AIBU to feel quite put out about MIL’s 60th weekend?

[CotswoldConundrum]

DH’s mother is having a 60th at a very well-known luxury hotel (the sort that does back-to-back weddings), with 100+ guests. Absolutely fine in itself, but it’s turning into a full-scale production that we seem to have been quietly allocated roles in.

We’ve been told we’re “down” for the entire weekend (Friday drinks, Saturday black tie dinner, Sunday brunch) rather than actually asked. The hotel is about 2 hours away and rooms are £280 per night with a two-night minimum as part of the “package,” plus £95pp for the dinner itself.

We have two DC (7 and 4), and MIL has been quite clear it’s strictly adults-only as she doesn’t want children “disrupting the ambience,” which I do understand in principle, but it does mean we’re expected to arrange (and pay for) two nights of childcare on top of everything else.

She’s also circulated a “look” for the weekend — muted tones only as she wants everything to feel “cohesive” in photos. I mentioned a dress I already own and she said it might be “a bit much,” which I did find slightly… odd.

We’ve now seen a draft seating plan and DH and I are on completely different tables as she wants to “mix families,” again fine, but it would have been nice to be asked rather than just told.

On top of that, DH has been told he’ll be doing a speech, and I’ve been asked if I can “help coordinate things on the day” so it all runs smoothly (apparently I’m “so organised”).

There’s also been quite a bit of emphasis on it being a “special milestone,” with comments about close family “making an effort” with gifts, which hasn’t exactly been subtle.

By the time we factor in hotel, dinner, childcare, outfits etc., it’s looking at the best part of £800–£1k for the weekend.

DH thinks this is all perfectly normal for a big birthday and that I’m overthinking it, but I can’t help feeling it’s quite a lot to dictate to people rather than just invite them.

AIBU to feel a bit put out?

Goodness, MIL sounds very entitled and demanding. Is she generally exhausting?

Of course it’s not normal. But what all commenters on mumsnet seem to miss, is that that’s not the point. If you love your DH, your MiL is generally ok and a positive presence in your lives and you want family harmony, you have to be strategic and manage in order to prioritise the outcome of harmony and family bonds. No one is perfect, she sounds like a lot and she’s clearly got a thing about her 60th.
You don’t have to like it or ‘approve’ - you can just rise above it and crack on. If you genuinely can’t leave the kids for the whole weekend, then don’t and explain that. If you can, then do it. Have a brilliant child free time, offer to be in charge of the playlist! Use the time in London to tick other boxes - shopping, seeing an old friend at some point. Don’t waste your energy fretting about her princess like behaviour, unless it is directly hurting yourself or your family .

Gosh I get annoyed with PILs organising milestone celebrations without checking dates with is, but at least they pay for everything (although nowhere near as elaborate as this).

I agree with everything you've said here.

It's really crass to pass the costs of hosting onto your guests.

I'm actually a bit embarrassed for her that they would do this and have the nerve to ask for presents.

Me and DH had a big celebration a few years ago. We hired a pub, put money behind the bar and paid for a buffet. We couldn't afford "a big do" so we didn't organise one. It never occurred to us to get our guests to pay! Clearly we have missed a trick 😂

My mum is 70 this summer and immediate family are going to the pub for a meal. My MiL is 80 and she will come to ours for a curry. My GGM is 90 and my sister and I will take her for lunch. There are a lot of big birthdays this year but even all together they aren’t what ur MiL is up to!

Admittedly my mum is then doing 7 super fun things throughout the year with different people. Your MiL sounds way too OTT. Stand your ground. This does not sound fun for you. Be vague. Be flakey. Do not commit to anything. She wants immediate family but kids aren’t included in that? For a whole long weekend? Not your circus… not your 🙉 🐵 🙉

It all seems complete bonkers and over-the-top to me, for a 60th birthday (or any birthday!). It sounds like your MIL is planning a wedding, not a birthday party, with all the instructions and expectations.

Personally, I'd be peeved that I was 'expected' to be there for the entire weekend, rather than being invited. I'd also be peeved that not only am I expected to attend but I'm being given tasks, rather than being asked. Your MIL has made a huge amount of assumptions, and it clearly hasn't entered her head to ask you, if you'd mind helping!! That's basic manners, in my book!!

It's nice now that your children can now attend, which will save you on child care costs. My only concern would be that your children will be bored senseless, for an entire weekend. Are there any activities that they can enjoy? If your MIL is expecting your help over the weekend, then that's not going to be compatible with looking after two children!!! It's going to mean you and your husband taking it in turns to supervise the children, and keeping them entertained!!

Whatever you happens do not "help coordinate" things, what ever you do will be wrong & if anything goes wrong it will be 100% your fault.

It all sounds way too demanding & over the top for me, especially demanding you wear certain kinds of outfits and leave your children for 2 days.
I'd have a convenient sick child i couldn't leave.

Sorry - not read whole thread but unless your husband is hoping for a massive inheritance from his mother I'd tell her to F* off

I'm sure your kids will really enjoy it but I do wonder how much a kids meal is! That weekend is going to cost you a pretty penny! At least with the kids you will enjoy it. You could always see if there is a travelodge/premier inn etc to save on the £250 a night and get a "kids eat free" breakfast!

It sounds really cringe and try hard.
You married a mummys boy and that is never easy.
It is not normal as an adult to be dictated to like this by anyone.
She sounds like some ghastly Hyacinth.
Telling you what to wear is tacky and plain rude.
You really have my sympathy.
Not a chance I would be attending on these terms, much less leaving my children.

I would not do this. No way.

I'm wondering if she is getting a deal on her meal, similar to arranging a group holiday where the organiser sometimes goes free!

That sounds insane. How has she found 100 people willing to agree to that nonsense? Did she not get enough attention as a child or something? If she was turning 100 then maybe, but 60?!

Gawd I'm torn between that is way OTT and also by how lux it all sounds

😂

Especially for a 60th

Well, you have made me very grateful for for MIL through reading this.

Which I was already to be fair, bit my gob this is intensely awful. Just don’t go!

Is she actually Joan Collins

🧐

'It all sounds lovely MIL. You invite...YOU PAY'

I also have relatives who treat milestone birthdays as the opportunity to live out their -very expensive dreams- on everyone else's dime. There's a delusions of grandeur element to this. The birthday girl will literally play the part of bountiful hostess- sponsored by you!!!

If you want it just so, lovely i will show up and smile. But who on earth pays £1000 to attend someone else's birthday party???

(Can you tell i have, in the past, politely declined invitations to attend similar events?!)

Your mother in law sounds ghastly. This is so ridiculously over the top. I would do the bits you want to do, don’t be dictated to by someone else with their extravagant demands and expectations that you have to spend the whole weekend their without your children if you aren’t happy with this.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm reading here. By your name you live in the Cotswolds? Very upper class and absolutely not on this planet, why are you all letting this happen? Who does she think she is? Going for a meal somewhere with family would do surely.

Does she not have a best friend or sister who would tell her straight that she’s lost the run of herself? I can kind of understand because I would have got carried away with my wedding planning, if it wasn’t for my big sister snorting into her coffee and bringing me back down to earth on a regular basis.

Blimey, how do people live with someone like this in their lives? If someone wants me to do a job at their event, they can pay me.

She sounds utterly crass.

@CotswoldConundrum it’s seems a massive overkill for a 60th birthday (that’s not even old these days!). She really is putting too much on everyone. As a DIL I would go, but just to keep DH happy. But as a guest (unless I lived in the area) I wouldn’t be going.

Is this post a wind up?

Why doesn't she charge an even £100?

Is she usually tacky? Because this is sooooo tacky.

The Spectacle Birthday Party! In Not Technicolor!