridiculous. Who does she think she is !??
I would have absolutely loved for my grandchild to be at my 60th ( that was a while ago )but my other adult children are far too far away .
Mine was a wee bit of afternoon tea somewhere not too far from our home .
Only myself , my husband and my youngest adult child .
I got a couple of carefully chosen but not expensive gifts from my SIL , and my sister .
A voucher from another family member and that was it !!

How rude to expect people to pay for their meals at her party

Oh , well that’s an improvement I guess .
So hoping FIL and MIL will ask the hotel to organise a vetted babysitter then ?

Yep, looks like MIL gets a massive, extravagant party that everyone else gets the honour of paying for.

For my 60th we took the DC, their partners and the DGC on holiday to a lovely hotel in Croatia for a week, and we paid! I could not imagine not having the DGC there. Oh and there were no speeches 😄

I just wouldn't go if I were the OP. Let the husband toddle off, speech in hand, to bask in the refected light of his narcissist mother.

My god, this is way too much. I don't know what you can do but why is 60 a 'milestone' now? And why is 40, whuch I also read so much about here? Do we not expect to survive that long?

I think even Queen Elizabeth herself used to have more understated birthdays than this 😂

OP I feel your pain. Can you step back and let your husband deal with it and you stay to look after the kids?

We were invited to a wedding in South England and were the North of Scotland. It wasn’t put to us as optional. MIL booked our hotel (and kindly paid) but travel wasn’t included. It was going to cost us upwards of £1000 for this wedding once travel costs, outfits, gifts, child and pet care were taken into consideration. I’ve decided to stay behind with the children and pets and let my OH deal with the wedding. If MIL doesn’t like it she can suck it up.

I suggest you do the same. It’s only a birthday ffs.

This is madness. It's my 60th year this year and I plan to do something, even something small each month. For the day itself I went out for dinner with some of my family and a week later I had a Sunday lunch with my best friend.

If her expectations are that everyone goes for the weekend then she pays for it.

An ex friend of mine had a plan for us all to fund a trip for her birthday on the Orient Express. I don't understand how people think others have this kind of money or think others would want to spend it on them. It puts so much pressure on people.

Ooh, that would be a good way out.

She sounds like a right princess!

I'm with you on this one. I think I would be inclined to go for just the main evening and be a brilliant guest, let husband attend all of it and take the consequences.

Late to the party but your mil sounds a complete self absorbed entitled twat. Is she related to Trump with all her demands?
I wouldn't be going in any capacity to indulge this nonsense. H could but I wouldn't, the fall out would be an excellent reason for me to never see the stupid woman ever again, and any other entitled idiots who think she's wonderful.

I went to the local pub and restaurant. Ten of us I paid including champagne. Some offered to contribute but no need.
Sounds like an excuse for social media glory.

That sounds entirely reasonable... for the fucking Queen. Otherwise it just sounds narcissistic. But, let's not say no to narcissists. So, I'd just suck it up to keep the peace. It's only a weekend, just don't get smashed and impart a few home truths... 🥂