‘Catching print’ trend humiliating DS - contact college or let it go for now??

[DandyPeer]

DS, 17, is feeling upset by this ‘catching print’ trend. Some might already know about it but on TikTok over the last few weeks there’s been a trend where women can estimate a male’s ‘size’ based on the print on the trousers. When this trend was brought to my attention by DD, 14, last week I thought nothing of it as it was just on TikTok at the time.

Apparently since going back to college on Monday, some girls are using this trend to mock boys and DS feels judged by it. He told me that in a group task, whenever he tried to contribute, the girls were saying things like ‘shut it A print’ and he and another boy felt quite humiliated.

At first I thought it was just a silly trend that will fade in no time (and I still do think that) but today DD had a friend over and I overheard the friend say ‘Your brother is an A print’ whilst laughing. I thought that was really rude and inappropriate. DD, told me that on TikTok people were saying it’s about making them feel as uncomfortable as they make women and it’s levelling the playing field. I do understand the argument in theory, but I don’t like the idea of DS feeling judged and embarrassed in college over something like this.

Part of me thinks it’s just a passing trend and will die out in a week or two, but part of me feels it’s crossing into bullying.

Would it be best to contact the college about DS’ bullying or just let it pass? At the moment that’s what I’ve told DS that will just pass after a few days or weeks.

If you'd heard your son's male friend talking about the size of your daughter's breasts, would you have ignored that too?

You think sexual harassment is ‘silly stuff’ ?

if you do go to the college, maybe also consider saying something if it happens in your own home again rather than just eavesdrop.

Erm lots of FE colleges are 14 plus..

What about that are you finding challenging?

@SoJaunty theres A, B and D prints, you can look it up on TikTok yourself or probably Google too.

@frozendaisy I’ve briefly spoken to him about it but I was wondering whether to go down the route of telling him that’s what women go through as others have said here?

If you watch The Inbetweeners, you will know that boys have been harassing girls by their breast size, bra size and body size forever. If you would rush to the college over these issues, and indeed have done in the past, then why not intervene again? If you haven't, I would let the boys deal with it themselves.

I haven't ever been to the college for anything, though, as at 17, this is not the space for adults.

I wouldn't say that's what women go through, I'd chat to him about his own emotions in relation to it. If he can't join the dots between that and the immense social judgement that starts of women's bodies aged about 11, then I don't think you having a little chat is going to help.

I don't think this is a nice trend, but I think there is more of a whiff of 'but what about the men' about it. I'd call it out in my own home as I won't have that type of talk at home, just as I don't allow words that are derogatory to women like 'bitch' in my own home either.

Why would OP have intervened in the past when she doesn’t have daughters at college who have been harassed in the same way ? Why is a 17 year old boy better able to cope with this kind of harassment that a similarly aged girl ? It isn’t levelling the playing field, it’s harassment and should be dealt with in the same way.

So you think double standards are OK then ?

I don’t think it’s really equivalent to the shit young women get about their breast sizes although that is also horrible, is also sexual harassment and can / does cause body image issues. But with breast size we see lots of positive images of small and large breasts whereas when it comes to penis size I can’t recall reading/hearing that some people prefer small. I’ve seen some truly nasty but totally casual and unchallenged posts on MN about male genitalia size, people can be so cruel about this and I can imagine it would be difficult for a boy with a very small penis. Why do people have to be such cunts frankly

But not everyone is robust enough to do that at 17, and clearly OP has a concern that her son needs support.

That it is completely unacceptable and that the girl should raise this with college if they want to. Exactly as what the OP is describing is unacceptable. But at 17 either boys or girls are old enough to advocate for themselves and decide themselves what the appropriate action is. The role of parents of older teens is to support their children to do this, not to do everything for them.

God women go through lots of things - the answer isn't to make men go through them too. When a man is raped I don't think hah! happens to women all the time so I'm glad a man knows what it's like now. I was derided for being flat chested at school but I don't think for a second the answer is to pick on boys in the same way.

I would tell him it's extremely childish and pathetic, in the same was that boys targeting girls with a cup chests is. That neither is ok and the best thing is to call it out himself to the girls if he feels able - 'body shaming people with nonsense off tiktok? Really?' Alternatively just a 'really' and an eye roll. I'd give him the option for you to speak to school but I would anticipate that at this point he'd rather you didn't.

YANBU
If it was the other way round there would be an uproar.

I would bring it to the college’s attention, but I would do it on the quiet without your DS knowing.

Absolutely! If that had happened in my house I'd be having words with the girl!

This type of sexual harassment is well-documented in every school in the country! If you heard how young men in groups speak about young women, which I do, it's absolutely horrific.

I don't think being harassed is ok, I think the son should be supported by his mum to raise this with his course tutor and/or the pastoral lead. Just as she undoubtedly did when her girls were sexually harassed or whatever (now you are going to tell me that none of the girls were ever called anything or no derogatory remarks made to them by boys in secondary school which I won't believe as I know exactly what goes on in the corridors of these schools and is well-documented in surveys on exactly this topic).

It's not double-standards to promotee 17 year olds taking the initiative to speak up themselves about these issues, or to insist that that language isn't ok in the house, or to ask whether the OP has been very concerned about her daughters experiencing the same type of things (latest figures, 90% of girls in school have had at least sexual name calling).

It's not ok at all, which is why I would ask the OP to listen to her son sympathetically and not make comparisons with girls, as that sounds dismissive. That's a different thing from questioning whether we have become used to one type of sexual harassment and see another as more serious and intervention-worthy because it affects boys.

@Corvidsarethebest I hope no one is suggesting that I’m making this more important because it affects boys, not at all. I would never tolerate any inappropriate remarks made about DD or any other girls under my roof. It’s just at the moment it’s happening to DS.

I'd email the pastoral care and make them aware of the trend and that it's happening in the college. There's a duty of care and anti bullying etc policies that this comes under. Under 18s can't always advocate for themselves. Which is why we have safeguarding, that clicks in without a complaint from the affected person, being made.

Well you tolerated it under your own roof when you heard it said about your son

I would never tolerate any inappropriate remarks made about DD or any other girls under my roof.

Please never let your son know this, considering you didn't afford him the same support.

This ⬆️

You wouldn’t tolerate it if it was your daughter but will tolerate it for your son?

I’ve briefly spoken to him about it but I was wondering whether to go down the route of telling him that’s what women go through as others have said here?

That’ll teach him. It’s ok for people to talk about your penis because women are subjected to remarks from a young age. You must experience how we feel in order to understand it.

Bullshit.

I don't think that's the point. Allowing a boy to be sexually harassed because it happens to girls so often isn't accepting a double standard. The issue is the sexual harassment and objectification in the first place and neither should be acceptable. That boy should be treated with the same support as a girl in that situation. Telling someone to suck it up cos it happens to other people will only make it worse. These girls belive they are entitled to do this because they think 'boys do it' without thought as to whether this particular boy does. If it becomes a widespread thing then all it does is send out a message to boys that this is acceptable and it will get 1000 times worse for girls.

Don't tolerate it under your roof, call them on it and tell them not to say that. I don't tolerate gay slurs, disgusting terms for women, or sexual remarks about men's body parts from my teenagers; that's not ok.

Be sympathetic and teach him how to report this and tell his tutors if he wants to, and it's very unlikely he will want you to intervene now he's 17 and at college. The tutors and staff will have training in dealing with harassment and bullying and he should start there. I do know a boy who told his tutor about harassment by a girl at college, including quite physical behaviour, accusations, sending him inappropriate pictures, all kinds, and the college dealt with it sensitively.