DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

I would grey rock as much as possible. The post-nup isn’t even the issue anymore—if he signs it, will you still stay married to a man who shushes you, doesn’t pull his weight with the DC, blocks you on his phone, and walks out of the room whenever you try to have a serious conversation? Let him say his bit, and say to him, “this isn’t working for me”.

I would listen to what he says, and make notes while he's talking.

If you have a copy of the post nup for him to sign, give it to him for signature.

If not, could you draft something simple like this for him to sign tonight? ' I acknowledge that i agreed to sign a pre then a post nup to protect your family business inheritance. I should have done this a long time ago. I promise to sign it when the lawyers have finished drawing it up. I promise never to make any claim on your family business inheritance ' .
Or similar wording

I wouldn't be entering in to a discussion with him at this point.

Tell him signing the post-nup would be a sign he is willing to change.
Tell him there is nothing to discuss until he does this.

You've got nothing to lose, and it might just work.

I sgree with PP. You need to have a few stock phrases. "This isn't working for me" "I don't want to do this any more" etc

Not sure if anyone else suggested this but ours stops recording if there’s no WiFi, so turn the WiFi off.

I’d also tell him he’s putting no effort at all into the marriage and it looks like he’s tolerating an unhappy marriage purely to benefit financially.

Please can you make sure someone in real life - who lives near you - knows that you are having this conversation tonight and make arrangements that you will contact them at set times regularly throughout the evening? Every half an hour you will text the name of a colour to them.

If you do not, they are to come round to the house immediately. No wavering, they need to be hammering on the door.

Men are most dangerous at the point you are leaving. I know you will say "oh he has never been violent" but that was said about men who killed their partners. He has nothing to lose now and that makes him dangerous

PLEASE take precautions tonight and over the next few days. Who cares about gossip if your safety could be at risk. Please make sure you have people on standby tonight.

Thanks. Would you do this so I have it in my back pocket for when the divorce goes through, is that what you mean? Even if he were to sign the post nup now with bells and whistles on, I’m so done with the state of the marriage generally.

Grey rock. Stay unemotional and detached. Listen. Say Hm, OK, if you say so, sure.
Then just carry on with your plan.

It’s all too little too late. Let him stay in the dark about upcoming events, and don’t feed into his nonsense.

There's very little benefit in pushing the post nup now surely ? I mean especially if you are proceeding to divorce anyway. The post nup wouldnt have been in place for the majority of the marriage. So I'd say just proceed with the divorce and write the post nup off. But I am not a lawyer !

My advice would be ….

1. Hire the best divorce lawyer and actually take his/her advice, even if you feel you should be more generous. If he challenges you on various issues, just keep saying, ….thanks for highlighting that issue, I will put it to my lawyer and take legal advice on that, thank you.
2. And even if advised to go for 50/50 with the children, don’t for a minute expect that 50/50 will be the real life reality. Be prepared for him being difficult, just as he always has been.
3. Please don’t waste your emotions feeling guilty about his incompetence or feeling sad about his new predicament. You may well regret it. Your own emotions and those of the children must come first now. Instead, help yourself and the children to become completely settled then see how you feel about things, say in 12 months time when you have a good routine going. You can always readjust much later on, to take his cooperation into account…if he happens to show any.

You need to stop being sucked back in by him. It’s like his running down the clock till they die to get the inheritance.

Signing a post nup now would mean nothing you’ve been chasing and chasing him about it with evidence of that he would claim under duress knowing you were about to leave.

Don’t tell him about the tenancy until the very last moment. Ideally don’t tell him until you are already moved out. Do the final move while he is out of the house. If you can’t manage that, the actual morning or the day before are options.

He knows you are divorcing. You actually leaving is the time he is likely to be the most erratic. Don’t prolong it.

Excellent advice.
The talk is addressing HIS priorities. Yours are to get good legal advice, and move safely and with the least upset in your new place. If you have anything to say.. say it when you are out and in a place of safety. Or say it with Divorce papers.

Protect yourself, your mental health and your DC by Not having this big discussion - you know he will ignore anything you say and that "he will make me feel sick with guilt about “destroying” the family"
Go out or have a friend/family there.

You are absolutely right to say that you need to keep pushing and standing up to him, but you can do that without this talk. It's just another opportunity for him to make you doubt yourself. But You know that you are saving your family, not destroying it. Only he can save himself.

You have already decided to move out. It's crucial that he doesn't know that so that he doesn't ruin your plans It's crucial that you do this safely. Several posters have warned that abusive men can become violent when you leave. He may not. But it is not worth taking a risk with your safety or your and DC's mental health.

If you are cornered into a discussion, fob him off exactly the way he has you. it's too late, Headache, discuss it tomorrow/at the weekend when DC are out (He wants them there for drama and guilt tripping) Kick the can down the road and say things like. "I hear what you are saying." ending with."Well you have given me a lot to think about."

Record any conversations from now on ( not to play back to upset yourself but as evidence should you need it)

Another upvote for this option.

You mentioned that you are already rocky, you mention there are issues in the relationship.

Sounds like you need to separate sooner rather than later.

From his perspective you were offering a great deal, the family home.... If you were to divorce now before you receive any inheritance that is unlikely to be the case.

He fucked around and will find out....

Am I right in thinking you haven’t yet got the inheritance or business? So as it stands today your assets are joint? In that case I wouldn’t play games with the post-nup, just tell him you are done. If he persuades you to give it another go because he will change then yes, get him to sign that immediately as a show of good faith.

Yes... if it's relevant.

If you haven't inherited the business yet, it might still happen before your divorce is finalised.

For example, it took 2 years for me to actually get divorced as my XH argued about EVERYTHING. My legal bill was over £100k.

I wouldn't say anything to him at this stage about wanting a divorce, and definitely not about moving out.

Just listen, take notes, record if you can without angering him.

To reiterate @MojoMoon , be very careful about this meeting he's asked for. This is the most dangerous time for women, that moment just before you leave.

Good to read your updates @mamato3rascals even though your situation is painful & exhausting.

You know the marriage is done.

And your possible future inheritance is not and never should be part of ANY divorce settlement. Be very very clear about that.

Remember, even if you feel guilty about "depriving" your DC of their father, this has been his choice because of his unparentlike behaviour eg. only 2 days off over the summer???? Does he think that fairies look after his DC??

He is not your friend. He is not the man you married.

It's OK to divorce him, and you are not a failure.

@mamato3rascals

IMHO men like him have almost a 6th sense when things are going to go tits up for them. Or maybe it's just that when we are absolutely done we give off some kind of 'vibe' no matter how normal we try to act. And it sounds to me as if you are absolutely done and there is no going back, postnup or no postnup.

So go ahead and have a 'talk' this evening, but expect nothing and offer nothing. You're basically there to listen. Remember "That's an interesting idea", "I'll have to think about that" and "I don't know". As far as making him sign some sort of 'promise to sign the postnup', I wouldn't bother. It won't mean a thing and isn't legally enforceable. All he'd need to do is say "I changed my mind". Your divorce settlement will have to be hammered out on its own, not based on a pre/postnup because in the UK they aren't legally binding and he'd contest it anyway.

As far as when to leave, see how he is tonight (I'm 8 hr behind you so the talk may have happened). But if you think there's the slightest chance of him upsetting the children or becoming abusive or violent (throwing things) then I'd either do a midnight flit (turn off the internet to stop the cameras) or if not that, then I would have friends or relatives around during the move in the hopes that he won't pop off in their presence.

Right now you need to make an inventory of what you want to take with you. Quietly remove what you can now to a friend's or relative's if he won't notice. Focus on small sentimental and precious objects and items. Likewise, important papers. And consider whether or not his presence is going to be a problem as far as taking what you want to take. Is he going to create a scene or block you moving things?

I did a semi-flit. I left suddenly due to his behaviour but arranged for movers to take my furniture (inherited) and personal property when I knew he was gone for a few weeks. I'm in the US and there are companies here who specialize in quick moves. They were able to schedule my move within 48 hours of my call and had everything boxed, packed, and/or wrapped in padding and out of the house in 5 hours. I'm sure there are similar companies where you are.

This. You are done….

our friends (A & B) separated almost 2 years ago. A told me A had been planning it well before A & B had the final big argument.

in A’s head, A had already moved on but it was a complete surprise to B.

B considers B had made changes and had done what was expected that B knew of, but A had mentally moved on and planned the away.

Nothing that B could say or do changed anything for A.

Now B had a trust. This isn’t in the UK but I will touch on what happened. The Trust generated income which sat in an account.

During previous arguments, B spent some of that income towards improvements on the joint property and purchased other assets. That convoluted the Trust ownership and B was advised to settle with A a portion of the income savings. The improvements spent on the joint property were lost to the Trust because of the convolution.

You need professional advice to know where you and the various assets stand. It doesn’t matter what you think or are offering.

Person A kept making (silly) early offers based on incorrect internet valuation figures and B dug B’s toes in.

those of us here are supporting you based on what you have told us. Person A in my example did the same to her group of friends and those of us joint friends heard both sides and we did our best to fence sit while support.

Very difficult.

Person A’s other friends encouraged A to move on. There was no considering B’s point of view because they were never exposed to it.

so while everyone here has your back, keep it in mind it’s because we have only heard from you.

We are unable to be impartial….

I too have done a quick move but without a Ring doorbell complication. Are there ways to make it 'play up' ahead of the big day so it can be legitimately turned off?

Tough one.

I don't imagine you necessarily want to rush into a divorce but you could very possibly end up wishing you had.

@mamato3rascals please let us know you are safe after your discussion

Thanks so much for checking in on me. I was greeted in the usual hostile way when I came back from the kids’ extra curricular clubs -he said something critical under his breath as I was sorting school bags / kids homework etc so it was all standard behaviour (which tbh I was surprised about - expect him to be pussy footing around me). The last of the 3 kids was down by 8:15. Waited downstairs in my bedroom (we live apart in the house) until 9:30 and by that point I was exhausted (I haven’t been sleeping, awake 2-5am every night the last week) so I went to bed. He text me at 10:15pm saying he’d come down to try to speak but that I was asleep. I replied to say that if he wants to speak then he needs to do something about it before 10:15 (he had been upstairs in his office working until then). Ridiculous carry on and I’m secretly glad it didn’t happen but also still have it all hanging over me. He’s wfh today - as am I - so almost certainly he’ll try to talk about it during the day but frankly I don’t have the time during the days, I have shorter days to him because I collect the kids at 1630 (and then make up the time in the evenings) so I need to crack on so my door will be firmly shut all day. Suspect the chat will have to happen tonight. I’ve never been as resolute in my decision as I am now so just really can’t be arsed with any of it but clearly have to go through the motions. I really think he expects me to back down again.

After 3-4 years of this treatment and his behaviour, and the post nup discussion having started in 2019, I can hand on heart say I haven’t rushed into this decision!