AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Can you stay home with dc and DH share a room with a sibling?

MIL shouldn’t be expecting a gift after all this expense, she sounds grabby as fuck.

Or don’t book a room and you all unexpectedly become ill.

Your mother in law sounds more bonkers than mine.

The MIL cant afford the lifestyle she thinks she deserves and so makes other pay for it, and yet still plays the grande dame!

She also feels she must command people's attendance, in a colour scheme of her choosing, to give the illusion of what? A happy family?

I would plan to have covid that weekend, and go into glorious isolation.

A lot of people have been laughing at Bridezilla stories recently. When most of us were kids, the idea a bride (or sometimes groom!) would dictate what guests wear, and basically act like it was a Royal Wedding was ridiculous. Now apparently lots do (got an invitation for a hen do with a dress code and a demand to spend a fortune!).
Seems your MIL has been reading some of these things and decided she didn't get to be demanding enough at her won do! If you can afford it, I'd tend to let it go, and just let her have her "vision" this time. If she starts making it a regular thing, politely decline.

Wow, that sounds utterly madness. I've been trying to remember what we did for my inlaws 60ths. Mil was 60 in summer 2020 so I think we had dinner together in the garden. I went to a national trust property for my 40th, I can't stand most national trust properties including that one but I didn't get to choose.

Attention seeker much - in our family we pay for guests if we are having a party - that includes hotels

I misread that as “ a Rocketeer!
😆😆

When I turned 21 (the legal drinking age in the US), my very first milestone birthday, my two friends and I drank a quart of Jose Cuervo tequila.
And I didn’t feel very well immediately after that, or the day after that.
That’s why they call it “tokillya.”
So that was the last milestone birthday I celebrated, or ever felt the need to celebrate.
And to be truthful, @CotswoldConundrum a party like your MIL’s would embarrass me in its excess.
Have fun stormin’ the castle.
There’s still time to catch a fever or sprain your ankle or throw your back out. Covid is still going around.
You don’t have to be the dutiful DIL, y’know.

Good Lord! Ok, my former not-in-laws are terribly, terribly smart. Significant events are usually marked by extended family dinners at their club, to which I am still invited, and which I sometimes still attend (it’s complicated). They always, always pay for everything. To have one’s guests pay for themselves is just Not Done.
I am not terribly smart. I give people cheap plonk and make them sit on my manky sofa. I still wouldn’t dream of making my guests pay for themselves though!

When I had a big birthday do, I did a buffet tea for 20 people. It was summer and a lovely day, so we sat in the garden. My son made a big gooey chocolate cake. It was really lovely.

@CotswoldConundrum I think your MIL is completely bat shit wanting all that fuss and expecting people to fork out vast sums of money.

and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

Surely whoever has organized this is the only person who can ensure it runs smoothly.

I'm always gobsmacked at the entitlement such people feel - to other's attention, time, money etc. I would cringe rather than impose such a thing on family and friends. And, if I did want to do a thing like this, the least I would do is pay for those who were coming (I can't so I won't but you get the point). Super spoiled and entitled behavior in my view. You don't need to go along with all of it. Just go for part of it that works, where your OH is giving a speech. This would also lower her expectations of you for future events (she is only 60, there will be other events where she plays princess, I'm sure!)

That does sound extremely OTT. If I wanted to do something like that (and no way on earth i’d want that much attention on me) then i’d be paying the bill for the whole weekend. Expecting family to fork out over 1k each family for my bday weekend is not something i’d entertain for a second.

It sounds like it's out of character for her from what you've said.

Sorry if I missed it but does your DH have any siblings/cousins with children? Or are you the only immediate family that would need to sort childcare for the whole weekend?

What is his speech supposed to be about..? Obviously MIL, but, can be just do a generic "happy 60th birthday mum, we all love you loads, here's to many more! " toast instead of a speech? That's throwing me off with the colour scheme part.

Part of me thinks good for her, and it could be a great weekend for you all but something's off if she doesn't normally want much fuss
She's not ill or something? Or FIL?

sounds like she wants you all there (maybe without the children but they're invited now thanks to fil 😂) to have a good time so if you can afford it, I'd go.

you have to update once you've been though!

Why would you need to pay for overnight childcare?
Is there not someone on your side who could do it?

I dunno, it’s all a bit much for sure. For me it would depend on how good she is the rest of the time; I’d entertain all this if she was a really supportive MIL/grandmother, but would be less inclined if the relationship just wasn’t there.
It definitely gives wedding vibes! Fair play to her for being able to fill a party with 100 guests! 😮 I’d be lucky to fill a room with a fifth of that 🤣

This reminded me of my great uncle actually.
He paid for about 100 people to have a catered two course roast for his 90th at a village hall, he's a farmer so knew most local people, and is notoriously tight.
He kept saying he didn't mind because it would be the last party he'd have to pay for, (not that he'd had any others lol), and he ended up doing the same again two years ago for his 100th 😂 and still going strong!

Bloody hell, I had a family meal for my 60th, just the seven of us, lovely place, ante & drank what we wanted, and close to home. The £700 bill I picked up.

What a birthdayzilla! It all sounds so staged (for photos?) rather than being a proper celebration.

And what's with the demand that you organise things on the day, while paying for the privilege?

I wouldn't personally go. But now it sounds like you will be going, please keep us informed when the weekend itself comes around!

What a faff. I went to a remote Scottish island with my DH for my 60th. I would say it was perfect expect it wasn't as DH caught Covid and was ill the whole time we were away!

For me, she could expect all she likes but I’d make my own decision as to whether I stayed over, what I wore and how much organising I’d choose to do.
It sounds like a crap weekend to me. I’d be declining and enjoying a weekend with my kids.

God what a control freak! I wouldn't even go to this sounds like a night of walking on eggshells incase you put a toe out of line and ruin princess's special birthday. Jeez

Your FIL sounds much nicer than your MIL. I would imagine that a lot of your issues with your DH arise because your DH worships at the altar of Mummy who sounds like an entitled self-absorbed nightmare.

Your MIL sounds like the sort of unsympathetic 'new money' social-climber character often featured in Jilly Cooper books.

Can you easily afford it?

Does your DH want to go?

Can you find the childcare?

if so, then put a smile on your face, put your best dress on and go and enjoy yourself with your family in a lovely hotel, nice meal, etc.

Only on MN will people tell you not to go for no reason other than spite which will ruin the weekend for your DH and create problems in the family and in your marriage.

Sounds bloody horrendous.

FFS……all that planning and control……and she totally disregards her grandkids!! In essence …. you and DH have been allocated tasks…..and you’re having to pay for the privilege of executing them?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers! MIL is deranged and entitled!