To think I would rather pay for sex, if I could be assured of the quality

[GrandmaRosiesSecretDrawer]

I’m a really busy woman. I don’t have the time to mess around on apps and the men all seem so desperate and seedy. It’s either ‘I want to meet my perfect match, my soul mate’ or a pic of a headless six pack and the depressingly inaccurate aubergine emojis.
I feel too old to deal with all this. I just want my needs met.
It feels so seedy but I would just rather be fully open about the transactional aspect of it, the fact it’s not going anywhere, the expectation I have, and maybe a small part of me is worried about rejection?
I don’t want a relationship but to get the sort of benefits I dream of appears so complicated.

I think she is more looking for a way to find someone attractive to have sex with in a safe way, with no strings attached and she thinks paying may be her best (only) option. I don't think guilt or shame is in her mind.

You'd be better with a FWB. Perfect for a busy woman like you and he would know exactly what you like, you can programme him to turn up twice a week and perform your favourite positions without all the seediness of paying.

This is all very much about your 'wants' and not actual needs. You will not die if you don't have 'holistic female pleasure' on exactly the terms you want, when you want it. There are ways to get what you want, open relationships, FWB arrangements, hookup sites, but they involve compromises that necessarily recognize your sex partner is just as complex and fallible a human being as you - eg you will not be in absolute control of the situation or experience because you are in an interaction with another person. We may all have a dream of the perfect situation or partner but reality will necessarily fall short of this.

Paying for sex is an attempt to obscure that fact, turn it into a neutral 'service' you have ordered, rather than one of the most fundamental and vulnerable human interactions, and give you the illusion of control and neutrality in the situation, when what you are really doing is instrumentalising another human, treating them as an object or tool, and thus disregard the reality of the situation.
'Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things'

I am sure most people on this board wish you well in finding some non exploitative way to have a sex life

Easy to say too if you don't enjoy sex or find it a chore. Several MNers don't.

I find it difficult to understand why people think it's ok to pay a nail technician, a masseuse or a plastic surgeon to bring pleasure to your body and give you joy in their doing so. But not a sex worker.

It's not the same but its better than paying someone to pretend they like you which I'd find very depressing and definitely not a turn on.

Masturbation is great. It's free, it's enjoyable and you aren't going to catch anything. But I appreciate I also have regular sex with my dh.

But then why does she have such a strong revulsion to the idea of a swinging club, and such contempt for the people who attend them?

If you pay for sex, you’re in effect forcing someone into it.

You can do whatever mental gymnastics you like to justify it - if you pay someone for sex, they’ve not really given consent. They’re doing because you’ve paid them to.

What's your budget?

Male escorts already exist don't they? At least that's the fancy name given to male prostitutes.
Where you'd find them and their cost I've no idea but presumably the info's not hard to find.

Or do you (OP) just want to be told it's OK?

If you find it difficult to understand, which tells me you have tried, you’re probably beyond help. My children understood the difference from about aged 12 from discussing such things as consent in PSHE lessons at school. It’s not difficult.

Unless you are vulnerable in some way such people with learning difficulties, people who have been abused etc can struggle to understand consent.

Then of course, you just get people who don’t want to understand, because it fits their agenda.

Sure.

Just like every hooker has a heart, and ends up with Richard Gere

I would put what you want on a dating app. Sex twice a month no strings attached. You will get loads of messages and be able to take your pick. Doesn’t get rid of the risk you could be murdered which worried you but I don’t think having sex with a prostitute gets rid of that risk either

OP, you know that if you do attend a sex club, there's absolutely no obligation to have sex with anyone? Especially if it's your first time and you just want to get an idea of the lie of the land. Consent and safety underpin everything. And I don't see how anyone there will be any more desperate or bored than you are. In fact, I should think that whatever else they are once they get there, they certainly aren't bored.

In fact, I think there's some sort of cognitive dissonance going on here; you rebuke people who ask why you can't make do with a vibrator for not understanding female desire, but then you decide that any woman at a sex club must just be a bored wife of a desperate man. Not to mention that you think paying for sex is potentially justifiable, but going to a club dedicated to finding casual and consenting partners is disgusting and full of pathetic people.

I didn’t flounce off. I went to work ffs

I’ve started listening to Davina McCall’s podcast, Begin Again. There is an early episode with Cindy Gallop where Cindy discusses websites for people who want sex but not relationships. Might be worth a listen for you.

How on earth could you enjoy having sex with someone who's only doing it for money?

@WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuzits another service, like paying someone to paint your nails, massage your feet, talk to you (counselling)

No, it isn't.

Just a thought for all those who are suggesting OP puts what she wants on an app…. A friend of mine does this and for a while she had a Sunday morning appointment… bloke would come round for an hour. No chit chat or desire for a relationship. Just sex. Apparently v good sex.

From my perspective, not that I said this… I was sure the bloke was probably married and had said he was going out for a chore, a bike ride (another friends husband had a lot of bike rides before find my iPhone told a different story) or whatever. If this was the case she was ignorant…. Don’t ask don’t tell. It still seemed pretty ick to me.

But I’m not that keen on the paying angle either.

Did you really just equate having a manicure with paying a prostitute for sex?

Well, if you are comfortable with the concept of prostitution (ie not just when it involves nice respectable women like you and the prostitutes are men), then go for it.

Why are males more likely to be ethical?

The way youve described it there sounds very much more what a man would be looking for rather than a woman, who usually need more foreplay and connection.

Im suspicious of this thread, reporting

I don't blame you at all. YANBU...but please be careful about your safety... otherwise I would say go for it. You only live once.

Without going into the high risk of catching something… You should consider Fabswingers, it will be very easy to find what you’re looking for. It’s not just swingers, there are plenty of single men looking for the same as you, oh and plenty of women asking for the same as you too. I found that it’s been the only place men will actually have an intelligent and meaningful conversation with you and sometimes with complete honesty. I have met guys on there and if I’m honest every one was exactly who they said they were in terms of personality, what they were looking for. Never met anyone disrespectful or who was leaning towards a relationship. One of the guys I became good friends with and still have contact with. You could very easily find a likeminded man (that you’re also attracted to) just state that you’re looking for…a quick meet for x amount of time preferably this day and this week ect.

Oh and plus you have the added bonus of potential men being “Verified” by other users whom also have to be “Verified” to leave a little comment about their experience. Basically anyone you’ve met can leave a review if you will about you on your profile, can be about the sex or just about your personality or even the fact you were genuine and were what you said on the box. It helps weed out the bad ones and obviously anyone who refuses to display their verifications, it’s questionable.