AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Come to my 60th instead. I’m going camping in Wales- kids are welcome!!

Seriously though, this ‘party’ sounds bloody awful!

Sounds ghastly.

I do think in this instance that YABU in your attitude towards the weekend. You’ve said you can afford it and you could arrange childcare but this is now no longer necessary. Your DH is close to his mum and this weekend celebration in a posh hotel is obviously an acceptable proposal to the family. I certainly wouldn’t organise anything on this scale for myself, but for any big family celebration there is an expectation that my adult children will be on hand to help, and I do the same for my parents along with my brother. It’s just the done thing. OP, you sound resentful of having to put yourself out for your MIL.

Dear Lord, OP, I'm 60 and this whole thing sounds horrific. I know I'm unusual, in that I completely ignore my own birthdays, but even my "more normal" friends didn't do anything like this. Most didn't bother much at all, one or two had a long weekend away. One, with a summer birthday, had a small party in her back garden and asked for donations to her favourite charity.
I can't get ny head around the utter narcissism of your MIL, who thinks she is so special that she can put people through all this nonsense. I don't know how you get out of it - bar faking illness - but you have my deepest sympathy.

wow, massive narcissism energy!

Sounds absolutely nuts! Expecting people to shell out a grand on a weekend because she has reached a specific number of years. I can't imagine having the temerity to expect people to shell out like that. Imagine if everyone did that!

Gotta love how she wants her grandchildren nowhere her Main Character Weekend! She sounds absolutely ghastly.

There have been several instances with the MIL in the past with myself, I always saw it in good faith but now I just feel like, and please excuse me. She’s taking the P*

I don’t know, with the DC now able to come - I feel like I just want to find the most expensive drink on the menu and dodge whatever ghastly tasks she gives over the weekend.

As for the DH, we’ve had problems in the past - but that’s for another day, if the DC are there the whole weekend then I’ll see if DH won’t drink one night, and I do - and vice versa to look after the kids.

I would have gladly stayed at home with the children and send dh himself to celebrate his mums 60th.

sounds too much of a faff for me and too much of being told what to do while having to pay for it. I wouldn’t be happy going and having to sit at a different table from dh either.

Yep, this whole thing sounds like my worst nightmare. No way I'd be going. As for the duties, I'd just declare that you'll be busy looking after the children so will be unable to perform any additional duties.

Has Hello magazine been invited?

Surprisingly not, I wouldn’t put it past her though.

I haven't RTFT @CotswoldConundrum because it's late and I'm shattered but one thing that stood out for me was the dress thing. She absolutely cannot tell you what you can and can't wear.

Do you think she's worried you might upstage her? Wear what you like - barring your lounging around clothes.

Lame

Good grief what a palaver. We had a party for my husbands 60th and rented a room with a meal, drinks etc and about 40-50 family and friends. We paid for the room, food and drink but not accommodation for those who had to travel but we did not dictate where they should stay and it was one night. Children were also welcome. For mine we had a restaurant meal out with immediate family which we paid for and DH and I did a cruise. I cannot imagine orchestrating an event like your MIL wants but expect people to attend for a whole weekend and pay for accommodation and food.

If MIL would like a big celebration weekend, she should be paying for it. You're not a guest if you're funding the celebration!

Oh yes - this! It’ll be house white, house red, lager or lemonade!

This is literally "unbelievable".

This is totally batshit!!

She is off her rocker with entitlement.

I hope the MIL comes across this thread.

On reflection though.... I find it hard to believe this is even real.

Bloody hell, who does she think she is. What sort of grandmother wouldn't want to have her grandchildren included. She sounds very self entitled.

That is such a "good idea" for a thread. If only more people would discuss entitled grandparents on here, MN would be soooo much more interesting.

This is all so outrageous it is actually pathetic. Your MIL clearly needs a lot of attention and she has normalized this for your DH all his life. What a nightmare of a woman. She sounds like a complete control freak who is madly in love with herself!

And how cheap to invite people to a dinner and expect them to pay! Offering to pay for drinks but not the food?! Who does that?

Clearly this woman is ME ME ME and has no issue putting people out. A nice dinner out is the normal thing. A three day extravaganza is expecting worship.

Her not wanting her grandchildren included on a birthday which is clearly VERY significant to her just shows how shallow she is. At least they can go in the end and be an excuse to hide out in the hotel room.

For what it is worth, we run in wealthy circles and I have NEVER heard of something like this. The woman thinks she is walking the red carpet!

@CotswoldConundrum You have to pay for the dinner? What is mil paying for then? If you can, just go on the Saturday and stay over. Don’t go for 2 nights. Who asks guests to pay for their celebratory dinner? How mean.

Wow - what a diva she is!

@CotswoldConundrum a couple of things;

"MIL has said she’d ideally like “immediate family there for everything"
I'm sure you realise, this is code for her and her children

Would not even entertain attending.

As the "main character" she will have a wonderful evening irrespective of you or your little ones being there, as long as her boy/your husband and her other children are there.

Purely my perspective ofc 😄

@CotswoldConundrum I can never understand why people go along with these things. You clearly aren't comfortable to attend, the logistics are complicated, the financial obligation is absurd.... Yet, you're attending.

Just don't go!! Life can be great! Life doesn't have to involve spending huge amounts (and it is a huge amount, whether or not you're minted) on an event that you don't want to attend. Experience the joy of missing out!!!