AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

I’m assuming the original post is a wind up!

It's not so much that you're unreasonable,
But that your mil is barking mad.
I'm 60 next year, if I started proposing these sort of plans to my kids they'd probably start talking about me in hushed tones and talking about care plans.

I really, really like my MIL. I love her. I am lucky to have her… but if she wanted me to fork out £800-£1000 for her birthday and on top of that had a load of bs expectations and rules I’d book her in at the doctors thinking she’d gone mad.

She sounds nuts OP! At the very least very out of touch

Wow I've never heard anything like it

Sounds like it’s all about appearances and not the experience. It would be a big no from me.

How does DH feel about it? I had a friend who never married who's Dad threw her a 50th like this and it was amazing. If your DH wants to do it and you can afford it then you need to duck it up.

I’m guessing she wouldn’t be able to prance around all night like lady-muck if she was 100! 😂

Has she sent her invites? @CotswoldConundrum Are people other than the immediate family actually forking out £1k to celebrate her 60th?

I think it's ridiculous.
Your mother in law sounds extremely self centred. For my 60th I had a very small gathering of my closest friends and family including my grandchildren. Your mother in law's celebration would be a nightmare scenario for me.
If that's what she wants fair enough but she can't
make everyone attend or pay for it.

I suppose it matches the current trend for hen weekends abroad, expensive location weddings and baby showers (all with expectations, themes, colour coordination).

If others can do it for events, so can this lady for her milestone birthday.

She's 60. She wants an OTT celebration.
From what you've intimated, your ILs have form for wanting to do things properly.
She's relented to let your DC attend. This also probably means that you'll be sat together at the meal.
Honestly, if you can afford it just go along with it.
Yes it sounds very expensive. Yes it sounds over the top. Yes it's not your cup of tea.... but it's her birthday and this is what she wants

Not going will cause more issues for you in the long term.

I had close friends and neighbours at pub ( back in 2022) I gave a £25 limit on food, which I agreed to psy for, drinks they bought themselves, 17 of us.
Then family party, at brother’s in France ( extra accommodation he paid for), catered lunch, which I pay for about 17 again, being unattached funds limited

Of course it's optional.

What will happen if you say "sorry, sounds great but we can't accommodate that. DH will of course ve there, I'll join on Saturday when I can"

Not quite the same though is it. Unless of course there was a chance of MIL not reaching 60 and she’s beat the odds. That would be worth her extravagant plans. But otherwise, it’s really OTT and not on par with having a baby or getting married. It’s just turning 60.

Each to their own though. If she can find 100 ‘fools’ willing to pay £1k each for her birthday celebration, good luck to her!

This is the most batshit thing ive ever heard, but something id expect in upper class circles I guess.

You don't have to do any of this you know. She can plan and expect as much as she likes, but you can opt out. Even if your dh is meekly going along with all this batshittery, you can say that you don't want yo spend all weekend away from your kids and forms the best part of a grand for the privilege!
People don't get to just commandeer your time. Tell your husband no!

Nope, nope and NOPE!

This is ludicrous. She is of course completely entitled to chose whatever celebration she likes for her birthday. But, if she is insisting you stay, go to the meal, never mind be general dogsbody, she should pay for it. Her expecting others to pay to attend to her “big birthday” celebration is not “doing things properly”.

My 60th was during Covid. My youngest sister arranged a zoom meeting. I realised early on that my sister hadn’t even invited my kids. My 2 darling children. Then my older brother was just nasty to me. Anyway not the nicest. I did have lovely 60th birthday i went out later that night with my son just before next lockdown. Sorry. I was definitely not main character.

No. Having attended several upper class big birthdays events, I’ve never been asked to pay!

It’s not something I (or any of my friends and relatives) would do mainly for financial reasons but if you were ok with it financially it’s different.
It’s good that there is some movement on including grandchildren . The initial plan was so odd and so unnatural - at the gathering of this sort grandchild should be the centre of attention to show that MIL managed to built up family successfully. I would push for them to be included all the way.

Has MIL trying to pretend that she is not at “Grandma stage” yet?

Sounds like she's all about the photos! It's a shocking amount of money for a weekend

Blimey! That is an awful lot!

Why can’t people just have a party? Or a dinner? Or just one thing of any description. Why a whole weekend with multiple events?

Everything had to be OTT these days. It’s like hen or stag weekends, or even week long trips, than just a night. Destination weddings that turn into a week long holiday with multiple events to attend rather than just a wedding and a breakfast locally.

It is a form of narcissism I think.

People don’t seem to get that whilst their wedding/ birthday/ whatever is a big event to them, it’s not the centre of other people’s world.

I don’t know what to suggest but definitely YANBU!

I havent even mentioned the paying, just the whole saga in general.

I'm just here for the trip report. This is so not my world, that I'm fascinated to hear how it goes! I don't normally get invested in these things, but there is so much room for drama and fall outs in this one! And I want to know what instructions you get, and your responses to them 😆

Good luck. I think you might need it.